Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".
People who identify as polyamorous reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed, long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to or emotionally suited for polyamory may embark on a polyamorous relationship when single or already in a monogamous or open relationship.
Polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved, but with recurring themes or values, such as love, intimacy, honesty, integrity, equality, communication, and commitment.
Confusion arises when polyamory is misapplied in a broader sense, as an umbrella term for various forms of consensual non-monogamous, multi-partner relationships (including polyamory), or consensual non-exclusive sexual or romantic relationships.
- 1 Terminology
- 2 Forms
- 3 Cultural diversity
- 4 Religion
- 5 Marriage implications
- 6 As a practice
- 7 Philosophical aspects
- 8 Research
- 9 Criticisms
- 10 Symbols
- 11 See also
- 12 References
- 13 Further reading
- 14 External links
The word polyamorous first appeared in an article by Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart, "A Bouquet of Lovers", published in May 1990 in Green Egg Magazine, as "poly-amorous". In May 1992, Jennifer L. Wesp created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory, and the Oxford English Dictionary cites the proposal to create that group as the first verified appearance of the word. The words "polyamory, -ous, and -ist" were added to the OED in 2006. In 1999, Zell-Ravenheart was asked by the editor of the OED to provide a definition of the term, and had provided it as The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Polyamory is a less specific term than polygamy, the practice or condition of having more than one spouse.
No single definition of "polyamory" has universal acceptance. Although many individuals[who?] would define polyamory as a relationship practice or form, some[who?] believe that it should be classified an orientation or identity (like sexual orientation or gender identity). Most definitions of polyamory center on the concepts provided by Ravenheart's definition. Areas of difference arise regarding the degree of commitment, such as in the practice of casual sexual activities, and whether it represents a viewpoint or a relational status quo (whether a person without current partners can be considered "polyamorous"). Polyamorous relationships can be open, where the relational partners agree to permit romantic or sexual relationships with other people, or closed, where those involved do not engage in relationships outside of the defined set of committed partners. The practice of engaging in closed polyamorous relationships is sometimes called[according to whom?] polyfidelity.
The terms primary (or primary relationship(s)) and secondary (or secondary relationship(s)) may be used[when?] to indicate a hierarchy of different relationships or the place of each relationship in a person's life. Thus, a person may refer to a live-in partner as their primary partner, and a lover whom they only see once a week as their secondary partner, in order to differentiate to the listener who is whom. While such labels can be used as a tool to manage multiple relationships[according to whom?], some[who?] believe that such a hierarchy is unfair, that all the involved partners deserve equal standing and consideration. Another model, sometimes referred[according to whom?] to as an intimate network, includes relationships that are of varying significance to the people involved, but are not explicitly labeled as "primary" or "secondary". Within this model, a hierarchy may be fluid and vague, or nonexistent.
There are many ways to explore and express intimacy in a nonmonogamous fashion. Some[who?] consider these "polyamorous" so long as those involved practice (or at least aspire to) high standards of loving ethically, honestly, openly, and respectfully. These may share the terminology that has evolved with modern nonmonogamous practices.
Specifically, there are multiple variants on polyamory, such as[original research?]
- intimate networks — interconnected loving relationships, where an individual may have relationships of varying degrees of intimacy with multiple others
- solo polyamory — an individual with no particular desire to join or create a household (sometimes referred to as "nesting") with their intimate partners
- the so-called "geometric" configurations; for example,
- vee — one person with two intimate partners who aren't themselves sexually involved
- triad — three people romantically involved, perhaps an established couple involved with an individual
- quad — four individuals, often formed between two established couples
- N — possibly a couple who each have another partner, or two couples
- polygamy (polygyny and polyandry), in which one person marries several spouses (who may or may not consider themselves married to, or have romantic relationships with, one another)
- hierarchal — which distinguish between "primary" and "secondary" relationships (e.g. many open marriages)
- "mono/poly" — one partner is monogamous but accepts their partner having other intimates as well
- open relationships/open marriages — participants may be intimate with others who are not within their core group of partners; some may be open only sexually, while exclusive emotionally, as with swinger.
- polyfidelity — multiple interpersonal relationships, with sexual contact restricted to only specific partners in the group (e.g., group marriage)
There is a cultural divide between the polyamorous and swinger communities, the former emphasizing the emotional and egalitarian aspects of plural relationships and the latter emphasizing sexual non-monogamy and emotional monogamy. A person with polyamorous relationships may also engage in swinging and other open relationships. As well, swingers occasionally develop deep emotional attachments with their sexual friends. Swingers and polyamorous people alike might engage in secret infidelities, though this is no more acceptable than in monogamy.
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"Polygamy" generally refers to codified forms of multiple marriage (especially those with a traditional/religious basis), while "polyamory" implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members, rather than by cultural norms. Polyamory is culturally rooted in such concepts as choice and individuality, rather than in religious traditions.[original research?]
citation needed] – , those reflected by sexual freedom advocacy groups such as Woodhull Freedom Foundation & Federation, National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and the American Civil Liberties Union.[
Polyamory and BDSM  face similar challenges (e.g. negotiating the ground rules for unconventional relationships, or the question of coming out to family and friends), and the cross-pollination of ideas takes place between the two.
The Oneida Community in the 1800s in New York (a Christian religious commune) believed strongly in a system of free love known as complex marriage, where any member was free to have sex with any other who consented. Possessiveness and exclusive relationships were frowned upon.
Kerista was a new religion that was started in New York City in 1956 by John Peltz "Bro Jud" Presmont; throughout much of its history, Kerista was centered on the ideals of polyfidelity and creation of intentional communities.
On August 29, 2017, the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood released a manifesto on human sexuality known as the "Nashville Statement". The statement was signed by 150 evangelical leaders, and includes 14 points of belief. Among other things, it states, "We deny that God has designed marriage to be a homosexual, polygamous, or polyamorous relationship."
Some Jews are polyamorous, but mainstream Judaism does not accept polyamory; however, Sharon Kleinbaum, the senior rabbi at Congregation Beit Simchat Torah in New York, has said that polyamory is a choice that does not preclude a Jewishly observant and socially conscious life. Some polyamorous Jews also point to biblical patriarchs having multiple wives and concubines as evidence that polyamorous relationships can be sacred in Judaism. An email list dedicated to polyamorous Jews, called AhavaRaba, which roughly translates to "big love" in Hebrew, and whose name echoes God's "great" or "abounding" love mentioned in the Ahava rabbah prayer.
LaVeyan Satanism is critical of Abrahamic sexual mores, considering them narrow, restrictive and hypocritical. Satanists are pluralists, accepting polyamorists, bisexuals, lesbians, gays, BDSM, transgender people, and asexuals. Sex is viewed as an indulgence, but one that should only be freely entered into with consent. The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth only give two instructions regarding sex: "Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal" and "Do not harm little children," though the latter is much broader and encompasses physical and other abuse. This has always been consistent part of CoS policy since its inception in 1966, as Peter H. Gillmore wrote in an essay supporting same sex marriage:
Finally, since certain people try to suggest that our attitude on sexuality is "anything goes" despite our stated base principle of "responsibility to the responsible", we must reiterate another fundamental dictate: The Church of Satan's philosophy strictly forbids sexual activity with children as well as with non-human animals.— Magister Peter H. Gilmore
Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness, founded in 2001, has engaged in ongoing education and advocacy for greater understanding and acceptance of polyamory within the Unitarian Universalist Association. At the 2014 General Assembly, two UUPA members moved to include the category of "family and relationship structures" in the UUA's nondiscrimination rule, along with other amendments; the package of proposed amendments was ratified by the GA delegates. While this has encouraged UUPA's membership, the UUA itself has yet to take specific action towards assuring greater awareness and inclusion of polyamorous people.
Bigamy is the act of marrying one person while already being married to another, and is legally prohibited in most countries in which monogamy is the cultural norm. Some bigamy statutes are broad enough to potentially encompass polyamorous relationships involving cohabitation, even if none of the participants claim marriage to more than one partner.
In most countries, it is legal for three or more people to form and share a sexual relationship (subject sometimes to laws against homosexuality or adultery if two of the three are married). About 25% of countries recognize marriages between a man and more than one woman, although with only minor exceptions no developed countries permit marriage among more than two people, nor do the majority of countries give legal protection (e.g., of rights relating to children) to non-married partners. Individuals involved in polyamorous relationships are generally considered by the law to be no different from people who live together, or "date", under other circumstances. In 2017 John Alejandro Rodriguez, Victor Hugo Prada, and Manuel Jose Bermudez were married in Colombia, thus becoming Columbia's first polyamorous family to have a legally recognized relationship.
In many jurisdictions where same-sex couples can access civil unions or registered partnerships, these are often intended as parallel institutions to that of heterosexual monogamous marriage. Accordingly, they include parallel entitlements, obligations, and limitations. Among the latter, as in the case of the New Zealand Civil Union Act 2005, there are parallel prohibitions on civil unions with more than one partner, which is considered bigamy, or dual marriage/civil union hybrids with more than one person. Both are banned under Sections 205–206 of the Crimes Act 1961. In jurisdictions where same-sex marriage proper exists, bigamous same-sex marriages fall under the same set of legal prohibitions as bigamous heterosexual marriages. As yet, there is no case law applicable to these issues.
Having multiple non-marital partners, even if married to one, is legal in most U.S. jurisdictions; at most it constitutes grounds for divorce if the spouse is non-consenting, or feels that the interest in a further partner has destabilized the marriage. In jurisdictions where civil unions or registered partnerships are recognized, the same principle applies to divorce in those contexts. There are exceptions to this: in North Carolina, a spouse can sue a third party for causing "loss of affection" in or "criminal conversation" (adultery) with their spouse, and more than twenty states in the US have laws against adultery although they are infrequently enforced. Some states were prompted to review their laws criminalizing consensual sexual activity in the wake of the Supreme Court's ruling in Lawrence v. Texas. Some social conservatives hold that the reading of Justice Kennedy's opinion in Lawrence is that states may not constitutionally burden any private, consensual sexual activity between adults. Such a reading would throw laws against fornication, adultery, and even adult incest into question.
At present, the extension to multiple-partner relationships of laws that use a criterion similar to that adopted in the UK, i.e., "married or living together as married" remains largely untested. That is, it is not known whether these laws could treat some trios or larger groups as common-law marriages.
If marriage is intended, most countries provide for both a religious marriage and a civil ceremony (sometimes combined). These recognize and formalize the relationship. Few Western countries give either religious or legal recognition – or permission – to marriages with three or more partners. While a recent case in the Netherlands was commonly read as demonstrating that Dutch law permitted multiple-partner civil unions, the relationship in question was a samenlevingscontract, or "cohabitation contract", and not a registered partnership or marriage. The Netherlands' law concerning registered partnerships provides that
- a person may be involved in one only registered partnership with one other person whether of the same or of opposite sex at any one time.
- persons who enter into a registered partnership may not at the same time be married.
When a relationship ends, non-consensual infidelity ("cheating") is often grounds for an unfavorable divorce settlement, and infidelity generally  as a prejudicial issue by an antagonistic partner.
A detailed legal theory of polyamorous marriage is being developed.[undue weight? ] The "dyadic networks" model calls for the revision of existing laws against bigamy to permit married persons to enter into additional marriages, provided that they have first given legal notice to their existing marital partner(s). And some legal scholars believe that the US constitutional rights of Due Process and Equal Protection fully support marriage rights for polyamorous families.
During a PinkNews question-and-answer session in May 2015, Redfern Jon Barrett questioned Natalie Bennett, leader of the Green Party of England and Wales, about her party's stance towards polyamorous marriage rights. Bennett responded by saying that her party is "open" to discussion on the idea of civil partnership or marriages between three people. Bennett's announcement aroused media controversy on the topic and led to major international news outlets covering her answer. A follow-up article written by Barrett was published by PinkNews on May 4, 2015, further exploring the topic.
As a practice
Separate from polyamory as a philosophical basis for relationship, are the practical ways in which people who live polyamorously arrange their lives and handle certain issues, as compared to those of a generally more socially acceptable monogamous arrangement.
- Fidelity and loyalty: Many polyamorists define fidelity not as sexual exclusivity, but as faithfulness to the promises and agreements made about a relationship. As a relational practice, polyamory sustains a vast variety of open relationship or multi-partner constellations, which can differ in definition and grades of intensity, closeness and commitment. For some, polyamory functions as an umbrella term for the multiple approaches of ‘responsible non-monogamy.’  A secret sexual relationship that violates those accords would be seen as a breach of fidelity. Polyamorists generally base definitions of commitment on considerations other than sexual exclusivity, e.g. "trust and honesty" or "growing old together".
- Communication and negotiation: Because there is no "standard model" for polyamorous relationships, and reliance upon common expectations may not be realistic, polyamorists often advocate explicitly negotiating with all involved to establish the terms of their relationships, and often emphasize that this should be an ongoing process of honest communication and respect. Polyamorists will usually take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; many accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals, and that communication is important for repairing any breaches.
- Trust, honesty, dignity, and respect: Most polyamorists emphasize respect, trust, and honesty for all partners. Ideally, a partner's partners are accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated, and usually a relationship that requires deception or a "don't ask don't tell" policy is seen as a less than ideal model.
- Boundaries and agreements: Poly relationships often involve negotiating agreements, and establishing specific boundaries, or "ground rules"; such agreements vary widely and may change over time, but could include, for example: consultation about new relationships; devising schedules that work for everyone; limits on physical displays of affection in public or among mixed company; and budgeting the amount of money a partner can spend on additional partners.
- Gender equality: Some polyamorists[who?] do not believe in different relationship "rules" based on gender (this is arguably in contrast to some forms of religious non-monogamy, which are often patriarchically based). Sometimes, couples first expanding an existing monogamous relationship into a polyamorous one, may adhere to gender-specific boundaries, such as when a wife agrees not to engage sexually with another male at her husband's request, but may be allowed to have romantic and sexual relationships with women. Such terms and boundaries are negotiable, and such asymmetric degrees of freedom among the partners (who need not be of different genders) are often due to individual differences and needs, and may be understood to be temporary within a negotiated time frame, until further opening up of the relationship becomes practicable or easier for the parties to handle emotionally.
- Non-possessiveness: Many polyamorists[who?] view excessive restrictions on other deep relationships as less than desirable, as such restrictions can be used to replace trust with a framework of ownership and control. It is usually preferred or encouraged that a polyamorist strive to view their partners' other significant others (often referred to as OSOs[by whom?]) in terms of the gain to their partners' lives rather than a threat to their own (see compersion). Therefore, jealousy and possessiveness are generally viewed not so much as something to avoid or structure the relationships around, but as responses that should be explored, understood, and resolved within each individual, with compersion as a goal.
Effects upon domesticity
- The ability of individuals to discuss issues with multiple partners, potentially mediating and thus stabilizing a relationship, and reducing polarization of viewpoints.
- Emotional support and structure from other committed adults within the familial unit.
- A wider range of adult experience, skills, resources, and perspective.
- Support for companionate marriages, which can be satisfying even if no longer sexually vital, since romantic needs are met elsewhere. This acts to preserve existing relationships.
- More emotional, intellectual and sexual needs met as part of the understanding that one person cannot be expected provide all. Conversely, polyamory offers release from the monogamist expectation that one person must meet all of an individual's needs (sex, emotional support, primary friendship, intellectual stimulation, companionship, social presentation).
Many[quantify] polyamorists have children, either within the relationship(s) or from previous relationships. Like other elements of polyamory, the way children are integrated into the family structure varies widely.[according to whom?] Some possibilities are:
- Parents are primarily responsible for their own children (biological, adoptive, or step-), but other members of the relationship act as an extended family, providing assistance in child-rearing.
- Adults raise children collectively, all taking equal responsibility for each child regardless of consanguinity.
- Parents are wholly responsible for their own children, with other members of the relationship relating to the children as friends of the parents.
- Children treat parents' partners as a form of stepparent or are told to think of them as aunts and uncles.
The choice of structures is affected by timing: an adult who has been present throughout a child's life is likely to have a more parental relationship with that child than one who enters a relationship with people who already have a teenage child. (The issues involved often parallel those of step-parenting.) The degree of logistical and emotional involvement between the members of the relationship is also important: a close-knit triad already living under one roof with shared finances is far more likely[according to whom?] to take a collective approach to parenting than would a larger, loose-knit group with separate living arrangements:
Some poly families are structured so that one parent can be home to care for the children while two or more other adults work outside the home and earn an income, thus providing a better standard of living for all concerned. More adult caretakers means more people available for child care, help with homework, and daily issues such as transportation to extracurricular activities. Children thrive on love. The more adults they have to love them who are part of the family, the happier and more well-adjusted they are. There is no evidence that growing up in a poly family is detrimental to the physical, psychological or moral well being of children. If parents are happy in their intimate relationships, it helps the family. Happy families are good for children.
Whether children are fully informed of the nature of their parents' relationship varies, according to the above considerations and also to whether the parents are "out" to other adults.
In one possible case indicative[weasel words] of the law related to parenting and polyamory in the United States, the Pennsylvania State Supreme Court in 2006 voted 5–1 that a father in a custody case had the right to teach his child (age 13) about polygamy (and hence possibly by implication about other multiple partner relationships), and that this right "trumped" the anti-bigamy and other laws that might apply and was not deemed inherently harmful to the child. (Note: this decision was made in the context of religious freedom, but religious freedom would not apply if there was harm to the child.)
An editorial article on the polyamory website Polyamoryonline.org proposed in 2006 the following issues as being worthy of specific coverage and attention:
- Helping children cope with "being different".
- "Coming out" as polyamorous (and explaining polyamory) to children.
- Polyamorous parental interactions.
- Polyamory social settings (involving children).
- Legal (parenting) issues.
The author, herself part of a polyamorous relationship with two other adults, comments that:
The kids started realizing that there were three adults in the house that they had to answer to. Then came the onslaught of trying to 'befriend' a particular adult and get what they wanted from that one adult. Another big shock when they found that it didn't work and that we all communicated about wants or needs of any given child. After this was established, we sort of fell into our patterns of school, practices, just normal life in general. The kids all started realizing that there were three of us to care for them when they were sick, three of us to get scolded from, hugs from, tickles from; three of us to feed the small army of mouths and three of us to trust completely in. After trust was established, they asked more questions. Why do we have to live together? Why can't I have my own room? ... Why do you guys love each other? Why do I have to listen to them (non-biological parent)? We answered them as truthfully as we could and as much as was appropriate for their age. I found that it was more unnerving for me to think about how to approach a new kid and their parents than it ever was for the kids.
Parents involved in polyamorous relationships often[not specific enough to verify] keep it a secret because of the risk that it will be used by an ex-spouse, or other family member, as grounds to deprive them of custody of or access to their children. The fear is that it will be used in family disputes much as homosexuality has been used in the past.
In 1998, a Tennessee court granted guardianship of a child to her grandmother and step-grandfather after the child's mother April Divilbiss and partners outed themselves as polyamorous on MTV. After contesting the decision for two years, Divilbiss eventually agreed to relinquish her daughter, acknowledging that she was unable to adequately care for her child and that this, rather than her polyamory, had been the grandparents' real motivation in seeking custody. The Tennessee case is not necessarily normative for the entirety of the United States, since family law varies significantly from state to state. U.S. state law is, of course, not normative for laws of other countries.[original research?]
Compersion (or, in Britain, frubble) is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy, and  by members of the polyamory community[when defined as?] in the context of polyamorous relationships. It is used[according to whom?] to describe when a person experiences positive feelings[vague] when a lover is enjoying another relationship.
Polyamorous views on jealousy and compersion
The concept of compersive behavior is citation needed] within the so-called polyamorous community, and was originally coined by the Kerista Commune in San Francisco, who also coined polyfidelity to describe their relational ideal.[
In romantic relationships,[when defined as?] thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over the anticipated loss of a partner or of that partner's attention, affection, or time elicit both compersion and jealousy as natural reactions to perceived complexities of non-monogamy and  in polyamorous literature.[when defined as?]
Some polyamorous people[who?] state belief that jealousy will inherently occur in open romantic relationships. Compersion has often[quantify] been referred to as "the opposite of jealousy".
Definitions of compersion
- PolyOz — "the positive feelings one gets when a lover is enjoying another relationship. Sometimes called the opposite or flip side of jealousy." They comment that compersion can coexist with jealous feelings.
- The Polyamory society — "the feeling of taking joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another".
- The InnKeeper — "A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. ... Compersion does not specifically refer to joy regarding the sexual activity of one's partner, but refers instead to joy at the relationship with another romantic or sexual partner. It's analogous to the joy parents feel when their children get married, or to the happiness felt between best friends when they find a partner."
- From Opening Up, Serena Anderlini-D'Onofrio writes that compersion is, in part, "the ability to turn jealousy's negative feelings into acceptance of, and vicarious enjoyment for, a lover's joy". (p. 175)
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In 1929, Marriage and Morals, written by the philosopher, mathematician, and Nobel Prize winner Bertrand Russell, offered a  to the philosophy of polyamory. At the time of publication, Russell's questioning of the contemporary notions of morality regarding sex and marriage prompted vigorous protests and denunciations, but several intellectuals, led by John Dewey, spoke out against this treatment.
In Echlin's article in The Guardian,[full citation needed] six reasons for choosing polyamory are identified: a drive towards female independence and equality driven by feminism; disillusionment with monogamy; a yearning for community; honesty and realism in respect of relational nature of human beings; human nature; and individual non-matching of the traditional monogamous stereotype. Jim Fleckenstein, director of the Institute for 21st-Century Relationships, is quoted as stating that the polyamory movement has been driven not only by science fiction, but also by feminism: "Increased financial independence means that women can build relationships the way they want to." The disillusionment with monogamy is said to be "because of widespread cheating and divorce". The longing for community is associated with a felt need for the richness of "complex and deep relationships through extended networks" in response to the replacement and fragmentation of the extended family by nuclear families. "For many", Echlin writes, "it is a hankering for community ... we have become increasingly alienated, partly because of the 20th century's replacement of the extended family with the nuclear family. As a result, many of us are striving to create complex and deep relationships through extended networks of multiple lovers and extended families ... Polys agree that some people are monogamous by nature. But some of us are not, and more and more are refusing to be shoehorned into monogamy."[undue weight? ]
Others[quantify] speak of creating an "honest responsible and socially acceptable" version of non-monogamy – "since so many people are already non-monogamous, why not develop a non-monogamy that is honest, responsible and socially acceptable? ... It seems weird that having affairs is OK but being upfront about it is rocking the boat."
Research into polyamory has been limited. A comprehensive government study of sexual attitudes, behaviors and relationships in Finland in 1992 (age 18–75, around 50% female and male) found that around 200 out of 2250 (8.9%) respondents "agreed or strongly agreed" with the statement "I could maintain several sexual relationships at the same time" and 8.2% indicated a relationship type "that best suits" at the present stage of life would involve multiple partners. By contrast, when asked about other relationships at the same time as a steady relationship, around 17% stated they had had other partners while in a steady relationship (50% no, 17% yes, 33% refused to answer).  (PDF)
The article,What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory, based on a paper presented at the 8th Annual Diversity Conference in March 1999 in Albany, New York, states the following:
While openly polyamorous relationships are relatively rare (Rubin, 1982), there are indications that private polyamorous arrangements within relationships are actually quite common. Blumstein and Schwartz (1983, cited in Rubin & Adams, 1986) noted that of 3,574 married couples in their sample, 15–28% had an understanding that allows nonmonogamy under some circumstances. The percentages are higher among cohabitating couples (28%), lesbian couples (29%) and gay male couples (65%) (p. 312).
A study by Moors et al. examined "consensual non-monogamy" or CNM (which includes polyamory) in the context of attachment in adults, particularly with regards to anxiety (insecurity about a partner's availability) and avoidance (discomfort with closeness). The first sample was of exclusively monogamous individuals that were not told the nature of what was being studied, and found that those with high attachment avoidance[Jargon] tended to view CNM more positively as well as being more willing to engage in it (but had not actually engaged in it). The authors theorized this was "because these relationships promote distance from their partners and support their accepting attitudes toward uncommitted and casual sex." Individuals with high attachment anxiety tended to view CNM negatively, but no correlation was found regarding willingness to engage in it. The second sample was a targeted recruitment of individuals currently engaged in CNM relationships. This sample showed low levels of attachment avoidance, and no correlation related to attachment anxiety. The lack of correlation with anxiety in either sample with regards to willingness or actual engagement suggested it may have little impact on the matter. The large disparity in attachment avoidance between those willing to engage in CNM and those that actually engage in it could not be fully explained within the context of the study, but the authors offer several hypotheses.[examples needed] The study also had a few limitations, including that all subjects were heterosexual, the data was anonymous self-report and the second sample may have suffered from social desirability bias due to its targeted recruitment.
In a clinical setting
There is little research at present into the specific needs and requirements for handling polyamory in a clinical context.[needs update] A notable paper[according to whom?] in this regard is Working with polyamorous clients in the clinical setting (Davidson, 2002), which addresses the following areas of inquiry:
- Why is it important that we talk about alternatives to monogamy now?
- How can therapists prepare to work with people who are exploring polyamory?
- What basic understandings about polyamory are needed?
- What key issues do therapists need to watch for in the course of working with polyamorous clients?
Its conclusions, summarized,[according to whom?] were that "Sweeping changes are occurring in the sexual and relational landscape" (including "dissatisfaction with limitations of serial monogamy, i.e. exchanging one partner for another in the hope of a better outcome"); that clinicians need to start by "recognizing the array of possibilities that 'polyamory' encompasses" and "examine our culturally-based assumption that 'only monogamy is acceptable'" and how this bias impacts on the practice of therapy; the need for self-education about polyamory, basic understandings about the "rewards of the poly lifestyle" and the common social and relationship challenges faced by those involved, and the "shadow side" of polyamory, the potential existing for coercion, strong emotions in opposition, and jealousy.
The paper also states that the configurations a therapist would be "most likely to see in practice" are individuals involved in primary-plus arrangements, monogamous couples wishing to explore non-monogamy for the first time, and "poly singles".
A manual for psychotherapists who deal with polyamorous clients was published in September 2009 by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom titled What Psychotherapists Should Know About Polyamory.[self-published source?]
Favorable preexisting conditions before nonmonogamy
Michael Shernoff cites two studies in his report on same-sex couples considering nonmonogamy.
Morin (1999) stated that a couple has a very good chance of adjusting to nonexclusivity if at least some of the following conditions exist:
- Both partners want their relationship to remain primary.
- The couple has an established reservoir of good will.
- There is a minimum of lingering resentments from past hurts and betrayals.
- The partners are not polarized over monogamy/non-monogamy.
- The partners are feeling similarly powerful and autonomous.
Green and Mitchell (2002) stated that direct discussion of the following issues can provide the basis for honest and important conversations:
- Openness versus secrecy
- Volition and equality versus coercion and inequality
- Clarity and specificity of agreements versus confusion/vagueness
- Honoring keeping agreements versus violating them
- How each partner views non-monogamy.
According to Shernoff, if the matter is discussed with a third party, such as a therapist, the task of the therapist is to
engage couples in conversations that let them decide for themselves whether sexual exclusivity or nonexclusivity is functional or dysfunctional for the relationship.
Perceived failure rates and relationship satisfaction
Polyamorous relationships are often[quantify] criticised as "not lasting".[according to whom?] For example, Stanley Kurtz takes this as axiomatic[when defined as?] when he says "… legally recognized polyamory [would] be unstable …" Those opposed[quantify] to polyamory argue it leads to decreased relationship quality in the long run.
The complex nature of polyamory presents difficulties in structuring research into the stability of polyamorous relationships. For instance, polyamorists may be reluctant to disclose their relationship status due to potential negative consequences, and researchers may be unfamiliar with the full range of polyamorous behaviours, leading to poorly framed questions that give misleading results.
A number of symbols have been created to represent polyamory. These include a parrot (a pun, as "Polly" is a common name for domesticated parrots) and the infinity heart. The "infinity heart" symbol has appeared on pins, T-shirts, bumper stickers and other media.
The Polyamory Pride Flag designed by Jim Evans has stripes of blue (representing openness and honesty among all partners), red (representing love and passion), and black (representing solidarity with those who must hide their polyamorous relationships from the outside world). In the center of the flag is a gold Greek lowercase letter 'pi', as the first letter of 'polyamory'. Gold represents "the value that we place on the emotional attachment to others... as opposed to merely primarily physical relationships." There is also a similar ribbon.
- Sheff, Elisabeth (2016). When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships. Portland, Oregon: Thorntree Press.
- Haritaworn, J.; Lin, C.-j.; Klesse, C. (2016-08-15). "Poly/logue: A Critical Introduction to Polyamory". Sexualities. 9 (5): 515–529. doi:10.1177/1363460706069963.
- Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart. A Bouquet of Lovers (1990)
- Klesse, C. (2016-08-15). "Polyamory and its 'Others': Contesting the Terms of Non-Monogamy". Sexualities. 9 (5): 565–583. doi:10.1177/1363460706069986.
- Keenan, Jillian (June 13, 2013). "Marry Me. And Me: The case for polyamory. And while we’re at it, let’s privatize marriage.". Slate.
- Klesse, C. (2011). "Notions of love in polyamory—Elements in a discourse on multiple loving". Laboratorium. 3 (2): 4–25.
- Helen Echlin (November 14, 2003). "When two just won't do". The Guardian. Retrieved March 27, 2007.
For most people, the biggest stumbling block to polyamory is jealousy. But polys try to see jealousy less as a green-eyed monster than as an opportunity for character-building
- Schippers, Mimi (2017). Beyond Monogamy: Polyamory and the Future of Polyqueer Sexualities. NYU Press.
- "Poly glossary". PolyMatchMaker.com. Retrieved 24 June 2017.
- "Alan" (6 January 2007). ""Polyamory" enters the Oxford English Dictionary, and tracking the word's origins". Polyamory in the News!. Retrieved 27 Jan 2016.
- "alt.polyamory Frequently Asked Questions: Section – 1). What's alt.polyamory?".
- "September 2006 update". The OED today. Oxford Dictionaries. 14 September 2006. Retrieved 27 January 2016.
- The Ravenhearts. "Frequently Asked Questions re: Polyamory". Archived from the original on March 24, 2010. Retrieved July 6, 2011.
- MacArthur, N. (2016, August 17). Why People Are Fighting to Get Polyamory Recognized as a Sexual Orientation
- Bergstrand, Curtis; Blevins Williams, Jennifer (2000-10-10). "Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of Swingers". Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality. 3. Retrieved 2010-01-24.
- "National ACLU Policy on Plural Marriage". Archived from the original on August 19, 2013.
- For instance, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, co-authors of The Ethical Slut, are equally well known as authors on BDSM; in the introduction to The New Bottoming Book, Hardy describes herself as "a standard-issue Northern California bisexual polyamorous switch"
- Foster, Lawrence (2010). "Free Love and Community: John Humphrey Noyes and the Oneida Perfectionists." In: Donald E. Pitzer (ed.), America's Communal Utopias. Chapel Hill, NC: University of North Carolina Press, pp. 253–278.
- Stoehr, Taylor (1979). Free Love in America: A Documentary History. New York: AMS Press, Inc.
- DeMaria, Richard (1978). Communal Love at Oneida: A Perfectionist Vision of Authority, Property and Sexual Order. New York: The Edwin Mellen Press, p. 83.
- "Multiple intimate relationships: a summary of liberated Christians' views". Liberated Christians. Retrieved August 25, 2015.
- Meyer, Holly (August 29, 2017). "More than 150 evangelical religious leaders sign 'Christian manifesto' on human sexuality". USA Today. Retrieved August 30, 2017.
- "What is the Nashville Statement and why are people talking about it?". Usatoday.com. Retrieved 2017-08-31.
- Mikelionis, Lukas. "Evangelicals draw critics with 'Nashville Statement' on sexuality". Fox News. Retrieved 2017-08-31.
- "Polyamorous Jews seek acceptance". Haaretz. Jewish Telegraphic Agency. October 12, 2013. Retrieved November 21, 2014.
- Lavin, Talia (2013-10-10). "Married and dating: Polyamorous Jews share love, seek acceptance | Jewish Telegraphic Agency". Jta.org. Retrieved 2017-06-16.
- "Married and dating: Polyamorous Jews share love, seek acceptance". Jewish Telegraphic Agency.
- Hoffman, Lawrence, ed. (1997). My People's Prayer Book: The Sh'ma and its blessings. Jewish Lights Publishing. p. 69. ISBN 9781879045798.
- "Founding Family: 'Morality' versus Same-Sex Marriage".
- "UUPA website".
- "Unitarian Universalist Association: Rule II, Section C-2.3.: Non-discrimination".
- Reynolds, Daniel. "Three Gay Men Make History by Marrying in Colombia". Advocate.com. Retrieved 2017-06-16.
- Andrew Webb et al. (eds) Butterworths Guide to Family Law in New Zealand: (13th Edition): Wellington: Lexis/Nexis: 2007
- RUBY DEATON PHARR, Plaintiff, v. JOYCE W. BECK, Defendant
- Punishing Adultery in Virginia by Joanna Grossman
- First Trio "Married" in The Netherlands by Paul Belien, Brussels Journal Online
- Ewout van der Staaij. "Huwelijk wordt steeds verder opgerekt". refdag.nl.
- "Here Come the Brides". weeklystandard.com.
- Polyamory in the twenty-first century: love and intimacy with multiple partners by Deborah Anapol, 2010, pp. 181–182.
- Den Otter, Ron. "Three May Not Be a Crowd: The Case for a Constitutional Right to Plural Marriage" (PDF). Emory Law Journal. Retrieved 27 June 2015.
- McCormick, Joseph (1 May 2015). "Natalie Bennett is 'open' to polyamorous marriages and civil partnerships". PinkNews. Retrieved 20 June 2015.
- Holehouse, Matthew (1 May 2015). "Greens 'open' to three-person marriage, says Natalie Bennett". The Telegraph. Retrieved 20 June 2015.
- Ashton, Emily (1 May 2015). "The Green Party Is "Open" To Legalising Three-Way Marriages". BuzzFeed. Retrieved 20 June 2015.
- Barrett, Redfern (4 May 2015). "Comment: Why polyamorous marriages are the next step to equality". PinkNews. Retrieved 20 June 2015.
- Klesse, Christian (February 5, 2014). "Polyamory: Intimate practice, identity or sexual orientation?". Sexualities. 17 (1-2). doi:10.1177/1363460713511096.
- Cook, Elaine (2005). "Commitment in Polyamorous Relationships". Retrieved July 10, 2006.
- From PolyOz glossary: "Not in the [linguistic roots of the term] but very important is the commitment to honesty with all partners, and openly negotiated ground rules." Scm-rpg.com Archived February 27, 2009, at the Wayback Machine.
- From sexuality.org: "Two of the cultural cornerstones of the polyamory community are honesty and communication: it's expected that you and your existing long-term partner(s) will have talked over what you're comfortable with and what you aren't comfortable with, and that nobody is going around behind anyone else's back."
- Attridge, Mark (2013-02-04). "Jealousy and Relationship Closeness". SAGE Open. 3 (1): 215824401347605. doi:10.1177/2158244013476054.
- "Polyamory 101". PolyamoryOnline.
- "The Chicago School of Professional Psychology" (PDF). ego.thechicagoschool.edu. Retrieved 2015-08-30.
- "Parenting". Polyamorous Percolations. Retrieved 2 February 2015.
- Shepp v. Shepp, J-97-2004, 2006, Pennsylvania Supreme Court. The opinion stated that: the state's interest in enforcing the anti-bigamy law "is not an interest of the 'highest order'" that would trump a parent's right to tell a child about deeply held religious beliefs, and that a court may prohibit a parent from advocating religious beliefs that amount to a crime if doing so jeopardizes the child's physical or mental health or safety, or potentially creates significant social burdens, but that in this case it was not felt that discussing multiple partner relationships as a parents' preference or presenting or advocating them as desirable to the parent, was harmful.
- "Polyamorous Percolations". polyamoryonline.org.
- "Helping Your Kids Cope With Being "Different"". polyamoryonline.org.
- Divilbiss Families Case Ends, Polyamory Society.
- Christina Richards, Meg-John Barker (eds.), The Palgrave Handbook of the Psychology of Sexuality and Gender, Palgrave Macmillan, 2015, pp. 267, 247, 253.
- "Polyamory Weekly #255 (Podcast)". Retrieved January 6, 2016.
- Sheff, Elisabeth (December 17, 2013). "Jealousy and Compersion with Multiple Partners – How polys deal with jealousy and feel happy when their lover loves someone else". Psychology Today.
- Anapol, Deborah M (1998). COMPERSION: Meditation on Using Jealousy as a Path to Unconditional Love. San Rafael, CA: IntinNet Resource Center.
- "Polyamory Society Glossary". Retrieved December 26, 2006.
- Anapol, Deborah M (1997). Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits. San Rafael, CA: IntinNet Resource Center. pp. 49–64.
- Taormino, Tristan (2008). Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. San Francisco: Cleis Press, Inc.
- Easton, Dossie & Liszt, Catherine A. (1997) The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. Greenery Press: San Francisco.
- PolyOz | Compersion | Poly Terms and Concepts
- InnKeeper, Joreth. "The Inn Between".
- Haeberle, Erwin J. (1983). "Pioneers of Sex Education". The Continuum Publishing Company. Archived from the original on March 13, 2008. Retrieved February 17, 2008.
- Leberstein, Stephen (November–December 2001). "Appointment Denied: The Inquisition of Bertrand Russell". Academe. Archived from the original on October 4, 2008. Retrieved February 17, 2008.
- Helen Echlin (November 14, 2003). "When two just won't do". The Guardian. Retrieved March 27, 2007.
- Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley (ISBN 0-9767726-0-4) Straight talk about why women choose non-monogamy, 2005 Womensinfidelity.com
- Polyamory: The New Love without Limits by Deborah Anapol (ISBN 1-880789-08-6) has a chapter called "Making the transition to polyamorous relating", which deals with broken monogamous commitments from both perspectives.
- "What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory". polyamory.org.
- Moors, A. C.; Conley, T. D.; Edelstein, R. S.; Chopik, W. J. (2014). "Attached to monogamy? Avoidance predicts willingness to engage (but not actual engagement) in consensual non-monogamy". Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 32 (2): 222–240. ISSN 0265-4075. doi:10.1177/0265407514529065.
- Paper delivered to the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, Western Regional Conference, April 2002, and available online: Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 5, April 16, 2002 Ejhs.org
- 2010_poly_web.pdf What Psychotherapists Should Know About Polyamory
- Cited by Michael Shernoff, Family Process, Vol. 45 No. 4, 2006, in the context of same-sex relationships Familyprocess.org Archived April 29, 2013, at the Wayback Machine.
- Family Process, Vol. 45 No. 4, 2006, in the context of same-sex relationships Familyprocess.org Archived April 29, 2013, at the Wayback Machine.
- Kurtz, Stanley (June 5, 2006). "Polygamy Versus Democracy: You can't have both". The Weekly Standard. Archived from the original on February 19, 2007. Retrieved July 10, 2006.
- Bhatt, Ajay. "What are the advantages and disadvantages of Polygyny ?". Retrieved February 13, 2015.
- McIlhaney, J.; Bush, Freda (August 1, 2008). [See summary at http://www.lukeford.net/blog/?p=3944 Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children] Check
|url=value (help). Northfield Publishing.
- Ruskin, Karen. "Open Relationships: Partners, Threesome, Swinging, Polyamory and/or Including Any Additional Partner In Your Sexual Marital Relationship".
- Herek, Gregory M.; Douglas C. Kimmel; Hortensia Amaro; Gary B. Melton (September 1991). "Avoiding Heterosexual Bias in Psychological Research". American Psychological Association. Archived from the original on August 20, 2006. Retrieved May 6, 2012.
- Dillinger, Ray (June 8, 1997). "alt.polyamory home page". Retrieved October 9, 2007.
Parrot graphic by Ray Dillinger, placed in the public domain for use as a poly mascot.
- Helen Echlin (November 14, 2003). "When two just won't do". The Guardian. Retrieved March 27, 2007.
Today America has more than 100 poly email lists and support groups. Their emblem, which marks the table when they meet in restaurants, is the parrot (because of their nickname Polly)
- Mystic Life (December 2003) in "Spiritual Polyamory" ISBN 978-0-595-30541-4
- "Alan" (April 28, 2010). "Poly jewelry, clothing, and personal displays". Polyamory in the News!. Retrieved 26 October 2013.
- Grinberg, Emanuella (October 26, 2013). "Polyamory: When Three Isn't a Crowd". CNN Living. CNN. Retrieved November 20, 2013.
- "Jim Evans' Polyamory Pride Flag". Archived from the original on November 10, 2014.
- West, Alex. "A List of Poly Symbols... with a little bit of their history". Retrieved December 20, 2016.
- Bennett, Jessica. "Only You. And You. And You", Newsweek, July 29, 2009.
- Cook, Elaine. "Commitment in Polyamory", Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 8, December 12, 2005.
- Davidson, Joy. "Working with Polyamorous Clients in the Clinical Setting", Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 5, April 16, 2002. Also delivered to the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, Western Regional Conference, April 2002.
- Easton, Dossie, and Liszt, Catherine. 1997. The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. ISBN 1890159018.
- Emens, Elizabeth F. "Monogamy's Law: Compulsory Monogamy and Polyamorous Existence", New York University Review of Law & Social Change, Vol. 29, p. 277, 2004. Analyzes social and legal perspectives on polyamory.
- Hirako, Elise. "Historietas de Alice" <http://www.ashistorietasdealice.wordpress.com> A booklet with illustrations and stories that are themed in Alice and Anita being forms of love. July 2012
- Labriola, Kathy (2010). Love in Abundance: A Counselor's Advice on Open Relationships. Greenery Press.
- McCullough, Derek; Hall, David S. "Polyamory – What it is and what it isn't", Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 6, February 27, 2003. Reviews some of the core beliefs, perspectives, practicalities, and references in polyamory.
- Newitz, Annalee. "Love Unlimited: The Polyamorists", New Scientist, July 7, 2006.
- Penny, Laurie. "Being polyamorous shows there's no 'traditional' way to live". The Guardian. Tuesday August 20, 2013.
- Ravenscroft, Anthony. 2004. Polyamory: roadmaps for the clueless and hopeful. ISBN 1890109533.
- Strassberg, Maura I. ""The Challenge Of Post-Modern Polygamy: Considering Polyamory"" (PDF). (541 KB). Research analyzing monogamy, polygamy, polyfidelity and polyparenting and considers how polyfidelitous marriage might fit into Western culture within a Hegelian framework.
- Taormino, Tristan. 2008. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships ISBN 978-1573442954.
- Stewart, Kate. 2013. The Open Relationship Handbook ISBN 9781483501512
- Veaux, Franklin; Rickert, Eve. 2014. More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory, ISBN (paperback): 978-0-9913997-0-3, ISBN (Kindle/ePub): 978-0-9913997-2-7.
- Weitzman, Geri (2006). "Therapy with Clients Who Are Bisexual and Polyamorous". Journal of Bisexuality. 6 (1–2): 137–164. doi:10.1300/J159v06n01_08.
Polyamory-related media coverage
- Polyamory in the News (2005–present)
Research and articles
- National Coalition for Sexual Freedom Polyamory Sound Bites Includes some data on frequency of nonmonogamy and psychiatric health of the polyamorous.
- The Kenneth R. Haslam Collection on Polyamory hosted at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction includes a wide variety of materials related to polyamory, along with research data.
- Polyamory Bibliography from the Kinsey Institute.