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Comments[edit]

Comments from Cassianto

  • You need to be consistent as to whether you refer to him as "Harland" or "Sanders" unless the use compromises a person who shares either of the names. I'm looking at the first section in particular.
"By branding himself as "Colonel Sanders", Harland became..." reads better than "By branding himself as "Colonel Sanders", Sanders became...", but I have no changed it to read: "By branding himself as "Colonel Sanders", the founder became..." Tom (talk) 13:23, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I will give you some examples:
  • "Harland Sanders was born in 1890 and raised on a farm outside Henryville, Indiana.[5] When Harland was five..." The latter name can be comfortably swapped to a pronoun as we only speak of Harland Sanders beforehand.
  • "As the eldest son, Harland..." – Sanders, not Harland as the surname is more encyclopaedic.
From there on in, you correctly refer to him as Sanders. Cassiantotalk 18:19, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Done.Tom (talk) 18:28, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • What's the difference between a "company-wide slogan" and a "company slogan"? I would bet not much, thus you could omit the "wide".
It's there because it emphasises that the slogan is to be adopted across all KFCs worldwide, not just in some areas. Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"the slogan is to be adopted across all KFCs worldwide" – is that not the entire company then? Cassiantotalk 18:19, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Done.Tom (talk) 18:28, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • In the interests of overlinking, would it be reasonable to assume most would know what "$" stands for?
Done. Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Dave Thomas was a franchisee from the mid-1950s, and he developed the rotating bucket..." – redundant use of "he".
Done.Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "In 1960, Sanders moved the company headquarters to Shelbyville, Kentucky, so he could distribute his spices, pressure cookers, take-out cartons and advertising material more easily." -- why would moving to this state increase the distribution?
Done. Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • Do we really need to link lawyer?
"Lawyer" links to John Y Brown Sr, not a description of what a lawyer is. Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Then why not link to him rather than lawyer? You are otherwise forcing a link. The idea is to prevent your reader from leaving the page, not forcing them off it. Cassiantotalk 18:19, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Done.Tom (talk) 18:28, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Embarrassingly for the company..." – POV
Clarified. Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "The company..." – New para, new name.
Done.Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "...until his qualms were addressed." Qualms is a bit un-encyclopaedic IMO.
"Issues" sounds more personal. "Misgivings" sounds more subjective. Any other synonyms you'd prefer? Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
When I see "qualms" I think of him feeling nauseous. I doubt he was. What were his qualms? Cassiantotalk 18:19, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Done.Tom (talk) 18:28, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • We introduce Dave Thomas as "Regional manager Dave Thomas" on his second mention, but don't introduce him upon his first mention a few paras up.
He wasn't regional manager when he is first introduced. In the first instance he is introduced as a franchisee, which is what he was at the time. Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Then I would make clear that he was newly promoted to avoid confusion. Cassiantotalk 18:19, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Done.Tom (talk) 18:28, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Once too large for Harland Sanders to manage..." -- You don't need Sanders full name.
Done. Tom (talk) 13:21, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • I am finding that these modern-day currency exchanges are ruining the flow of the prose. Could they be footnoted?
  • "In 1989, first quarter sales at KFC rose 30 percent to US$280 million. In July 1989..." 1989 does not need to be given twice in such a quick succession.
Done.Tom (talk) 18:30, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Up to here, more to come. Cassiantotalk 09:57, 11 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Would you mind striking the issues that you feel have been addressed? It makes for easier reading and lets me know that you're satisfied that the edits have been effected successfully. I'd do it myself but some Wikipedians take issue with other people striking their comments. Tom (talk) 18:32, 12 May 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Far too fiddly for me to do I'm afraid; you have my permission to do this where things have been clearly resolved. Another, more tidier way is to move the comments to the talk page and keep the supports here. This makes things a lot easier for the delegates to read when they come to closing. Otherwise, they would have to trawl through mountains of monotonous text and count them up, where some are liable to get missed. Crisco 1492 does this and I nlw shamelessly copy him. I have now done this on my last two FAC's, the latest of which is here. Up to you of course.
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