Wikipedia:Peer review/Tom Laughlin/archive1

Tom Laughlin

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I nominated it for a good article status last April. I now realize that it was nowhere close to GA status at that time. But I've had almost another full year of editing under my belt since then and this past weekend I decided to take it on again. I feel that I fixed all or at least most of the problems the original GA reviewer encountered. However, I still feel it would be rather hasty to submit it for GA again. So I am asking for a peer review and I hope to someday nominate it for GA status again. The major issue with it as I see it now is the lack of a photograph. After months of searching, I can assure you that a usable one simply cannot be found.

Thanks, BillyJack193 (talk) 01:57, 22 February 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Finetooth comments: This is an interesting article about an interesting guy. It's broad in coverage, stable, neutral, and verifiable. I have no solution to the image problem unless a fair-use claim might work for a DVD cover (and I'm not sure that it would since it might still be possible to find or create a free image). The prose has problems in places, and the article does not always follow Manual of Style guidelines. I did a fair bit of copyediting as I went, and I have suggestions for further improvement, below.

Infobox

Rather than saying "present", which is ambiguous (different tomorrow than today), it would be better to leave the space after the en dash blank.

Lead

"For a period in the early 1960s, Laughlin left his film career behind for and began a Montessori preschool in Santa Monica, California that became the largest school of its kind in the United States." - Awkward. Suggestion: "In the early 1960s, Laughlin temporarily left his film career behind to start a Montessori preschool in Santa Monica, California; it became the largest school of its kind in the United States."

Early life and career

"He was involved in an athletic controversy while at the high school that made headlines throughout the city." - Awkward. Suggestion: "While in high school, he was involved in an athletic controversy that made headlines throughout the city." What was the controversy about? Every reader will want to know.
"He later transferred to the University of South Dakota... ". - Wikilink University of South Dakota?

Leaving Hollywood

"In 1959, Laughlin and his wife Delores Taylor founded a Montessori preschool... " - No need to link Delores Taylor again in this section or to repeat her name.

Billy Jack years

"Although made independently, like all of his films, and with his own money, several studios were on board to distribute it at various points in time." - Misplaced modifier. Suggestion: "Although he made the film, like all of his films, independently and with his own money, several studios agreed to distribute it."
"American International Pictures refused to release the film unless a lot of the political references were cut out, leading to the Laughlins taking the film's sound reels, making it so the studio had, in effect, a silent film." - Awkward. Suggestion: "American International Pictures refused to release the film unless many of the political references were cut. This led the Laughlins to withhold the film's sound reels, which in effect made it a silent film."
However, the film was embraced by much of America's youth, with Laughlin stating in 1975, "The youth of this country have only two heroes, Ralph Nader and Billy Jack". - "With" doesn't make a very good conjunction. Suggestion: "However, the film was embraced by much of America's youth, leading Laughlin to claim in 1975 that "The youth of this country have only two heroes, Ralph Nader and Billy Jack".
"It is currently the highest-grossing independent film of all time." - "Currently", as noted above, is tricky because it is not specific. Much better would be to say "As of X, it is the highest-grossing... ". For X, fill in the latest date supported by your sources.
"As part of the film's promotion, Bong Soo Han, the man in charge of the martial arts choreography for the film, toured the United States giving hapkido demonstrations." - As noted by the GA reviewer, one-sentence orphan paragraphs should usually be merged with another paragraph. Another alternative for such orphans is to expand them.
"However, it was Laughlin's unique promotion of the film, which was its real legacy." - Tighten to "However, Laughlin's unique promotion of the film was its real legacy"?
The film forever changed the way films are marketed and has been called "the first blockbuster". - Actually, it was Laughlin's marketing technique rather than the film that "changed the way". I'd suggest revising slightly.
"and it proved to be Laughlin's last film as a director to date" - The phrase "to date" has the same problem as "currently". Something like "through 2010" would be better.
"Tom has blamed individuals within the United States government... " - "Laughlin" rather than "Tom".
The quote about Hartke appears to be long enough to set off in blockquotes. WP:MOSQUOTE has details.

Later career (1978– )

I replaced "present" with a blank, but "Later career" would be just as good. So would "After 1978".
"His last acting role to date was in a 1991 BBC production entitled The War that Never Ends." - Another "to date".
"Laughlin also gained notoriety at this time for making a citizen's arrest of a man after an argument over Laughlin's driving." - I would merge this with the paragraph above it.
"Laughlin has been seeking funding for a fifth Billy Jack film since at least 1996, when he spoke about it during a lawsuit against a man who Laughlin said had illegally changed his name to "Billy Jack",[51] and at one point had plans to make a Billy Jack television series." - Ambiguous. Did Laughlin have plans to make a television series, or did the man who changed his name have plans to make a television series?
"Laughlin promises it will be a "new genre of film" and a great deal of social commentary on politics, religion, psychology, etc. will be discussed... ". - Delete "etc." or fill in the missing words?

Politics

"Laughlin later heavily protested not being on the primary ballot in his home state of Wisconsin, despite former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke being on the ballot." - A bit awkward. Suggestion: "Laughlin later heavily protested being excluded from the primary ballot in his home state of Wisconsin at the same time former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke was included. " Or something like that.

Personal life

I'd unbold the names in this section. Bolding is generally reserved for the article name in the lead and is rarely used elsewhere except in heads and subheads and other places where it is automatically added. You could use quotation marks instead.
"His daughter Teresa (known by the family as T.C.) is currently a fashion designer." - "Currently" again.
"He has written The Psychology of Cancer, a book about faith, attitude and such factors that may have an alternative effect on the progression of cancer." - Wordy. Suggestion: "His book, The Psychology of Cancer, is about faith, attitude and other factors that might affect cancer."
"In the video, he announced that he had the condition under control, has updated the website, is continuing his plans for a new Billy Jack film. - Which condition?

See also

I'd delete all of the items in this list that already linked in the main text.

References

Citation 55 is incomplete.
Citation 57 lacks an access date.

External links

Not sure what the "no include" line is doing or how to get rid of it.

Other

The dabfinder tool in the toolbox at the top of this review page finds four links that go to disambiguation pages rather than their intended targets.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 02:38, 1 March 2010 (UTC)[reply]