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Polyamory

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Polyamory is the practice or lifestyle of being part of more than one long-term, intimate, and, often, sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. Persons who consider themselves emotionally suited to such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.

Although often treated as synonymous, polyamory is not the same as open relationships; a person may have more than one close emotional or sexual partner and yet not be "open" to others (polyfidelity), or may have an agreement to allow multiple partners but not form the long term emotional bonds with them which are defining within polyamory (eg swinging). The core value of polyamory ultimately might be said to be that the multiple relationships are intended to be taken seriously as relationships, rather than "ships passing in the night".

Start of polyamory contingent at San Francisco Pride 2004.

Terminology

Like 'television', polyamory is a neologism and a hybrid word: 'poly' is Greek for 'many' and 'amor' is Latin for 'love'. It has been independently coined by several people, including Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart whose article 'A Bouquet of Lovers' (1990) encouraged the popularization of the term, and Jennifer Wesp who created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory in 1992. However, the term has been reported in occasional use since the 1960s, and even outside polygamous cultures such relationships existed well before the name was coined; for one example dating from the 1920s, see William Moulton Marston.

In 1999, Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart was asked by the editor of the Oxford English Dictionary to provide a definition of the term. (The term has not been recognized by the Dictionary.) Her definition was:

"The practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved."
This term was meant to be inclusive, and in that context, we have never intended to particularly exclude "swinging" per se, if practitioners thereof wished to adopt the term and include themselves. As far as we have understood, swinging specifically does not involve "cheating," and it certainly does involve having "multiple lovers"! Moreover, we understand from speaking with a few swinging activists that many swingers are closely bonded with their various lovers, as best friends and regular partners.
The two essential ingredients of the concept of "polyamory" are "more than one" and "loving." That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other's lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, "cheating," serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as "mate-swapping" parties.

The terms primary (or primary relationship/s) and secondary (or secondary relationship/s) are often used as a means to indicate the relative significance of different relationships in a person's life. Thus a woman with a husband and another partner might refer to the husband as her "primary". (Of course this is in addition to any other terms a person might use, such as "lover" "casual date" "friend" "other half" and so on)

Forms of polyamory

Forms of polyamory include:

  • Polyfidelity, which involves multiple romantic relationships with sexual contact restricted to specific partners in a group.
  • Sub-relationships, which distinguish between "primary" and "secondary" relationships (e.g. most open marriages).
  • Polygamy (polygyny and polyandry), in which one person marries several spouses (who may or may not be married to or have a romantic relationship with one another).
  • Group relationships and group marriage, in which all consider themselves equally associated to one another, popularized to some extent by Robert Heinlein (in novels such as Stranger in a Strange Land and The Moon is a Harsh Mistress), by Robert Rimmer and also by the author Starhawk in her books The Fifth Sacred Thing (1993) and Walking to Mercury (1997).
  • Networks of interconnecting relationships, where a particular person may have relationships of varying degrees of importance with various people.
  • Mono/poly relationships where one partner is monogamous but agrees to the other having outside relationships.
  • So-called "geometric" arrangements, which are described by the number of people involved and their relationship connections. Examples include "triads" and "quads", along with "V" and "N" geometries. The connecting member of a V relationship is sometimes referred to as a "hinge" or "pivot", and the partners thereby indirectly connected are referred to as the "arms". The arm partners are not as closely bonded to each other as each arm partner is to the pivot. This can be contrasted with a "triangle", in which all partners are directly connected and all are bonded to each other with comparable strength. A triad could be either a V or a triangle.

Some people in sexually exclusive relationships may still self-describe as polyamorous, if they have significant emotional ties to more than one other person. Additionally, people who self-describe as polyamorous, may accept monogamous relationships with specific partners, either because this is the negotiated agreement, or because with that partner monogamy feels 'right' (whereas for a different partner perhaps it would not be needed).

'Open relationship'

Open relationship denotes a relationship (usually between two people) in which participants are free to take other partners; where the couple making this agreement are married, it is an open marriage. 'Open relationship' and 'polyamorous' are not identical terms, broadly "open" usually refers to the sexual aspect of a non-closed relationship, whereas polyamory refers to the extension of a relationship by allowing bonds to form (which may be sexual or otherwise) as additional long term relationships:

  • Some relationships place strict restrictions on partners (e.g. polyfidelity); such relationships are polyamorous, but not open.
  • Some relationships permit sex outside the primary relationship, but not love (cf swinging); such relationships are open, but not polyamorous.
  • Some polyamorists do not accept the dichotomies of "in a relationship/not in a relationship" and "partners/not partners"; without these divisions, it is meaningless to class a relationship as 'open' and 'closed'.
  • Some polyamorists consider 'polyamory' to be their philosophical orientation -- they believe themselves capable and desirous of multiple loves -- whereas 'open relationship' is used as a logistical description: that is, it is how their polyamory is expressed or implemented. They would say of themselves, for instance, "I am polyamorous; my primary partner and I have an open relationship (with the following ground rules)...."

However, there is enough overlap between the two concepts that 'open relationship' is sometimes used as a catch-all substitute when speaking to people who may not be familiar with 'polyamory'.

Several other forms of nonmonogamous relationship are listed at poly relationship.

Three or more people may form and share a relationship in most countries legally (subject sometimes to laws against homosexuality). But such laws do not usually permit marriage, nor do they give full legal protection to all partners equally, nor as strong protection (e.g., parental rights) as they do to married couples. They are considered no different than people or live together or date under other circumstances. Usually one couple, at most, can elect to be treated as "married".

Bigamy is the offence of marrying one person whilst already being married to another, and is strictly enforced in most countries, though some permit it. Having multiple non-marital partners, even if married to one, is legal in most countries, at most it constitutes grounds for divorce if the primary partner is non consensual (or claims to be) or feels that the interest in a further partner has destabilized the marriage. There are, however, exceptions in some states: In North Carolina a spouse can sue a third party for causing "loss of affection" in their spouse [1] and more than twenty states in the US have laws against adultery [2].

The extension of laws which use a test similar to the UK test of "married or living together as married" to multiple-partner relationships (ie treating them as commonlaw marriage) to trios or larger groups is untested at present.

If marriage is intended, most countries provide for both a religious marriage, and a civil ceremony (sometimes combined), both of which recognize and formalize the relationship. Few countries recognize or will permit marriages with three or more partners either legally or religiously. While a recent case in the Netherlands was commonly read as demonstrating that the Netherlands permitted multiple partner civil unions, [3], this belief is mistaken. Netherland's law concerning samenlevingscontract clearly states:

  1. A person may only be involved in one registered partnership with one other person whether of the same or of opposite sex at any one time.
  2. Persons who enter into a registered partnership may not at the same time be married.
(source)

When a couple split up, non-consensual non-fidelity ("cheating") is often grounds for an unfavorable divorce settlement, and non-fidelity generally could easily be seized upon as a prejudicial issue by an antagonistic partner. Married people with partners external to their marriage (or other primary relationship) might need to consider carefully the laws in their jurisdiction, to ensure that they are complied with, and consider how to ensure that the mutuality of their decision within their marriage is clear.

Values within polyamory

Unlike the general case of swinging, polyamorous relationships generally involve an emotional bond, though the distinctions made between swinging and polyamory are a topic open to debate and interpretation. Many people in both the swinging and polyamory communities see both practices as part of a continuum of open intimacy and sexuality.

Note that the values discussed here are ideals. As with any ideals, their adherents sometimes fall short of the mark - but major breaches of a polyamorous relationship's ideals are taken as seriously as such breaches would be in any other relationship.

Fidelity versus loyalty

Most monogamists define fidelity as committing to only one partner (at a time), and having no other sexual or relational partners during such commitment. By contrast, most polyamorists define fidelity as being honest and forthcoming with their partners in respect to their relational lives, and keeping to the commitments they have made in those relationships.

Polyamorous relationships tend to value loyalty, the unspoken ability to rely upon support, and the other persons care and presence in one's life, over fidelty. A saying sometimes quoted is that "Fidelity is nothing, what matters is loyalty".

Trust, honesty, dignity and respect

Most polyamorists emphasize respect for all partners. Withholding information—even a "Don't ask, don't tell" agreement—is often frowned upon, because it implies that partners cannot handle the truth or trust those they love to keep their commitments. A partner's partners should be accepted as part of that person's life rather than merely tolerated.

A relationship that requires deception, or where partners are not allowed to express their individual lives, is often seen as a poor model for a relationship. The trust in a polyamorous relationship is that they love (or care about) you, and will come back, and will treat you and your relationship with them honestly and appropriately, as something of value and to be respected.

As part of this, dignity is often taken as a key value in a relationship. That each partner will support and not undermine the other, and (if necessary) will not use a secondary relationship in a way that deliberately harms or destabilizes the other party or other relationships.

Communication and negotiation

Because there is no 'standard model' for polyamorous relationships, participants in a relationship may have differing ideas about how that relationship should work. If unaddressed, such mismatched expectations can be extremely harmful to the relationship. For this reason, many polyamorists advocate explicitly deciding the ground rules of a relationship with all concerned. In contrast to some other forms of negotiated relationship (e.g. the prenuptial agreement) polyamorists commonly view this negotiation as an ongoing process throughout the lifetime of the relationship.

In more conventional relationships, participants can settle on a common set of expectations without having to consciously negotiate them, simply by following societal standards (a husband and wife are expected to support one another financially, for instance). Because polyamorous relationships cannot rely on societal standards as a starting point, much more within the relationship must be chosen along the way by talking and by mutual respect and understanding, rather than assumed.

Polyamorists usually take a pragmatic approach to their relationships; they accept that sometimes they and their partners will make mistakes and fail to live up to these ideals. When this happens, communication is an important channel for repairing any damage caused by such breaches.

Non-possessiveness

People in conventional relationships often agree not to seek other relationships under any circumstances, as they would threaten, dilute or substitute for the primary relationship. Polyamorists believe these restrictions are in fact not for the best in a relationship, since they tend to replace trust with possessive prohibitions, and place relationships into a framework of ownership and control: "You are mine". This reflects cultural assumptions that restrictions are needed to stop partners "drifting", and that additional close relationships would be a serious threat or dilution of that bond.

Polyamorists tend to see their partner's partners in terms of the gain to their partner's life rather than the threat to their own. The old saying "If you love something, set them free, if they come back they are yours, if not they never were" describes a similar type of outlook. For this reason, many polyamorists see this 'possessive' view of relationships as something to be avoided. This takes a great deal of trust. (A simple test of success: would seeing one's lover find another partner be cause for happiness [compersion] or alarm?)

Although non-possessiveness is an important part of many polyamorous relationships, it is not as universal as the other values discussed above. Alternatives include arrangements in which one possessive primary relationship is combined with non-possessive secondary relationships (common in open marriages), and asymmetrical relationships in which 'ownership' only applies in one direction.

Some people practice polyamory due to following a restrictive moral. Such people reject the temptation and pleasure of dominating others, and thus insist that their love partner(s) have love partner(s) besides themself. The intent of these morality-motivated polyamorists is thus to purify their own character, akin to monks.

Polyamory and parenting

Many polyamorists have children, either within the relationship or from a previous relationship. Like other elements of polyamory, the way in which children are integrated into the family structure varies widely. Examples:

  • Parents are primarily responsible for their own children (biological, adoptive, or step-), but other members of the relationship act as an extended family, providing assistance in child-rearing.
  • Adults raise children collectively, all taking equal responsibility for each child regardless of consanguinity.
  • Parents are wholly responsible for their own children, with other members of the relationship relating to the children as friends of the parents.
  • Children treat parents' partners as a form of step-parent.

The choice of structures is affected by timing: an adult who has been present throughout a child's life is likely to have a more parental relationship with that child than one who enters a relationship with people who already have a teenage child. (The issues involved often parallel those of step-parenting.)

The degree of logistical and emotional involvement between the members of the relationship is also important: a close-knit triad already living under one roof with shared finances are far more likely to take a collective approach to parenting than would a larger, loose-knit group who have separate living arrangements.

Whether children are fully informed of the nature of their parents' relationship varies, according to the above considerations and also to whether the parents are 'out' to other adults.

Custody ramifications

Parents involved in polyamorous relationships often keep this status a secret because of the risk that their polyamory will be used by an ex-spouse or other family member as grounds to deprive them of custody of and/or access to their children, much as homosexuality has been used in the past.

In 1998, a Tennessee court granted guardianship of a child to her grandmother and step-grandfather because the child's mother April Divilbiss and partners had outed themselves as polyamorous on MTV. After contesting the decision for two years, Divilbiss eventually agreed to relinquish her daughter, acknowledging that she was unable to adequately care for her child and that this, rather than her polyamory, had been the grandparents' real motivation in seeking custody.[4]

The definitions of polygamy and polyamory allow a great deal of overlap: any loving polygamous relationship could also be considered polyamorous, and many polyamorists consider themselves to be married to more than one person. In practice, however, usage separates the words: "polygamy" is more often used to refer to codified forms of multiple marriage (especially those with a traditional/religious basis), while "polyamory" implies a relationship defined by negotiation between its members rather than cultural norms.

Thus, although polygamy and polyamory are often treated by outsiders as similar concepts, the two groups are based on very different philosophies and ideals, and little interaction occurs between self-described "polygamists" and "polyamorists". Instead, polyamory is more closely associated with those subcultures and ideologies that favour individual freedoms in sexual matters - most notably, gay and BDSM advocacy.

The polyamorous values of respect, honesty, communication and negotiation are akin to those espoused by the BDSM subculture. (Indeed, several prominent polyamory advocates are also BDSM advocates). Many of the problems encountered in polyamorous relationships have close parallels in BDSM, and can be resolved by similar methods; both groups benefit from a cross pollination of ideas.

However, individual attitudes vary widely; within each of these groups, some members find the other groups objectionable.

Criticisms of polyamory

Religious objections

Most major religious denominations expect a person to choose one sexual or marital partner. Even those that allow non-monogamous relationships commonly limit this to one rigidly-defined form of marriage - most commonly polygyny. Religious leaders have said little on polyamory, but this is probably due to its low public profile compared to other relational/ethical issues such as homosexuality, and because polyamory is neither widely known nor widely identified as a distinct lifestyle.

Division of love

One common criticism of polyamory is rooted in the belief that by dividing one's love among multiple partners, that love is lessened. This is a Malthusian (or "starvation economy") argument, so called because it treats love as a commodity (like food or other resources) that can only be given to one person by taking it away from another.

Polyamorists reject this view of love, arguing that love need not be lessened by division. A commonly-invoked argument is that a parent who has two children does not love either of them any less because of the existence of the other.

Those who value monogamy often point to the strength and trust that can be built up within a long standing couple, who only are focused on each other and have no other partners.

An intermediate viewpoint is that maintaining a loving relationship requires time and energy, and neither of these are infinite resources; hence, while it may be possible to love several people just as well as one, there is a point beyond which relationships do begin to suffer.

Perceived failure rates

Polyamorous relationships are often criticised as "not lasting". It is hard to come by accurate numbers on the longevity of polyamorous relationships versus monogamous ones, so this is difficult to measure, for a variety of reasons.

Like many groups with non-traditional relationships, polyamorists often do not publicize their relational status. Commonly, only the ones which fail in public become known. The participants' criteria for a "successful" relationship also do not always coincide with the usual expected "goal" set by conventional monogamy. Polyamory is far more fluid than traditional marriage, so polyamorous relationships change or end as those within them feel right. A relationship that enriches the lives of its participants will usually still be considered a "success" even as it comes to an end. Since this is part of the flow of polyamory, it can be done without the souring that accompanies the end of many marriages.

Because sex and sexuality raise so many deep feelings in people, it is difficult for people to be non-biased in their casual assessment of the "success" of polyamorous relationships, with polyamorists and those opposed to polyamory each making assessments based on 'selective choice of evidence' (that supporting their view). For example, those who are not inclined towards such relationships may judge the type of relationship based on the failure of a particular instance of it, even if they do not judge the entire institution of marriage a failure simply because a particular couple got a divorce. Other criticisms may be based on observation of non-traditional relationships which lack the emphasis polyamory places on honesty, negotiation, and respect.

With a lack of disciplined academic study in this area, there is simply no research comparing monogamous relationships with polyamorous ones, either in terms of longevity (as a measure for those relationships which do make a "life-long" commitment), or in terms of meeting the expectations of those participating. While a casual observer might see many polyamorous relationships ending, supporters of polyamory note that relatively few monogamous relationships are truly successful either, citing the divorce rate, the number of marriages which hold together in name only, and the number where partners are unhappy or cheat—and that few use these things as evidence that monogamy "isn't moral" or "practical".

Inability/unwillingness to commit

Polyamory is sometimes seen as an inability, or unwillingness, to make a lasting commitment to one partner — especially a commitment to sexual exclusivity to one person for one's entire lifetime, as in traditional monogamous marriage.

In fact, polyamorists commonly see themselves as making more commitments, much as a parent is committed to loving all their offspring. One expression used by polyamorists is "We are faithful to ALL our lovers".

Counter-criticisms

Polyamorists' attitudes to monogamy vary widely. Many polyamorists consider polyamory a superior way of life to monogamy, sometimes describing polyamory as being "more evolved". Monogamous relationships are often characterised as being based on unthinking acceptance of societal or religious standards, or on possessiveness and jealousy. Some polyamorists believe that people who only have a single lover have less capacity for love than those who have more—a reversal of the 'division of love' criticism discussed above.

However, many others view polyamory and monogamy as equally valid ways of life, with the best choice depending on the individual. While recognising that many monogamous relationships may be based on conformity or possessiveness, they do not see this as an intrinsic characteristic of monogamy any more than they see an inability to commit as an intrinsic characteristic of polyamory.

Famous polyamorous people

See also

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