Infidelity

"Cheating (sex)" redirects here.

Infidelity (colloquially known as cheating) is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship.

What constitutes a significant-enough breach of such a relationship to be considered infidelity or cheating depends on the nature of the relationship, e.g. whether the relationship is or has been understood by the partners to be monogamous or, by contrast, whether the relationship is defined as open, in which case the question of the person having "cheated" may be open to dispute between the partners. In general, though, by default, most committed relationships involving sex that have not involved discussion of the permissibility of other partners are automatically assumed monogamous, and breach of that commitment induces emotional pain and problems in the relationship. "Cheating" is generally understood to be a blatant violation of the implicit good faith contract of a typical sexually-intimate relationship, a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity and nature of the relationship is defined, sometimes even if the actions undertaken while "cheating" are not technically sexual in nature (for example, a man being emotionally intimate with a woman who is not his girlfriend, or french kissing her).

There are two areas in a close relationship where infidelity mostly occurs: physical intimacy and emotional intimacy. In sexual infidelity, the impact is said to be not only about sex outside the relationship, but also about trust, betrayal, lying and disloyalty. What makes infidelity so painful is the fact that it involves someone deliberately using deception to violate established expectations within a relationship.

Sexual infidelity refers to sexual activity with someone other than the partner to which one is committed. Sexual infidelity in marriage is called adultery, philandery or an affair, while in other interpersonal relationships it may be called "cheating". A man whose wife has committed adultery is referred to as a cuckold, while a woman whose husband has cheated on her is known as a cuckquean.

What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner in the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of that relationship.

Emotional infidelity is emotional involvement with another person, a process which leads one’s partner to channel emotional resources, such as romantic love, time, and attention, to someone else. With the association of multi-user dimensions the level of intimate involvement has extended from in-person involvement to online affairs. Emotional infidelity, as compared to physical infidelity, can inflict as much, if not more, hurt, pain and suffering. To make matters worse, most infidelity involves both physical and emotional betrayal.

Incidence of Infidelity

Some researchers say there's a 50–50 chance today that one partner will have an affair during a marriage including non-physical relationships. It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. Some authorities (for example Frank Pittman in 'Grow Up' (Golden Books)) observe infidelity is involved in 90% of first time divorces. A 1997 study with Kristina Gordon found “more than half of the marriages that experience infidelity ended in divorce”. allyuhmudda

27% of people who reported being happy in marriage admitted to having an affair.

In a recent survey of 16,000 university students in 53 countries, 20% of long term relationships began when one or both partners were involved with someone else. Studies suggest around 30–40% of dating relationships and 18–20% of marriages are marked by at least one incident of sexual infidelity. Men are more likely than women to have a sexual affair, regardless of whether or not they are in a married or dating relationship.

By contrast John Gottman with his 35 years of research into marriage, is reported as saying, "Only 20 percent of divorces are caused by an affair. Most marriages die with a whimper, as people turn away from one another, slowly growing apart."

Fifty United Kingdom divorce lawyers were asked to name the most common causes of their cases in 2003. Of those who cited extramarital affairs, 55% said it was usually the husbands and 45% said that it was the wives who cheated.

Rates among older women tripled from 5% in 1991 to 15% in 2006; rates among men rose from 20–28%. About 20% of younger men and 15% of younger women say they cheated, up from about 15% and 12%, respectively. Infidelity studies show that extramarital sex occurs in up to 25% of heterosexual marriages in the USA, according to Adrian Low, a Michigan State University professor who is a marriage and family therapist. Many experts believe this increase in cheating is due to greater opportunity (time spent away from a spouse) and young people developing the habit of having multiple sexual partners before they get married.

Children can be witnesses to an affair and outcomes of an affair. Between 2–4% of children are conceived as a result of an affair.. A 2005 scientific review of international published studies of paternal discrepancy found a range in incidence from 0.8% to 30% (median 3.7%), suggesting that the widely quoted figure of 10% of non-paternal events is an overestimate.

Infidelity which does not involve sex or conception may be referred to as a romantic friendship or an emotional affair. Some people consider virtual sex, which is an on-line relationship, as infidelity.

Infidelity and Gender

Attitudes towards “casual sex” are influenced by gender. Infidelity comes in a variety of forms ranging in complexity that are viewed differently among genders.

According to Michael J. Formica’s “Psychology Today” blog, “There is an intimate relationship between sexuality and emotionality. Men and women, however, tend to approach that relationship from vastly different points of reference and those differences clearly impact reactions to infidelity for each gender, whether that infidelity is emotional or sexual, in very different ways.”

In Annette Lawson’s “Adultery: An Analysis of Love and Betrayal”, she speculates, when men have affairs, they want to allow themselves to be vulnerable and dependent and that when women have affairs, they want to be strong and free. Louise DeSalvo comments, “In affairs, each gender wants to live the possibilities foreclosed to them in ‘normal’ marriages-women seek autonomy; men seek intimacy. Which suggests that if a marriage accommodates these behaviors, there will, perhaps, be less reason to stray.”

The Transformation of Infidelity

Recently, in North America and Europe specifically, there have been drastic changes in the nature and character of relationships. Fewer people are choosing to get married and instead are assuming relationships similar to marriage, without the title. The divorce rates are rising and types of family development are changing. For example, more couples are choosing to remain childless or have children without being married. These transformations may be attributed to the changing labor markets, along with new and different value sets and lifestyles. In societies where marriage is no longer uncritically perceived as a monogamous life-long relationship, getting married seems a more dubious enterprise. Marriage, sex, and childbearing, which have been a tightly bound package for much of the 20th century, are no longer so inextricably linked.

Anthropological Viewpoint on Humans and Infidelity

Anthropologists tend to believe humans are neither completely monogamous nor completely polygamous. Anthropologist Bobbi Low, says we are “slightly polygamous”; Deborah Blum, though, believes we are “ambiguously monogamous,” and that we are slowly moving away from the polygamous habits of our evolutionary ancestors.

According to Helen Fisher, a visiting research professor in the Department of Anthropology, there are numerous psychological reasons for adultery. Some people may want to supplement a marriage, solve a sex problem, gather more attention, seek revenge or have more excitement in the marriage. But based on Fisher’s research, there also is a biological side to adultery. “We have two brain systems: One of them is linked to attachment and romantic love, and then there is the other brain system, which is purely sex drive.” Sometimes these two brain systems are not well connected, which enables people to become adulterers and satisfy their sex drive without any regards to their attachment side.

Infidelity and Evolution

In her book “Adultery” Louise DeSalvo comments on infidelity and evolution, “perhaps adultery makes evolutionary sense: perhaps It is a pesky way our species guarantees its survival.” In an article titled, “Infidelity: Is Monogamy Just a Myth?” zoologist, David Barash (Co-author of the book “The Myth of Monogamy”) and his wife, Dr. Judith Eve Lipton, comment on monogamy and evolution, "When it comes to human beings, there's absolutely no question about monogamy being natural. It's not," Barash and Lipton believe it all goes back to evolution: The male's goal is to make sure his genes live on and therefore he sets out to fertilize as many females as possible. "Sexual opportunity is the name of the game for males," Lipton said. Women, on the other hand, spend nine months pregnant, then have to care for their children. So it's in the interest of the woman to find one man who will stay with her, or at least help her take care of her offspring, and some might argue that man is preferably wealthy or powerful. "Females, by nature, are more choosy and less opportunistic," Lipton said.

The Freudian Model of Infidelity

Freudian theory expresses the belief that it is natural and human to have sexual desires. In the book, “The State of Affairs” by Jean Duncombe, Karen Harrison, Graham Allan, and Dennis Marsden Freud’s ideas are examined in the context of adultery. It reads, “Freud would say adultery is a classic manifestation of antinomic desires splitting the psyche of the adulterer. The split is externalized in three actors: the betrayed spouse is the superego, the lover is the id, and the adulterer is the ego. Social norms and institutions act as extensions of the superego that serve to regulate behaviors prompted by the id thus implicitly blaming the third party for intruding between the rational sense and the conscience."

The Purpose of Marriage

According to the authors of “The State of Affairs” there exists a common belief that a fundamental purpose of marriage is to control sexual partnering (a point that is specifically stated in Christian weddings). However, the problem lies in the fact that marriage cannot control sexual desires, and the messages our culture provides suggest it can’t satisfy them. The belief is that it's natural for humans to have sexual desires but they cannot be acted on if humans live together and engage in marriage.

Infidelity and the Internet

The rise of the internet and technology in general provide new challenges for modern couples. According to the Global Internet Statistics in 2003, internet population around the world has grown exceptionally fast in less than a decade, rising from 16 million users in 1995 to approximately 680 million in late 2003. Millions of such users are married individuals who use the Internet to meet strangers, flirt, and many times engage in highly sexualized conversations.

Research on internet infidelity is a relatively new field of interest. It is difficult to classify any type of sexual interaction via the internet as infidelity because it lacks the physical aspect. In their book, “The Philosophy of Sex”, Alan Soble and Nicholas Power speculate about the internet, infidelity and culture, “According to the dominant account in our culture, the paradigm case of what counts as sex is heterosexual intercourse, where a man and women engage in a particularly intimate form of physical contact, in which a penis penetrates a vagina. This case is paradigmatic in that it organizes social judgments about which other activities count as sexual, and also connects to dominant views about what sex is normal, natural and good."

A study done by Hinke A. K. Groothof, Pieternel Dijkstra and Dick P. H. Barelds called “Sex Differences in Jealousy: The Case of Internet Infidelity” explores the differences between consequences of online infidelity versus offline, and the processes that underlie it, for both partners and/or the relationship. It also examines consistency among sex differences and jealousy in relation to the type of infidelity. The study utilized a sample of 335 Dutch undergraduate students involved in serious intimate relationships. The participants were presented with four dilemmas concerning a partner’s emotional and sexual infidelity over the internet. They found a significant sex difference as to whether participants chose sexual and emotional infidelity as more upsetting. More men then women indicated that a partner’s sexual involvement would upset them more than a partner’s emotional bonding with someone else. Similarly, in the dilemma involving infidelity over the internet, more men indicated their partner’s sexual involvement would upset them more than a partner’s emotional bonding with someone else.

Chat Rooms and Infidelity

The newfound popularity of internet chat rooms has contributed largely to infidelity. Never before has it been so easy to engage in the dating scene and meet people while maintaining the stability of marriage. Chat rooms provide a dilemma because some view them as a forum for fantasies and illusions that are simply just communication rather than physical acts. In a sense, they are a place where married individuals can engage in guilt-free excitement. However, everyone feels differently, leading to extreme gray areas.

A study by Beatriz Lia Avila Mileham in 2004 examined the phenomenon of online infidelity in chat rooms, a process whereby individuals involved in a long-term committed relationship seek computer synchronous, interactive contact with opposite-sex members. The following factors were investigated: (a) what elements and dynamics online infidelity involves and how it happens; (b) what leads individuals specifically to the computer to search for a relationship ‘‘on the side’’; (c) whether individuals consider online contacts as infidelity and why or why not; and (e) what dynamics chat room users experience in their marriages. The results lead to three constructs that symbolize chat room dynamics and serve as a foundation for internet infidelity. They include:

1. Anonymous Sexual Interactionism
2. Behavioral Rationalization
3. Effortless Avoidance.

Anonymous Sexual Interactionism refers to these individuals’ predilection for anonymous interactions of a sexual nature in chat rooms. The allure of anonymity gains extra importance for married individuals, who can enjoy relative safety to express fantasies and desires without being known or exposed.

Behavioral Rationalization denotes the reasoning that chat room users present for conceiving their online behaviors’ as innocent and harmless (despite the secrecy and highly sexual nature).

Effortless Avoidance involves chat room users’ avoidance of psychological discomfort by exchanging sexual messages with strangers. Happily married individuals also join such rooms.

Infidelity Jurisdictions

In some jurisdictions an extramarital affair may incur unexpected financial costs. In Australia, for example, affairs of two or more years duration can be deemed a de-facto relationship, exposing the married cheater to financial claims in the Family Court on their superannuation savings, income and property. A de-facto relationship may exist even when the partners do not think so. It is the Court that will define when it began and ended, based on the evidence.

Problems with Infidelity Research

David Atkins, a research associate professor at the University of Washington in Seattle, outlined the problems researchers face in getting accurate information on the subject. Responses to the survey question "Have you ever had sex with someone other than your spouse while you were married?" aren't clear-cut, he said. "The first thing we have to grapple with is honesty. We know that is a significant issue," he said, explaining that research published last year found that some won't admit infidelity in person but will anonymously. Also, some people interpret sex as intercourse and others don't, he said. The most reliable data, researchers say, comes from that question posed in the nationally representative General Social Survey, a face-to-face interview. Atkins' new study of trends over a 15-year period (1991–2006) in which 19,065 people participated found that infidelity rates were climbing among certain age groups: those 60 and older and those 35 and younger.

Infidelity at Work

An office romance, work romance, or corporate affair is a romance that occurs between two people who work together in the same office, work location, or business.

Adulterous office romances are widely considered to be unhelpful to business and work relationships, but while superior-subordinate relationships are banned in 90% of companies with written policies regarding office romance, companies cannot ban adultery, as, in all but a handful of states, such regulations would run afoul of laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of marital status. Firings nonetheless often occur on the basis of charges of inappropriate office conduct.

Academics and therapists say cheating is probably more prevalent on the road than close to home. The protection of the road offers a secret life of romance, far from spouses or partners. Affairs range from one-night stands to relationships that last for years. They are usually with a co-worker, a business associate or someone they repeatedly encounter.

Another reason for the development of office romances is the excessive time coworkers spend together. Spouses today often spend more time with coworkers in the office than with each other. Lisa Miller and Lorraine Ali note in their article from Newsweek, “The New Infidelity” that “nearly 60 percent of American women work outside the home, up from about 40 percent in 1964. Quite simply, women intersect with more people during the day than they used to. They go to more meetings, take more business trips and, presumably, participate more in flirtatious water-cooler chatter."

According to Dr. Debra Laino in an article for Shave Magazine, some of the reasons women cheat at the workplace are because "women are disproportionately exposed to men in the workplace, and, as a direct consequence, many have more options and chances to cheat."

Different Types of Infidelity

Each case of infidelity serves a different purpose. Being able to justify the behavior of a spouse and define it will lessen some of the confusion. There are five categories of infidelity:

1. opportunistic infidelity:-example debauchery.
2. obligatory infidelity
3. romantic infidelity
4. conflicted romantic infidelity, and
5. commemorative infidelity

Opportunistic infidelity occurs when a partner is in love and attached to a partner, but surrenders to their sexual desire for someone else. The opportunistic infidelity is driven by irrepressible lust, situational circumstances and/or opportunity, and sometimes, pure risk-taking behavior.

Obligatory infidelity is based on fear that refraining from someone's sexual advances will result in rejection, and being unwilling to handle such rejection, resulting in surrender to them. Some people end up cheating solely on the need for approval from somebody, even though they still hold a strong attraction to their committed partner.

Romantic infidelity occurs when the cheater is in the process of "falling out of love" with his/her partner. The person's self-perceived obligatory commitment to the relationship's tenets and overall life-meaning is likely the only thing still keeping them with their partner in this example.

Sometimes a partner may choose to accept the infidelity of the other without repair of the relationship. This may be out of love or commitment for each other, commitment to their children, or financial stability. This usually results from one or the other partner requiring nationalization status. Sometimes the desire for nationalization is so great that conflicts can arise within the relationship, driving one or the other partner to a request or demand a "break" from the relationship. Unfortunately, during this period, emotional conflicts will sometimes compel one or the other partner to seek sexual comfort, arousal or placation (or a combination thereof) with a partner that is independent of their current relationship. More often than not, this phenomena results from one partner having left the country for an unspecified period of time, leaving the other partner to feel abandoned, disconnected, or emotional disenfranchised. This is especially prominent within the art community, where proximity and duration of professional relationships, commonality of interests and varying degrees of narcissism and insecurity are rampant. Particular branches of the arts are more susceptible to this behavior, specifically those dealing with music and voice (e.g., musical theater and opera singers). The salve for this emotional distress between the two partners, though, is usually resolved when one or the other decides to either permanently accept the offer of nationalization by marriage, allow for space to synthesize the current situation by leaving for a short period of time and living far away (e.g., Australia or France) or both. In either case, the situation remains that one or the other partner can be guilty of physical and even emotional infidelity. If neither is willing to acknowledge the said act of infidelity, then the relationship will usually end in either marriage, separation with hurt feelings or both.

Conflicted romantic infidelity takes place when a person both falls in love with and has a strong sexual desire for multiple people at one time, even though s/he may already be committed to a partner. In this circumstance the person feels s/he cannot tell his/her committed partner about what has happened, but is in any unable to resist the compulsion; this lack of open discussion is usually what separates conflicted romantic infidelity from things like a well-defined open relationship or polyamory.

Commemorative infidelity occurs when a person has completely fallen out of love with their spouse, but is still in a committed relationship with them.

Make up or Breakup

Divorce is one response to marital infidelity. Another would be to seek couple's therapy or counseling. With time to heal and the mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship, some couples emerge from infidelity with a stronger and more honest relationship than before. Relationship counseling can help put an affair into perspective, explore underlying relationship problems, learn how to rebuild and strengthen a relationship, and avoid divorce — if that is the mutual goal.

Marriage counseling is generally provided by licensed therapists or clinical psychologists known as couple, marriage or family therapists (see family therapy and emotionally focused therapy). These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus — a couple's relationship.

Relationship counseling typically brings partners together for joint sessions. The counselor or therapist helps couples pinpoint and understand the sources of their conflicts and try to resolve them. Partners evaluate both the good and bad parts of their relationship. Integrative behavioral couples therapy has shown success in increasing intimacy after an affair.

Intimate betrayal inflicts an attachment wound and this is sometimes irreparable, particularly when both partners are not committed to repair.

In her research, Candyce Russell, a licensed family therapist developed three Emotional Stages that typically follow an incident of infidelity:

Stage One: Roller-Coaster a time filled with strong emotions, ranging from anger and self-blame to periods of introspection and appreciation for the relationship.

Stage Two: Moratorium a less emotional period in which the cheated-on spouse tries to make sense of the infidelity, obsesses about details of the affair, retreats physically and emotionally from the relationship, and reaches out to others for help.

Stage Three: Trust-Building for couples who decided they wanted to stay together and make their marriage work. In this stage, “showing commitment to the relationship was most important for injured parties to begin forgiving and building trust," Russell said.

See also

• Extramarital sex
• Adultery
• Emotional affair
• Open marriage relationship
• Crime of passion
• Polygyny threshold model
• Mistress (lover)
• Relational transgressions
• Promiscuity

References

Bibliography

• For Your Marriage, The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
• NORC at the University of Chicago
• Moultrup, David J. (1990). Husbands, Wives & Lovers . New York: Guilford Press.
• Glass, S. P., & Wright, T. L. (1992). Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender. Journal of Sex Research 29, 361-387.
• Pittman, F. (1989). Private Lies . New York: W. W. Norton Co.
• Rubin, A. M., & Adams, J. R. (1986). Outcomes of sexually open marriages. Journal of Sex Research, 22, 311-319.
• Vaughan, P. (1989). The Monogamy Myth. New York: New Market Press.
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• Blow, Adrian J. (2005). "Infidelity in Committed Relationships II: A Substantive Review". Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 31 (2). Washington, D.C.: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. ISSN 0194-472x. {{cite journal}}: Check |issn= value (help); Unknown parameter |coauthors= ignored (|author= suggested) (help); Unknown parameter |month= ignored (help)
• Blow, Adrian J. (2005). "Infidelity in Committed Relationships I: A Methodological Review". Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 31 (2). Washington, D.C.: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. ISSN 0194-472x. {{cite journal}}: Check |issn= value (help); Unknown parameter |coauthors= ignored (|author= suggested) (help); Unknown parameter |month= ignored (help)
• Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity
• Adult attachment and patterns of extradyadic involvement Family Process, Dec 2004 by Elizabeth S. Allen, Donald H. Baucom
• AN INTEGRATIVE INTERVENTION FOR PROMOTING RECOVERY FROM EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, April 2004 by Gordon, Kristina Coop, Baucom, Donald H, Snyder, Douglas K
• Treating infidelity: Therapeutic dilemmas and effective strategies Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, October 2004 by Ward, David B
• Managing Infidelity: A Cross-Cultural Perspective by Anne Buckmaster, William Jankowiak, M. Diane Nell; Ethnology, Vol. 41, PART 1, pages 85–100 2002
• The late Shirley Glass' web site with free article and quizzes
• Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding--and Managing--Romance on the Job, by Stephanie Losee and Helaine Olen, chapters 12 and 14
• ANTICIPATION OF MARITAL DISSOLUTION AS A CONSEQUENCE OF SPOUSAL INFIDELITY
• Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn by Jennifer Harley Chalmers, Ph.D.
• Professor Kristina Gordon's research into infidelity and betrayal
• Fidelity versus infidelity defined in a research project
• Cybersex and Infidelity Online: Implications for Evaluation and Treatment by Kimberly S. Young, Alvin Cooper, Eric Griffiths-Shelley, James O'Mara, and Jennifer Buchanan Paper Published in Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7(10, 59-74, 2000