User talk:Melissa at Velodyne Lidar

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Edits to remove promotional language and ADVERT tag

Hi. I would like to work with editors to reduce any lingering promotional language after the recent flurry of edits so that the ADVERT tag can be removed. Below are several edits that add some information, correct some poor grammar, and most important, reduce promotional language. I appreciate if you can implement the following edits, take out any promotional language I may have missed, and then remove the ADVERT tag. I am calling on BarrelProof and Timtempleton to help with this because they have recently made edits to improve the article.

• In the lead section, please add "In 2016, it" to the beginning of the second sentence. The date adds clarity.
• In the History section, in the paragraph that begins "Since 2018, Velodyne has partnered" please change "organizes" to "organized". It is more correct in the past tense.
• In the History section, in the paragraph beginning with "In January 2020, Hall stepped down as CEO" remove "in favor of" and replace with "and was replaced by". This is more straightforward and has none of the subjectivity of "in favor of".
• In the same paragraph replace the word "combined" with "merged". That sentence should end at "to become a publicly-traded company." Remove "and by" and begin the next sentence with "In". Please replace "it" with "the company" so that the last sentence of that paragraph reads: "In September 2020, the company began trading stocks and warrants..."
• In the Technology section the second paragraph should be replaced with the following, reducing some promotional language and making the paragraph clearer: "In April 2017, Velodyne introduced Velarray, a compact sensor that produces a directional image rather than the surround view provided by previous sensors. The range, resolution, and field of view facilitate object detection, allowing for longer braking distance and increased safety. Designed for easy vehicle integration, it works during the day or night. Installation can be concealed within roof lines, in bumpers and behind windshields."
• In the Partners and customers section, please make the following changes to the third paragraph which simplifies the language and removes a "buzzword". Begin the sentence with "From" replacing "In" so it reads "From 2012 through 2015". Replace "have been seen" with "were installed" and change the last sentence to read "Mapping providers including Topcon and Leica Geosystems also use Velodyne's scanners for their mobile services."
• Also, in Partners and customers, in the paragraph beginning "In 2018, the company partnered with Embark" add the following source after "Exyn Technologies". At the end of that paragraph please remove the words "as a new strategic investor", which sounds promotional.

References

Thanks so much. Melissa at Velodyne Lidar (talk) 17:53, 8 March 2022 (UTC)

At first glance, those look like good edits. I'll try to go through them sometime in the next few days. I might remove the word "easy", since it is subjective commentary, and I'm also not so fond of "facilitate", but those things are easy to adjust. Regarding the phrase saying "it works during the day or night", are there some other lidar systems that don't work both in the day and night? I suppose that is primarily a description of the Velarray H800. There is also the Velarray M1600, which seems a bit different. I wonder if you also might have any thoughts about the Velodyne article and its Talk page discussions at Talk:Velodyne. —⁠ ⁠BarrelProof (talk) 18:49, 8 March 2022 (UTC)

Closed req and tagging with this template:  Not done: this is the talk page for communicating with the user Melissa at Velodyne Lidar (talk · contribs). Please make your request at the talk page for the article concerned.Happy Editing--IAmChaos 22:29, 9 March 2022 (UTC)

 Done: Those are good edits. I put them in, although not exactly as proposed for all items. I also inserted some hidden comments about further improvements that would be desirable, and it would be nice if you could help with those aspects. —⁠ ⁠BarrelProof (talk) 15:52, 10 March 2022 (UTC)