Talk:Kendi Ntwiga

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Copyedits and suggestion

Hello all, I'm doing a light copyedit on this article and wanted to explain my overall changes, plus add a suggestion for anyone who is deeply committed to this article :) (As in, helped create it or seeks to maintain/improve it)

For my changes, I focused on grammar and readability- rearranged complex sentences with many separated clauses in the attempt to gain better flow, and removed some repeated context and detail which made it hard to follow.

My suggestion for improvement, which I may not have the capacity to take on myself, would be a reorganization of the article's content to read less like a reverse-chronological resume or curriculum vitae. In other words, while very well written, it just lists the subject's job roles going backwards from the present.

As a reader, I've found the most engaging BLPs sort of "tell the story" of the facts from reliable sources, stringing them together from the beginning to end. Reorganizing the biography so it flows more like a life story, and less like a business resume, could be an improvement in that regard.

That being said, it's already engaging in its current state, and I am greatly enjoying learning about Kendi's achievements. Just a thought for future article development! Chiselinccc (talk) 09:42, 19 February 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Oops, forgot another edit choice I wanted to contextualize here:

In some cases a direct job title was listed (e.g. "Director of Something") and in others a job was described (e.g. "director of sales in Region").

In the latter cases I have inserted "the" and "of/for" to improve the grammar; WP:MoS is complex and I don't have it all memorized, so please correct me if this is wrong! Chiselinccc (talk) 09:48, 19 February 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I feel a bit silly now that I edited the final sections, lol, because the later "Career" section does exactly what I described above: tells a coherent story in beginning-to-end order. So all that may need to happen is the lead section gets cleaned up to give a more succinct overview!

I'm leaving this final note as I won't be able to complete my aims tonight, but hope to in the near future. My goals when I return to the article are as follows:

Validate the sources present in the article to date
Look for more RS information on Kendi's non-profit work- the one mention of it was really cool, and this article is mostly a business resume. Would love to include further details of charity and community participation if I can find it, because that's a crucial part of someone's life too!
Find out more of what the "Misrepresentation" department is, I had to look it up because it seemed like a wild name! I would expect companies to have a department of Representation rather than MISrepresentation, it's fascinating and maybe there is already Wiki content we can link readers to, to better explain this concept.

Feel free to ping me by username here or come to my talk page if you have any questions or thoughts! Chiselinccc (talk) 10:03, 19 February 2024 (UTC)[reply]