Wikipedia:Peer review/Ulysses S. Grant/archive2

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Ulysses S. Grant[edit]

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I've listed this article for peer review because it's undergone major revisions, and I'd be interested in another editor's suggestions for further improvements.

Thanks, Coemgenus (talk) 19:51, 3 November 2013 (UTC)

Hi there - great, solid article, but for me the lead is a little heavy ... hard to read and a little off-putting. I think it may be too biographically detailed about some not very notable things? - it is a little longer for example than the Abe Lincoln lead, and these two Presidents don't have equal historical interest. Could it be trimmed down to highlight the important elements of his political contribution and be much briefer on his career and personal achievements and struggles etc? The interested reader can then go into the article for more detail. Good luck and good job though overall! Depthdiver (talk) 04:10, 6 November 2013 (UTC)

Thanks for undertaking the peer review of such a massive article. As to the lead: I agree! Way too long. I'll work on some condensing and trimming today. --Coemgenus (talk) 12:46, 6 November 2013 (UTC)

Hi again, doing a closer read now ... caught and fixed a few typos - and have some minor points ... Early life and family: this phrase which needs some tweaking -'Grant later recalled that his departure from West Point was of the happiest of his times,'

Military career - ' At the latter battle, Grant dragged a howitzer' - what is that? Sentence needs tweaking - "In his memoirs, indicating he had learned extensively by closely observing the decisions and actions of his commanding officers, particularly admiring Taylor's methods, and in retrospect identified himself with Taylor's style.'

Civilian life: Logic of this sentence is unclear: 'Although unopposed to slavery at the time, Grant kept his political opinions private and never endorsed any candidate running for public office before the Civil War.' Depthdiver (talk) 06:56, 7 November 2013 (UTC)

These should be fixed now. --Coemgenus (talk) 12:45, 8 November 2013 (UTC)
Beyond those sentences, is there anything else that you think needs improvement? --Coemgenus (talk) 13:28, 14 November 2013 (UTC)
Hi there - sorry got caught up in other stuff - will get back and review the rest Depthdiver (talk) 22:09, 17 November 2013 (UTC)
Just to say quickly, the lead reads well now to me - strong and interesting. Depthdiver (talk) 22:17, 17 November 2013 (UTC)

Article is looking good I'm not finding anymore typos or expression lapses - so just a couple of thoughts - 1. Is there a main article about Lincoln's assassination, and if so can it be linked?

2. I would love each main section not to assume that the reader is reading sequentially - for me, main sections need some intro sentences for the reader who has jumped straight there from the contents box E.g.

Section 1868 presidential campaign begins with 'Grant's abandonment of Johnson in the Stanton matter increased his popularity with the Radical Republicans.' - it needs something like 'The 1868 presidential campaign for Grant was shaped by his abandonment of etc etc
And Section: Presidency 1869–1877 begins with 'Breaking a long tradition, Johnson declined to ride in Grant's carriage or attend Grant's inauguration at the Capitol' instead perhaps something like: 'Grant's presidency began with the former president Johnson breaking a long tradition etc etc' ...

Hope that's helpful - Cheers, Depthdiver (talk) 02:31, 18 November 2013 (UTC)

That's a good point, I hadn't considered someone reading it non-sequentially. I've fixed the specific examples you gave, and I'll keep an eye out for others. I linked Lincoln's assassination, too. --Coemgenus (talk) 17:37, 18 November 2013 (UTC)

Suggestions generated by an automatic JavaScript program[edit]

Suggestions generated by an automatic JavaScript program, and might not be applicable for the article in question.

  • When writing standard abbreviations, the abbreviations should not have a 's' to demark plurality (for example, change kms to km and lbs to lb).
  • Per Wikipedia:Manual of Style (headings), avoid using special characters (ex: &+{}[]) in headings.
  • Per WP:WIAFA, this article's table of contents (ToC) may be too long – consider shrinking it down by merging short sections or using a proper system of daughter pages as per Wikipedia:Summary style.[?]
  • There are a few occurrences of weasel words in this article- please observe WP:AWT. Certain phrases should specify exactly who supports, considers, believes, etc., such a view.
    • allege
    • apparently
    • might be weasel words, and should be provided with proper citations (if they already do, or are not weasel terms, please strike this comment).[?]
  • Please ensure that the article has gone through a thorough copyediting so that it exemplifies some of Wikipedia's best work. See also User:Tony1/How to satisfy Criterion 1a.[?]

You may wish to browse through User:AndyZ/Suggestions for further ideas.

-(tJosve05a (c) 02:51, 24 November 2013 (UTC)

A few comments, not a complete review: - Dank (push to talk)

  • "as military commander in": as commander of the Union Army in (and then you can make do without "Under Grant, the Union Army defeated the Confederate military", if you move "Confederate military")
  • "the war, and secession": chronological order would be better
  • "vestiges of Confederate nationalism and slavery": Neither of those institutions were "vestigial" after the war, except in an unfortunate figurative sense ... some say that we continue to re-fight the Civil War every 4 years at the ballot box :)
  • "During his second term the country's economy was devastated by the Panic of 1873 while investigations exposed corruption scandals in the administration." The two most common meanings for "while" are "during which time" and "whereas", and my guess is that neither meaning is precisely what you want here, so I'd go with "and".
  • "The conservative white Southerners": Not awful, but stylists generally express this preference: avoid "the" if you haven't mentioned the noun (or noun phrase) before, and it's not a proper noun or a noun that usually requires a "the". - Dank (push to talk) 13:30, 4 December 2013 (UTC)