Margical History Tour

"Margical History Tour"
The Simpsons episode
File:FABF06.jpg
Episode no.	Season 15
Directed by	Mike B. Anderson
Written by	Brian Kelley
Original air dates	January 25, 2004
Episode features
Chalkboard gag	None
Couch gag	The family bakes in a giant microwave.

"Margical History Tour" is the eleventh episode of The Simpsons' fifteenth season. The episode aired on February 8, 2004.

Synopsis

Marge takes Bart, Lisa, and Milhouse to the library to find books for their school reports, only to find no books on the shelves. The books have been replaced by pamphlets and instruction manuals, and it's full of homeless people (and Homer) sleeping. In lieu of books, Marge tells the kids some history tales. She starts off with Milhouse's book report on Henry VIII.

Henry VIII

In this version of the Henry VIII story, Homer is King Henry VIII, in search of a woman who can bear him a son. He is an absolute glutton and womaniser. Unhappy that his wife Margerine of Aragon has borne him a daughter, Mary (Lisa), he wants to divorce her. He can't have her executed as she is the daughter of the King of Spain. They go to a counsellor (Dr. Hibbert) and ask him his opinions on divorce. Through a little coercion, he advises Henry to speak to the Lord Chancellor, Sir Thomas More (Flanders). Sir Thomas tells Henry that the church and their religion won't allow him to divorce his wife. Henry declares that he will start his own religion. Sir Thomas tries to reason with the adamant King, who finally seems to relent and then informs Sir Thomas that since he stuck to his principles, he will be canonized. And so he is, except Henry's definition is a bit different, as Sir Thomas More is fired out of a cannon, over a cliff. Mary tries to persuade him to let a female be the heir, but when he wonders if he can "canonize" her as well, she takes off.

Henry then banishes Margerine and marries Anne Boleyn (Lindsay Naegle). They consummate their marriage then and there. Nine months later, Anne tearfully apologises to Henry for having borne a girl child. He tells her to think nothing of it and we see that she is already set up on the chopping block, with Wiggum as the executioner. She is executed and Henry moves on to the next wife, Jane Seymour. However, during the wedding, Henry hears that she has an annoying, high-pitched voice, and she is next on the chopping block. (Look at Trivia below for the historical accurancy of this) Many more executions follow, including those of Otto (who was mistaken for a woman), Sarah Wiggum, Agnes Skinner (although she has already borne 10 sons) and others. When Moe comes to Henry to tell him that they have run out of pikes on which to stick the heads, he has him executed as well. But it turns out he was right and his head can't be piked.

Finally, after many years and executions, Henry is old and sick, lying on his bed, with Margerine by his side. He asks for her forgiveness for having locked her up in a dungeon and asks her to be his queen again. She accepts tenderly and then offers to fluff his pillow and then smothers him to death with it, saying that she will see him in hell.

Lewis and Clark and Sacagawea

At the end of the story, Milhouse is happy with all the material he got and leaves. But on his way out, he is tripped by Nelson, who steals his book report. Marge asks Lisa what her report is on. Lisa wants to do one on Sacagawea. So starts Marge's version. Lewis (Lenny) and Clark (Carl) are assigned to explore the West by President Thomas Jefferson (Mayor Quimby). They meet a tribe of Native Americans led by Homer. The explorers "welcome" them to the United States of America and give them a little flag. Homer then offers them the guidance of his daughter, Sacagawea (Lisa), which translates to "little know-it-all who won't shut her maize hole". She is married to a French fur trapper, Charbonneau (played by Milhouse), and is not very happy with that arrangement. They set off, headed for the Pacific. Sacagawea gives them many tips on how to survive the land, including how to scare a mountain lion (by making yourself appear bigger than it). They are attacked by a group of Native Americans, led by Bart, who wants to scalp someone. Charbonneau introduces himself as his brother-in-law and reminds him about when he killed all of the tribe's buffalo. Bart is happy to have someone to scalp (and decapitate).

Sacagewea starts to get fed up with Lewis and Clark's antics and stupidity. They have a compass, with a painted-on needle; they visualise a mud puddle to be the Pacific; and they even think about having mermaid (salmon) sex in the river. Finally, she leaves them and sets off back home. She decides to rest on a rock - a nice, soft, furry rock, which just happens to be a mountain lion. The lion tries to attack her, but she is saved by Lewis and Clark, who run out spreading their coats about them, making themselves look bigger. The mountain lion flees and Sacagawea is saved. She is happy that they actually were listening to her. The party arrives at the Pacific Ocean and a heavy downpour begins, prompting Lewis and Clark to name the rain-soaked place Eugene, Oregon.

Mozart and Salieri

Bart is up next. He doesn't seem too excited about having to do a book report. But Marge convinces him with a story of a bad-ass musician, who lived dangerously and died young. She gets his attention and starts the next story.

In a parody of the movie Amadeus, Bart is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lisa is Antonio Salieri. Mozart is a big hit in Vienna, playing a sonata on a grand piano as if he were playing at a rock concert. After the concert, his father Leopold (Homer) congratulates him and advises him to start merchandising. Salieri asks to be allowed to lead the next time, but Homer will have none of it. Later, as Salieri practises on her small piano, Mozart comes and starts teasing her. At a Music Awards function (hosted by Austria's own Rainer Wolfcastle), Mozart wins the best composer award, making Salieri's envy reach a boiling point.

Fops and dandies gather to watch Mozart's next opera, "The Musical Fruit" (parody of "The Magic Flute"). Sitting in the balcony is the Emperor (Montgomery Burns). Salieri wonders why there are so many spectators. Leopold replies that it is because the Emperor is there and people follow him everywhere. Salieri gets an idea and serves the Emperor free wine, spiked with a sleeping potion. The opera seems to be going pretty well, but that all changes when the audience hears the Emperor snoozing away. Immediately, everyone starts to dislike the opera. People even fake falling asleep. Mozart is shocked that his work is a flop.

This leads to Mozart's decline. He starts to drink and gets caught in the rain. He develops a high fever and becomes very ill. Salieri calls in "the best doctor in all of Vienna", Dr. Nick, who uses leech therapy on Mozart, which, obviously, doesn't work. Soon, Mozart is dying and his family gathers around him. Leopold is inconsolable, considering he won't be able to live without Mozart's income. Salieri feels a bit guilty about her hand in all this, saying she only wanted to ruin his life, not kill him. Mozart confesses that he thought highly of Salieri's work, believing that it would be remembered more than his, but with his youthful death, both he and his music will be immortalised forever. He then dies, after shouting, "Eat my pantaloons!" Leopold runs out into the street and mourns Mozart's death, but starts peddling death masks taken from Mozart.

The next day, Salieri goes to the Emperor's court to play to submit her work, "Requiem", in tribute to her "beloved" brother, Mozart. She is delighted, now that Mozart is no more. However, the Emperor's aide (Waylon Smithers) tells her that he is listening to another young musician's composition. She takes a peek and sees Beethoven (Nelson) playing for the Emperor (the famous Ode to Joy from the Ninth Symphony, accompanied by a variation of Nelson's characteristic laughter to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth), who enjoys the music so much that he declares all other music obsolete. Angry beyond all belief, Salieri dumps her composition and walks out in a daze, eyes twitching. She hails a carriage to the mental asylum, gets in and laughs hysterically as the carriage draws away.

Lisa realizes that Marge's telling of the lives of Mozart and Salieri is not the real version, noting that Mozart and Salieri had better relations in their time, and says that the story is based on the movie Amadeus. This spurs Homer on to realize that Tom Hulce, who starred in Amadeus, also starred in National Lampoon's Animal House. He begins singing a horribly incorrect version of the Animal House theme song, which carries on through the "whatever happened to..." clips about the main characters (see below) and the credits.

Trivia

• This is one of several Simpsons episodes that features three "mini-stories." Others include Tales from the Public Domain, Simpsons Bible Stories (which actually features four "mini-stories"), Simpsons Tall Tales, The Wettest Stories Ever Told, The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase and the Treehouse of Horror episodes.
• Contrary to this episode, Henry VIII only beheaded two of his six wives, Anne Boleyn and her cousin, Catherine Howard.
• None of these mini-episodes (especially the Henry VIII episode) are historically accurate. This is actually brought up at one point by Lisa.
• The line by an Austrian Dr. Nick is grammatically incorrect. He says "Guten tag, everybody!", German for "good day". When he said it, it appeared to be night. One possible reason could be because most Americans just think of it as "Hello".
• Bart's opera, The Magical Fruit, is and obvious parody of The Magic Flute, which was written by Mozart.
• Chief Homer mistakenly calls Clark "Carl".

Cultural references

• The title is a take off of the album and song "Magical Mystery Tour" by The Beatles.
• The books seen in the library are "Everyone Poops: The Movie", "Yu-Gi-Oh! Price Guides", and "Itchy & Scratchy Books on Tape". "Everyone Poops" is a Japanese childrens' book that says that there is nothing wrong with pooping because it's natural for humans and animals. "Yu-Gi-Oh! Price Guides" is a gag on how much cards in the Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Card Game are worth.

Quotes

• Lisa (looking around at book shelves): "Everybody Poops: The Video"? "Yu-Gi-Oh Price Guides"? There are hardly any books here at all!
  Milhouse: But Krabappel wants a paper on Henry VIII and I have to score a pumpkin sticker or better on it.
• Homer/Henry VIII: (singing to the tune of "I'm Henery the Eighth, I Am" and taking large bites of food between each stanza) I'm Henry the Eighth, I am. Henry the Eighth, I am, I am. I've been eating since 6 am, for dessert I'll have dinner again. My name's synonymous with gluttony, I'll always eat a turkey or a ham -
  Marge/Margarin of Aragon: Stop singing that song! We all know who you are!
  Sideshow Mel: Her Majesty, Margarine of Aragon!
  Homer/Henry VIII: What’re you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt.
  Marge/Margerine of Aragon: Your Majesty, I know you want a son, but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court?
  Court: (laughing)
  Dr Nick: As the royal physician, it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.
  Marge/Margerine of Aragon: Hrrrmm…
• Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: (to Homer/Henry VIII) Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-athic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
  Homer/Henry VIII: I'll start my own church!
  Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Whaaaaaaaa!?
  Homer/Henry VIII: Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
  Ned Flanders/Sir Thomas More: Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
  Homer/Henry VIII: Hmm, I understand. And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you.
  (Cut to tower roof, with Ned/More shoved in a cannon. Homer gives thumbs-up to cannoneer, and the fuse is lit)
  Ned/More: I can see my houuuuuuuuuuuuuse!
• Bishop Lovejoy: And by the power vested in me, (points to Homer/Henry) by you just now, I pronounce you King and Trophy Queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank, and the Holy Harry, amen...Henry.
• Marge/Margerine of Aragon: Sweetie, sometimes a mommy and a daddy decide to live apart. It's not your fault. It's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything.
  Homer/Henry VIII: So grow a penis or get lost.
  Lisa/Mary: (grunts and struggles) I can't.
  Homer/Henry VIII: Bye-bye!
  Lisa/Mary: But why can't your heir be female or why can't we elect our leaders?
  Homer/Henry VIII: (rubbing his chin) I wonder if I can cannonize a child...
  Lisa/Mary: Leaving!
• Homer/Henry VIII (to Jane Seymour): Hey, baby. How'd you like to be queen for a day? (winks to Executioner Wiggum)
  Executioner Wiggum: Heh! It's funny, 'cause you're king.
• Lindsey Nagle/Anne Boleyn: Henry, I am ever so sorry I bore you a daughter.
  Homer/Henry VIII: Oh, Anne. I'll love her as much as I love you.
  (the camera pulls out revealing a crowd at the Tower of London waiting for the execution)
  Executioner Wiggum (to Lindsey/Anne): Your head lives for five seconds afterwards. So I put a magazine in the basket. (swings his axe and beheads Lindsey/Anne)
  Lindsey/Anne's head (not seen; in basket): Oh, my horoscope. "Today, you will welcome great changes into your life". Wrong! (dies)
• Homer/Henry VIII (as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half): No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
  Pasty-Faced Lawyer: You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
  (Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon)
  Marge/Margerine of Aragon (groans): I get Ireland?
  Homer/Henry VIII: Ha ha!
• Homer/Henry VIII: (in his sleep) Must sire a dude. Must sire a dude.
  (a thought bubble appears with Bart inside dressed in prince clothing)
  Bart: Father, dearest. I am the son you crave. I'm athletic and smart and ever so masculine. Could a girl belch like this? (belches)
  Homer/Henry VIII: Oh, my sweet little boy. Why can't I have you?
  Bart: I don't know. Too much jerkin' your merkin'?
  Homer/Henry VIII: Why you little!! (reaches into bubble and strangles Bart) Get out of my dreams and into my wife!
  Marge/Margerine of Aragon: (wakes up and sighs) I could have married the King of France. He wasn’t so obsessed with procreation. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean?
• (in his throne, Homer watches an old-fashion Itchy & Scratchy episode. Instead of cartoons, the cat and mouse are played by hand puppets)
  Itchy: Sir Scratchy, I accuse you of holding a Catholic mass.
  Scratchy: Lord Itchy, I accuse you of not signing the Act of Succession.
  (our favorite cat and mouse begin beating each other with clubs)
• Homer/Henry VIII: Look at me! I eat and eat and eat and I never get any thinner!
• Lisa: I have to do a report on Sacagawea, but all I could find is this book on Ron Santo.
  [Lisa puts the book back on the shelf, and a homeless man picks it up.]
  Homeless man: Hey, I got toilet paper!
• Chief Homer: Long have we awaited the coming of the white man...and Carl.
  Lenny/Lewis: Thanks. And welcome to the United States of America.
  Carl/Clark: Have a flag, and while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our Lord.
  Chief Homer: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah, we'll get right on it.
• Lenny/Lewis: At last! The Pacific Ocean!
  Lisa/Sacagawea: That's a mud puddle.
  Lenny/Lewis: Some of us find accomplishment in the smallest things.
  Lisa/Sacagawea: How'd you get to be explorers anyway?
  Lenny/Lewis: We got the job 'cause we own a compass.
  Carl/Clark: Turns out the needle was just painted on.
• Lisa/Sacagawea: Okay, those berries are poisonous, those leaves are poisonous, oh, and your belt is a snake, also poisonous.
  Otto/Tweedleberge: I'll tell you what's poisonous—your attitude. (eats berries) You know... (falls on the ground) Ooo, I'm dying. But at least people will remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleberger. (dies)
  Lisa/Sacagawea: Also, if you're confronted by a mountain lion, try to make yourself look as big as possible. And when you get a chance, bury your friend. (points to vultures already eating Otto/Tweedleberger's body)
  Lenny/Lewis: Hey, we're still mourning. Let's get a drink.
  Moe: All right, customers! And they said you shouldn't open a bar in Kansas! (a tornado comes by and takes Moe's bar) Well, nothing can crush the frontier spirit. (begins rebuilding his bar when the building comes crashing down on him) That'll do it. (groans in pain)
• Mayor Quimby/President Thomas Jefferson: It has been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here...(points on a map, then sees Lenny, Carl, and Lisa outside the White House). You morons!
• Bart: What is that? A quarter?
  Milhouse: A Chuck-E-Cheese token?
  Marge: No! It's a Sacagawea dollar! You can trade it in at the bank for a regular dollar! Huh? Huh?
• Marge:History is like an amusement park. Except, instead of rides, you have dates to memorize!
• Emperor Burns: Splendid, young Beethoven. I hereby declare all other music...obsolete!
  Nelson/Beethoven: (to the tune of Beethoven's 5th) Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
• Lisa/Salieri: I never wanted you to die. I only wanted to destroy your talent and your joy.
• Bart/Mozart: Thank you all for your support. And be sure to be at my next concert in... (he drops his pants and moons the audience) Crack-ow!!
• Dr. Nick: Guten Tag, everybody!
  Bart/Mozart and Lisa/Salieri: Guten Tag, Dr. Nick.
• Bart/Mozart: Eat my pantaloons! (dies)
• Homer/Leopold Mozart: Mozart is dead! (cries, then holds up Bart's face) Get your genuine death masks, fresh off the corpse! Be the first on your block to give me money! (bystanders walk away)
• Marge: ...and that's the life of Mozart. Thank God he died young. I gotta get dinner on the stove.
• Homer: All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now there's a movie with good music.
  (breaking into the Animal House song)
  Animal House, House, House
  Nobody ever went to class
  Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass
  Animal House, House, House, House
  Animal House, House, House, House
  Then they did the end like American Graffiti
  Where you found out what happened to everyone.

Whatever happened to...

This is the "whatever happened to..." stills played just before the credits whilst Homer is singing Animal House.

Henry VIII

Henry VIII still holds the "world turkey leg eating record"

(accompanied by still of Homer as Henry VIII with turkey leg)

Lewis and Clark and Sacagawea

Sacagawea went on to pose for butter cartons. (Shows spoof of Land O Lakes butter carton with Lisa/Sacagawea in classic pose.)

(accompanied by still of Lisa as Sacagawea with Pacific North-West backdrop)

Mozart and Salieri

Mozart's burial site is now the most popular gas station in Germany

(accompanied by still of gas station)

Homer

That night, Homer watched Animal House again and went to work the next day in a toga

(accompanied by still of Homer reclining on the sofa in his briefs with the TV on)