Wikipedia:Peer review/Toraja/archive1

Toraja

I found this article as a stub, did some research and expanded this article. As one editor is not enough, I need somebody else's review of this article. Any comments, suggestions, critics, even direct editing to the article, are very welcomed and I really appreciate it. Thanks a lot in advance. — Indon (reply) — 09:52, 6 September 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Comments:

"...as the Dutch understood that the future acceptance of Christianity by Torajans depended heavily on its policy toward the smoke-descending (death) ritual..." Why?
Religion and social class are mentioned across many different sections, which lends itself to redundancy.

There's a lot of good information, but the prose is often fragmented and unclear, and there are some grammatical mistakes, especially as regards tense. It's sometimes unclear to me which social costums are modern, and which are traditional and no longer practiced. Having read just the first section, for example, one would think they still hold slaves. I tried to fix what I could. -- bcasterline • talk 16:57, 6 September 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Answers:

First of all, thanks a lot for your deep review. I need that, as English is my 2nd language. Thus you're right about the prose. I still have difficulties in tenses. I'll take a detail look again to that article and check the time, which one is traditional, obsolete and modern practices.
About Torajan Christianity, that sentence was taken from one of the reference. I'll try to read again and fix the unclear.
Yep, you're right again. It's sometimes difficult when their religion is used in many aspects, but I'm going to reduce the redundancy.

Again, thanks a lot bcasterline. I noticed your edit in the article and I really appreciate it. — Indon (reply) — 07:25, 7 September 2006 (UTC)[reply]

nice pictures. consider moving the map (currently located by the history section) to the top of the page (in the infobox). Jon513 13:56, 10 September 2006 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review. I think the map picture is better in the History section, as the article explains about an ethnic group. So the infobox should represents the ethnic group identity and if the map is moved to the infobox, the History section will have no image. The map is suitable to describe the location of Torajan among Bugis and Makassarese, explained in the History section. — Indon (reply) — 17:17, 11 September 2006 (UTC)[reply]

I what you say makes sence. But when I started reading the article my first thought were "where the hell are these people". Jon513 13:53, 14 September 2006 (UTC)[reply]

In that case, I moved the History section above. Hope that helps. — Indon (reply) — 14:02, 14 September 2006 (UTC)[reply]