Wikipedia:Peer review/William Henry Powell (soldier)/archive1

William Henry Powell (soldier)

I've listed this article for peer review because I hope to upgrade it to Good Article.

Thanks, TwoScars (talk) 20:24, 22 September 2017 (UTC)

Comments by Eddie891

• "and South Wales is part of the United Kingdom." Is this really necessary? I feel stating that is like saying "And California is part of the United States."
• "his vision in his right eye" I find the repetition of 'his' unnecessary, perhaps say "vision in his right eye"
• I feel that saying "(loyal)" is unnecessary. You have no idea who the loyalty is towards, and can assume/infer that someone raising a Calvary, first being refuted by the union in Ohio, that they will not go to the confederates.

"Loyal" means loyal to the Union. There was also a Confederate 2nd Virginia Cavalry—and we do not want to get the two regiments confused. According to Sutton, the regiment was "mustered into the service of the United States as the Second Regiment of Loyal Virginia Cavalry"—that is on page 48 of a book by a soldier who served in the regiment. So you are saying that using regiment's original name, which happens to also differentiate it from the Confederate 2nd Virginia Cavalry, is unnecessary? TwoScars (talk) 20:42, 1 October 2017 (UTC)

Found your issue. Changing "The regiment's application was accepted by the (loyal) provisional governor of Virginia, Francis Harrison Pierpont...." to "The regiment's application was accepted by the provisional governor of the Restored Government of Virginia, Francis Harrison Pierpont...." TwoScars (talk) 16:38, 5 October 2017 (UTC)

• "in the southwestern portion of the present West Virginia" The second "The" is unnecessary.

Fixed. TwoScars (talk) 20:42, 1 October 2017 (UTC)

• "The advance guard consisted of Powell's old Company B, led by Major Powell himself." If he is leading it, how is it his "old" company? I feel that "Himself" is really unnecessary, as it is pretty self-evident.

Dropped "himself". At the time, each company was led by a captain (unless attrition forced a lieutenant to command), and majors were not assigned to any particular company—they would often lead battalions or groups of companies. In this case, Powell was leading only one company, and it happened to the company that he was captain of until his promotion. I changed the sentence to say "Powell led the advance guard, which happened to be Powell's company (Company B) before his promotion to major." TwoScars (talk) 20:42, 1 October 2017 (UTC)

• "See also: Wytheville Raid" wouldn't Main Article be more apt?
• "that totaled to slightly over 800 men" I feel "That totaled" is unnecessary. I think it would be fine with "of just over 800 men."

Changed to Powell was second in command of a small 800-man brigade of cavalry and mounted infantry. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• "One of the main causes for his predicament was the burning of a house and barn near Lewisburg, West Virginia." Why is that a cause for his predicament? Wouldn't the cause just be him fighting against the south?

Added sentence "The Confederate army and Lewisburg community did not consider that act justified or having any military purpose." after the sentence about his predicament. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• I had no idea what brace meant, and figure that most people won't either.

Plan to change the reference to a footnote that includes the reference and explains the term brace. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

Fixed with a footnote that also defines brace. TwoScars (talk) 17:16, 17 October 2017 (UTC)

• "recognizance"? did you mean reconnaissance?

To be fixed. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

Fixed. TwoScars (talk) 17:16, 17 October 2017 (UTC)

• "a local slave led" presumably the slave would have been freed by then

Excellent thought. Although Lincoln had issued the Emancipation Proclamation, the south did not recognize it, and slaves in West Virginia were not immediately freed. I plan to add a note about that. See History of slavery in West Virginia. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• "He also had all of Chancellor's property destroyed or driven away: house, barn, forage, and livestock." Perhaps rephrase.

Changed to "In addition, Powell had Chancellor's house, barn, and livestock destroyed." TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• " and the feeling was mutual" is that necessary?

Dropped the "feeling was mutual". TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• "Animosity with Confederacy" I know this section needs to repeat information, but it seems to be almost excessive to me.

Shortened the lead a bit. I wanted to present both sides here. The war in West Virginia and the Shenandoah (including Powell) was at times not so civil. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• "In summary," In summary, that phrase is unnecessary.

Dropped the "In summary". TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• The "Post war" seems disproportionately short

Will try to get more information. It is difficult to find. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• " He was buried" I suggest saying is rather than was, unless he is not still buried there

""Changed to is. TwoScars (talk) 17:16, 17 October 2017 (UTC)

• unnecessary quotation marks throughout such as "battle of Front Royal"

Feel like quotes are necessary here, since the source says battle of Front Royal, but Powell was not within 100 miles of the Battle of Front Royal. He led his division in a small battle at Nineveh, which is near Front Royal, a year or two later. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• Suggest reviewing use of "see also" above "main article"
• Suggest generally adding a few more years in new sections

Assuming you mean in the post war section—will try to find more info. TwoScars (talk) 23:36, 15 October 2017 (UTC)

• All in all a very good article.

That's it. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 19:53, 8 October 2017 (UTC)

Agree that they both were awkward. Made changes. Appreciate the comments, and look forward to more. TwoScars (talk) 23:57, 23 September 2017 (UTC)

Comments

• Suggest reviewing linking throughout

Will do. TwoScars (talk) 23:57, 23 September 2017 (UTC)

• External links should be the final section

Moved TwoScars (talk) 23:57, 23 September 2017 (UTC)

• Don't italicize quotations

Fixed TwoScars (talk) 23:57, 23 September 2017 (UTC)

• How many children did he have and with which wife? Nikkimaria (talk) 16:14, 23 September 2017 (UTC)

Will fix. Three alive when he died, possibly two more died earlier. TwoScars (talk) 23:57, 23 September 2017 (UTC)

Thanks for your help. TwoScars (talk) 23:57, 23 September 2017 (UTC)

Comments

• "At the time, the community was part of Monmouthshire." Do we need to know this?
• Some examples of overlinking include Monmouthshire (assuming that that statement is indeed relevant to the topic), United States, general manager, President of the United States.
• "Crook's brigade normally operated apart from Cox." Better to say that the brigade operated independently from the division?
• Maybe I'm just a lazy reader, but when I read "Shortly after this engagement, Colonel Bolles resigned..." I thought "who's Bolles?". He is, of course, introduced in the previous para, but maybe "...Colonel Bolles resigned his command of the battalion..." would help?
• In section "Sinking Creek raid", sentence "...Colonel Paxton commanded Powell's regiment, the 2nd Loyal Virginia Cavalry", the article to this point discusses pretty much the 2nd Loyal Virginia Cavalry, so do we need to restate it here?
• In section "Hunter's Lynchburg Campaign", sentence "Powell was surprised to find out that the army (which had an ammunition shortage) was in full retreat...". The previous sentence says that "...additional rebel troops were arriving...", so its not immediately clear which army was in full retreat. Maybe worth saying "...that the Union army...was in full retreat..."?
• In section "Division commander", last sentence of the 2nd para "Present and absent men totaled to 276 commissioned officers and 6,950 enlisted men." is odd. It begs the question of why so many men were absent. Also, if they were absent, how is this information relevent? Maybe explain a bit more or remove?
• I believe the standard is to alternate images right then left from the first image after the lead.
• I find the choice of section organising to be a bit odd. There are 2 section titles that begin "American Civil War...", and the next is simply "Division commander", which implies that it's not part of the war. Maybe a better structure would be a top level "American Civil War" with "Western Virginia", "Shenandoah Valley" and "Division commander" as sub-sections?
• Not sure what the standard is for GAN, but you might want to see about getting a copy-edit for the article. I see minor issues with punctuation and grammar, for example:
  • "He began as a captain, and quickly ascended to higher roles in the cavalry, including commanding a regiment, brigade, and division." does not, I believe, need a comma after captain. This sentence might also be read that he simultaneously commanded a regiment, brigade and division - it might be better written as "at various times commanding...".
  • Although you generally use a serial comma, there are cases, such as "Structures such as barns, mills and tanneries were destroyed." in the "Division commander" section where you don't.
  • It looks like you also often put a comma before "and" in dependent clauses that should not have a comma, examples being "In 1846, he was involved in an accident at the nail iron works, and lost vision in his right eye", (last comma is unnecessary) "Crook's brigade ambushed Heth's force in Lewisburg, killing or wounding over 150 enemy soldiers, and capturing over 150", (last comma is unnecessary) and "The cavalry pursued the fleeing rebels, and stopped only when a bridge was destroyed".
  • Another thing that jumped out at me occasionally was short, staccato sentencing, for example, "The women hid Powell in a hotel." might be better worked into the preceding sentence, and "After leaving the military, Powell returned to the iron and nail business. He became general manager of the Ironton Rolling Mill in Ironton, Ohio." might read better as a single sentence by replacing ". He became..." with ", becoming...".

Interesting article, and great work. Wish you every success at GAN. FactotEm (talk) 11:47, 15 November 2017 (UTC)