Wikipedia:Peer review/Datone Jones/archive2

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Datone Jones[edit]

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I've listed this article for another peer review because I would like to nominate this article for GA status but I would like to continue doing improvements to the article first. Since I returned on December 29, 2019, I have went back to doing improvements to this article (such as changes to the lead section). I may have requested a peer review for this article on June 16, 2017, but I wouldn't mind if this article gets peer reviewed for a second time. Thanks, UCLAgirl623 (Whats up!) 19:52, 3 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for setting this up! As you noticed, I made some edits on some things I usually do for articles I work on. I will do the review as I would do a WP:GAN review, section-by-section. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:25, 3 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
UCLAgirl623, I will continue to add comments in the coming days. Feel free to address them as I add them, or wait until I am done reviewing, whatever you prefer. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:35, 3 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
I should be able to finish the review this week. I don't usually edit much on the weekends, but should get to it tomorrow. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 19:56, 5 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
Gonzo fan2007 I have responded to your suggestions, and did changes based on what you suggested. As you finish reviewing the article, feel free to check and see if my replies and edits are correct. --UCLAgirl623 (Whats up!) 02:58, 7 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
UCLAgirl623, I am going to try to finish up my review today. Afterwards, let me know when you feel like you have addressed/responded to all my comments. I then plan to do a quick copyedit of the article. Then I think you will definitely be good to go for WP:GAN. Nice work so far! « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:53, 8 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
UCLAgirl623, I'm done with my review. Anything else I notice I will capture in my copyedit after you have finished reviewing my comments. Thanks! « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 18:05, 8 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
Gonzo fan2007 This peer review may have been closed, but I finished responding to your comments on this page. Feel free to let me know on my talk page if there is any suggestions for me to improve the article before I take it to WP:GAN. —UCLAgirl623 (Whats up!) 17:38, 9 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
UCLAgirl623, awesome. I'll look over everything in the next day or so and let you know when I'm done! « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 18:03, 9 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
Lead
 Done
  • Why is All-Pac-10 not linked, but all-Pac-12 linked. Make sure consistency in capitalization of the "A".
  1. Before the conference became Pac-12, it was Pac-10. Pac-10 is a redirect to Pac-12. I added a section link to Pac-10 in the article. The 2008 All-Pacific-10 Conference football team article doesn't mention his name or any freshman. Jones was named Rivals.com freshman all-Pac-10 of 2008. The 2008 season for the Pac-10 doesn't have a article (as shown here). There is a article regarding the 2008 team (his first year). Those are some reasons why I added a section link to Pac-10.
  2. Capitalization was made to All-Pac-10.
  • Not sure this is notable enough for the lead: ", and was one of two rookies to recover a fumble."
Sentence removed.
Fixed an to a.
Early years
  • I would only use "Jones" in the first sentence of each paragraph, after that you can just use "he" or "his"
Did that, and also removed "who played at Jones' high school" in the sentence about playing with James Harden and Demar DeRozan.
  • "Compton Tarbabes high school football team" - since you already say "Compton High School" at the beginning of the sentence, could probably remove "Compton Tarbabes high school", or at least "high school".
I removed "high school". The sentence is now "for the Compton Tarbabes football team".
  • WP:OXFORD - be consistent with the Oxford comma throughout. I noticed you used it in the lead, but you don't use it in this section ("nine hurries and three pass deflections")
Comma added after hurries. I also changed nine to 9 and three to 3. The sentence is now "9 hurries, and 3 pass deflections).
  • "Additionally, he was also" - "additionally" and "also" are synonyms, just choose one
I removed also. I will go with "additionally".
  • "He played basketball in middle school and high school, when he was a point guard." - replace ", when he was" to "as"
Sentence changed to "He played basketball in middle school and high school as a point guard.
I removed the link.
College recruiting
  • "... get off."[9] He..." - the quotation mark should go before the period (i.e. ".[9] )
Format fixed. Additionally, I changed the source from Rivals.com to Scout.com since the archived URL mentions the quote.
  • " an 810 SAT score which he planned to retake." - link SAT; also did he ever retake the test? If not, then you can remove "which he planned to retake".
  • Think about linking all of the college football programs he got offers from (not sure what common practice is)
 Done. Also, slide 4 of the Bleacher Report source (ref #10) mentions his offers.
  • "Jones have ultimately decided to attend the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA)." - you have used "UCLA" throughout, so I would just stick to the acronym. It is kinda random that it is suddenly linked with the acronym after the name since you have used it a lot already. Also, this sentence should have a source (there should be plenty of sources in the article you can use). « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:10, 7 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
I used Bleacher Report as a source for that sentence (ref #10). Also, I fixed the sentence regarding his decision to UCLA, as you suggested.
College career
  • "On October 3 against Stanford," - I believe you need a comma after "October 3"
Sentence fixed to "On October 3, against Stanford,"
  • "...was named to the Ted Hendricks Award watch list, given annually to the best defensive linemen in college football." - recommend changing to "the watch list for the Ted Hendricks Award, which is given annually to the best defensive linemen in college football"
Changed the sentence to "was named to the watch list for the Ted Hendricks Award".
  • "During the game against California..." "the" -> "a"
 Done
  • "He led the Bruins in tackles with 41, while also topping the team with 6.5 tackles for loss and 3.0 sacks" - was this for the season? So he led the Bruins in all three stats or the season? Maybe needs clarifying.
  • "... and also was given credit for forcing a safety." - no need for "also"
Sentence fixed to "and was given credit for forcing a safety."
  • "At the end of the year, he was selected to be second-team All-Conference by the league coaches." - which "league"? « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 16:51, 8 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
Pac-12
Professional career
Packers
  • "However, he was also described as a tweener who lacks the sustained speed and flexibility to be a 4-3 defensive end who also tired quickly." - you probably need to define "tweener" or elaborate what that means.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, tweener is defined as "a player who has some but not all of the necessary characteristics for each of two or more positions (as in football or basketball)". In this case, Jones is a player who has some but not all the necessary skills to be a 4-3 defensive end. I have removed "tweener" and replaced it with "player". The sentence is now However, he was also described as a player who lacks the sustained speed and flexibility to be a 4-3 defensive end. Additionally, I removed "who also tired quickly" from the sentence.
  • "... by the Seattle Seahawks and the first UCLA player selected in the first round since Jacksonville Jaguars tight end Marcedes Lewis back in 2006." - recommend splitting into two sentences: "Seahawks. He was also the first..."
As you suggested, the sentence is splitted into two. The sentences are now "Seahawks. Additionally, he was the first".
  • "defensive end, and was one of the interior rushers in the team's sub-defenses" - probably need to explain what "sub-defenses" is.

"he appeared on 267 defensive plays and finished with 10 tackles" - "on" -> "in"

  • " (7 of them solo)," - no need for "of them"
I fixed the sentence to 7 solo.
  • "2 passes defended" - the state is technically "pass defensed, not "defended" (note this appears a few times, please correct all of them)
  • "During a postseason divisional round contest against the Dallas Cowboys, he became the first Packer to register a blocked field goal and a fumble recovery in a playoff game, helping the Packers advance to the conference championship game" - you could link "postseason divisional round contest" and "the conference championship game"
Links added.
  • "According to a police report acquired by the Green Bay Press-Gazette, he was" - Green Bay Press-Gazette needs italics
 Done
  • "He apologized for the suspension but didn't appealed it, stating that there was "no reason to"." - "didn't" -> "did not" and "appealed" -> "appeal"
 Done
  • "earning him the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel player of the week" - Milwaukee Journal Sentinel needs italics
 Done
  • "He played in 15 games in the regular season and appeared in all 3 postseason contests. He posted 22 tackles (17 solo), 1 sack, and had 2 passes defended." - needs a source
I used CBSSports.com as the source (as shown in reference #38).
  • This Packers section probably needs to end with something that explains that the Packers chose not to resign Jones, thus making him a free agent. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 18:05, 8 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
I've added that he had 1 sack in 548 snaps as the reason why he became a free agent (and why the Packers chose not to resign him). In the 2016 section, I added that he struggled to live up to expectations when the team drafted him (and developing into a effective pass rusher).
Other teams
  • Under Minnesota Vikings, I would just remove "After signing with the Vikings,", as it is somewhat repetitive.
Sentence removed
  • Seven of the paragraphs under this section start with the date "On March 14, 2017..." - I would mix it up by starting some of them sentences differently (like "Jones was signed by the TEAM on DATE")
Changes were done to the paragraphs.
  • "On October 11, 2017, Jones signed with the Detroit Lions. He was released on October 18, 2017." - I would combine these sentences, and just say "... Lions, but was released a week later on October 18." (the second "2017" isn't needed)
In sentence 1, I gave an explanation on why the Lions signed him. For the second sentence, I changed it to "However, he was released a week later on October 18, 2017."
  • "He appeared in 3 games and made 6 tackles. He was waived on November 21." - again, combine sentences and say "... tackles, but was waived on November 21."
I kept the sentence, but added "as a defensive end".
  • Do you know why the 49ers released him? Injury? Sub-par play? If any sources say why, you should add to the article.
To make room for Tank Carradine (I added it to the article). I changed the source to The Sacramento Bee. That source gives a explanation about the reason the 49ers released him.
  • "...suffering a hamstring injury. On September 25, Jones was placed on injured reserve with a hamstring injury." - Add the year (2018 I believe). Also, I would delete "with a hamstring injury" and replace with "for the rest of the season" if there is a source that supports that". Was he released form the Cowboys or was his contract just up at the end of 2018? « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 17:06, 6 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
For the Cowboys section, I fixed the first sentence by adding "to a two-year contract", replaced "with a hamstring injury" with "for the rest of the season" as you suggested, fixed the citation by replacing {{Cite web}} with {{Cite news}} (as well as changing "publisher" to "newspaper"), and fixed September 25 to September 25, 2018 as you suggested.
NFL career statistics
Personal life
  • The first sentence of this paragraph is missing a word.
I added "in Compton, California" and "one of 6 children". However, another editor did changes to the first sentence (diff: [1]).
  • Per WP:BLPNAME, I would think about removing the name of his mom and wife.
 Done
  • Is the purpose of the first sentence to say he was raised by a single mother? As it is written, it just says his mom raised him, which is true for most people.
I would say yes. The information on how he was raised is shown in reference #48.
  • I would think about being more concise in this section, maybe tightening it up and saying he was a raised by a single mother and one of 6 children. I'm not sure buying his mom a house is essential to the article, but I wouldn't protest if it was left in. I would also just say that he was baptized (linking baptism) and drop the part about posting a video to Twitter about it. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:25, 3 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
 Done I linked baptism, inserted the part you mentioned about who raised him (including the one of 6 children part), and removed the Twitter video part out.
References
 Done source fixed and lowercased.
 Done source changed.
  • Whenever a source is a newspaper, you should use {{Cite news}}, making sure to use the newspaper= parameter (this italicizes the name of the newspaper in the source, which is required) #11, 36, 47, and 49 are a few I noticed.
  • I'm just going to generally say that the citations probably need some clean-up. Citations should be consistent throughout, with {{Cite news}} used for newspapers and {{Cite web}} used for other online sources. All the fields should be consistent (i.e. publisher=, newspaper=, work=, website=etc). As an example, websites should be all lower case and written exactly as they are found, dropping the www. part. As an example, Packers.com should be packers.com. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:33, 3 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
I have requested that cleanup would be done to the citations at Wikipedia:Cleanup. One editor helped fix some of the citations (diffs: [2], [3], and [4]). As for Packers.com, I fixed it to packers.com as you suggested. I also fixed the jsonline.com links as well. --UCLAgirl623 (Whats up!) 20:46, 4 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
Images
I added alt text to all the photos, fyi. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 20:15, 8 January 2020 (UTC)[reply]
 Done image added.
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