Wikipedia:Peer review/Soundtrack to the Apocalypse/archive1

Soundtrack to the Apocalypse

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like an available copyedit and a third party reviewer. Althoiugh the article is somewhat short, I am hoping it meets FA criteria, and if the peer would not mind, I would like for it to pre-reviewed for FA, using the criteria as a guide. Thank you, CrowzRSA 17:58, 30 July 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: There are quite serious prose issues with this article, which appears to need a very thorough copyedit. I have listed points from the lead and first section:-

• Lead
  • "...both music from previous albums, unreleased material, and live film." "Both" means two things, not three. Suggest you delete the word
  • The word "plus", while convenient verbal shorthand, does not read well in text. Suggest "with the addition of"
  • MOS suggests that numbers greater than 10 should be written numerically, hence "14" rather than "fourteen"
  • "After a discussion arose with the box set idea as a topic, they informed their record company of the idea. At first, the idea was declined, but was later approved by the record company." These reads extremely clunkily. It is not clear what "they" refers to, but presumably it's the band. Therefore something like: "After discussing among themselves the idea of the box set, the band informed their record company, who initially disliked but later approved the idea."
  • Second paragraph: I'm not certain that the first two sentences add anything; the paragraph could easily start "The box set has been released into the public domain five times..." and with "between" instead of "spanning from".
  • I think the lead needs some expansion to fulfil the WP:LEAD requirement that it summarises the whole article. For example, there ids nothing about the production of the set, which has a main section in the article.
• Conception
  • inspired
  • label/record company
  • decided or believed/hoped?
  • The sentence beginning "Slayer approached the record company..." needs sorting out. At present it's impossibly convoluted. Verbalisms such as "due to the fact that" should always be avoided.
  • "...instructing them to return a disc of what they felt to be the best items" What does "return a disc" mean?
  • Avoid contractions such as "he'd". And what does this mean: "Having every magazine he'd ever seen the group inside..."?

On a general point, is it really necessary to list all 30+ members of the production team? I've never seen anything similar on other album-type articles.

I hope that these comments are helpful. Brianboulton (talk) 23:26, 9 August 2010 (UTC)