Wikipedia:Peer review/2013 Penn State Nittany Lions football team/archive1
This peer review discussion has been closed.
This article, my pet project during the Penn State season, recently passed GA, and my long-term goal if for it to achieve FA status, and perhaps even be TFA someday, however lacking much experience with the FA process, I was hoping for some input on what it needs to get there. Thank you in advance.
Comments from EricEnfermero
Hi Go Phightins! I noticed that this had not drawn any comments yet. Keeping in mind that I have less FA experience than you and that I've never participated in PR before, here are some things I see. Obviously a great deal of research and time went into this article. As I see it, jargon is one of the big challenges for these articles at GA and FA - how to make the article read well for both the sports fan and the non-fan.
- "in wake of the Penn State..." - "in the wake of" should be more common usage
- "ultimately true freshman Christian..." - ultimately appears a few times in the article and I think it can usually be left out
- "injuries could decimate the team, while surprise performances could lift them to success" - This is probably true of any team. You might mention that a specific expert had concerns about the durability of the offensive line, quarterbacks, etc.
- "In non-conference play..." - maybe change to "Penn State opened the season with two non-conference wins..."
- "Despite the team never being ranked..." - for the non-fan, maybe a wikilink to the 2013 Div I FBS rankings entry.
- I think conference awards (Receiver of the Year, Freshman of the Year) should use caps.
- may be simpler to leave out "scholar athlete"
- can condense the next to last sentence - "A few weeks later, O'Brien accepted..."
- Can the position key be moved up a bit, as you begin using the acronyms in the previous section?
- I would consider breaking up the long first sentence under Recruits.
- It looks like the first paragraph is one sentence. The quote doesn't fit into the structure of the sentence. One approach: "Penn State finished with an 8–4 win-loss record in 2012. USA Today's Paul Myerberg said that..."
- There is a vague reference to many college football experts in that paragraph.
Game Notes - Aug. 31
- "In the lead up to the game" - I think this can be left out. I would start a new sentence at "however".
- "After pulling within 6" - this may be a little informal.
- period after Kyle Carter
- "Instead, the Lions wanted..." - take out instead
- "pushing a 42-yard field goal attempt wide right" - may be difficult for the non-fan
- "As this was Penn State's..." - multiple clauses that begin with "as" - might help to break up into shorter sentences
- "pinned UCF deep" - what about "After Penn State punted the ball deep into UCF territory, the Knights marched..."
- "THUD" tackling - I know that at least one ref uses caps, but I think they are unnecessary here.
- "Speculation exists that..." - seems vague.
- "In 2012, Archer rushed for" - the verb tenses are inconsistent in that sentence.
- "not exactly 'dazzled'" - would go with a more formal/neutral phrase unless that's a quote from someone.
- Check for more caps issues for player awards.
- After the first mention, you can refer to Hackenberg and others by last name.
- "Not surprisingly due to the rain" - maybe "The passing game faltered under the rainy conditions..." - avoids editorializing.
- I would clarify/source "perhaps the biggest of the season."
- "once again, as they had in 2012..." - they came in 2-2 again? or they were struggling defensively in the first four games again?
- Not sure about indenting the O'Brien quote at the end.
- New sentence after series. I'm not sure of the significance of hometown paper being in quotes.
- This section seems a little more detailed than the other game summaries, but it may just be that this was such as long game.
- There are instances where you say the team capitalized, took advantage, wasted no time, etc. - may be best to just describe the drives objectively. These phrases are common in sports coverage, but I think you might run into resistance at FA that they may be unencyclopedic. This is something that could be evaluated throughout the article.
- "The four overtimes was..." - The four-overtime game was the longest...
- focused (or forms of the word) - appears several times in the section. "instead focusing on conditioning" may be best left out.
- some repetitive word usage - tandem, citing, noting
- "Keys to the game..." - inconsistent verb tenses in this sentence
- "Coming of a shellacking..." - change to coming off, or omit since you've covered the previous week's game
- Who concurred with Hull specifically?
- "Sam Ficken uncharacteristically" - can leave out uncharacteristically because of what you say after that.
- The quote near the end makes the sentence sound a little odd.
- "running game supposedly led by Bill Belton" - clarify, WP:WTW
- "however an illegal block in the back on Jesse James" - this comes up a few times in the article. Generally a however should go at the beginning or the end of a sentence rather than the middle. Sometimes "but" would be a simpler word for some of these.
- "There was no scoring in the third quarter..." - overly long sentence
- "Though expected to beat an overmatched Purdue squad..." - overly long sentence
- receiving corps - might go with wide receivers instead
- "Purdue's coach Darrell Hazell..." - long sentence
- "including one Penn State who joked" - missing word, probably player
- "According to York Daily Record..." - I think we're missing a period in this sentence.
- "Offensively, Penn State's passing game was plagued by dropped passes..." - seems redundant
- "same aforementioned preview" - can get rid of either same or aforementioned, or maybe both
- Seems like a lot of sports lingo in this section, like between the tackles and bubble screen. Wikilinks to some of these may help, as will either more explanation or maybe less detail.
- "In the game, Penn State sent its seniors off..." - this seems redundant to the previous paragraph.
- "McWhorter, who was 63-years old..." - no hyphen
- Pennsylvania-native - same thing
- "in the ensuing days" - two uses of this phrase in close proximity
Again, good job! I think the success of the article will depend largely on controlling the use of jargon and any assertions that seem non-neutral. Clearly, a great deal of work has gone into this one and it's something that you can already be proud of. EricEnfermero HOWDY! 22:39, 11 February 2014 (UTC)