Wikipedia:Peer review/Cato June/archive1
This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it seems to be well developed enough to have FA potential. I hope to nominate in the fall.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 18:42, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
comment by doncram Looks good. You have a wide range of expertise! "Redshirt" used four times in this passage: "He became a starter toward the end of his redshirt freshman year, but missed the entire redshirt sophomore season due to injury. He returned as a starter as a redshirt junior and started as a safety until an injury slowed him down late in his redshirt senior season." But, the link to redshirt explains that a college athlete can have one "redshirt" year, not four, does not define terms like "redshirt junior", whcih I don't understand. doncram (talk) 03:39, 15 September 2009 (UTC)
- Once you redshirt for a year your academic progress and athletic eligibility will not mesh. In college athletics Redshirt as an adjective means that although academically you may have a different classification, you are athletically that term. Thus a redshirt freshman may be a sophomore or junior in his classes. A redshirt junior may be a senior or a graduate student. How would you suggest that the text be changed.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 05:28, 15 September 2009 (UTC)
- Okay, i will base my suggestion on what I see now is stated in the redshirt (college sports) article: "The term redshirt freshman indicates an academic sophomore (second-year student) who is in the first season of athletic eligibility. A redshirt freshman is distinguished from a true freshman (first-year student) as one who has practiced with the team for the prior season. The term redshirt sophomore is also commonly used to indicate an academic junior (third-year student) who is in the second season of athletic eligibility. After the sophomore year the term redshirt is rarely used, instead the terms fourth year junior and fifth year senior are more common." Then I suggest rewording your passage to "He became a starter toward the end of his redshirt freshman year, but missed the entire next year due to injury. He returned as a starter as a fourth year junior and started as a safety until an injury slowed him down late in his fifth year senior season." doncram (talk) 18:21, 15 September 2009 (UTC)
Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive and generally reads well. Most of my suggestions have to do with relatively minor prose and style issues. It's hard to write in depth about a sport without using the jargon of the game, and that's true of soccer and baseball and other sports as well as football. I've noted a few places where I think a non-football fan might get lost; I think this can generally be fixed by re-wording or by adding a brief explanation or, if that's too clumsy to embed in the text, a footnote.
- I think "and" is preferred to the ampersand in "track and field".
- "June and Marjani Dele, his divorced mother, moved to the northwest section of Washington D.C. as a sophomore in 1995." - This slowed me down because at first I thought it meant that Marjani Dele was a sophomore. Maybe "When June was a sophomore, he and Marjani Dele, his divorced mother... "?
- "Following the move, she enrolled him in a summer in a college prep program... " - Delete second "in a"?
- "Washington, D.C." needs a comma in this section and elsewhere in the article. When it or other city-state combinations occur in the middle of a sentence, they also need a trailing comma after the state. Example: "moved to the northwest section of Washington, D.C., as a sophomore...".
- "By mid-season he was being mentioned across the country as the nations best player." - Possessive: nation's best player.
- "Entering the championship game, no one had caught a touchdown against him and he had not fumbled the football." - Dangling modifier. Suggestion: "Before the championship game, no one had caught... ".
- O.K., but I used "Prior to" instead of "Before"
- "of his 27 tackles in a 24–17 victory at Michigan Stadium in the rivalry game against Ohio State on Nov. 20, 1999" - Spell out November.
- "Before returning to football, he was involved in a public altercation in Spring 2001. - Lowercase "spring". Also, what kind of altercation? Did it affect his football career in any way?
- "A collision on October 26 in a game with Iowa halted play for ten minutes while June received medical attention after leaving the game on a stretcher with movement in his extremities." - That last phrase might sound odd to readers who don't know football. Perhaps deleting "with movement in his extremities" would solve the problem.
- "he played in two plays during the subsequent Michigan-Minnesota Little Brown Jug game on November 9. June was healthy in time to play full time... - Repetition of "play".
- "June was listed as a starter when the Colts got to minicamp" - Should "minicamp" be linked or briefly explained?
- "Manning took a knee instead." - Should this jargon be briefly explained?
- "Coach Dungy's scheme is designed so that the weakside linebacker is the play-making position... " - This, too, might seem inscrutable to an outsider.
- "When the 2006 Colts started training camp, June's health caused the team to limited him to one practice session per day." - "Limit" rather than "limited"?
- "In week 5 of the season, June recorded 9–tackles as the Colts improved" - Delete en dash. Ditto for the en dash in 15–tackles.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- "The contract was believed to be a three-year $12 million agreement... ". - Combinations like $12 million need an nbsp to hold them together on line break. Ditto for $17 million and any similar instances.
- "June also expected defenses to run at him because at 6-foot (1.8 m), 227-pound (103 kg) he was small... " - "feet" and "pounds", no hyphens
- "In his first game as a Buccaneer, he did not play on many passing downs, which was somewhat of a controversy in the press after the opening... " - Suggestion: "which caused something of a controversy".
- "Brooks, who was charged with having lost a step... " - Jargon may need explaining.
- "claimed that the defense was back up to snuff with the change... " - Slang.
- "divided up time at linebacker during nickel coverage" - Jargon, "nickel coverage", may need an explanation.
- The dabfinder tool that lives here finds several wikilinks that go to disambiguation pages rather than their intended targets.
- The alt viewer that lives here doesn't show any alt text for the lead image. I tried adjusting the syntax to image_alt=, but that didn't fix the problem. I'm not sure what the problem is, probably a syntax error that I'm just blind to at the moment.
- Citation 21 has a dead url. The link checker tool that lives here was having trouble connecting to quite a few others. The connection problem was probably transient, but you might want to use the tool later to make sure.
I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 20:45, 18 September 2009 (UTC)