Template:Did you know nominations/Shen Yin Shu

The following discussion is an archived discussion of the DYK nomination of the article below. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page (such as this nomination's talk page, the article's talk page or Wikipedia talk:Did you know), unless there is consensus to re-open the discussion at this page. No further edits should be made to this page.

The result was: promoted by PumpkinSky talk 00:03, 1 December 2011 (UTC)

Shen Yin Shu

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... that in 506 BCE, Chu general Shen Yin Shu, wounded battling against Wu general Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War, requested an officer kill him and bring his head home?

Created/expanded by Zanhe (talk). Self nom at 07:26, 12 November 2011 (UTC)

Article was new Nov 9 and is long enough, and is a nice article. About the hook though, the article (and linked source) document that he died not in battle, but rather after battle, of wounds from 3 battles. (Search on "goubi" in this linked source Could that be reworded? --do ncr am 21:20, 27 November 2011 (UTC)

Thanks for your review and recommendation. I've made changes to the hook to better match the source. --Zanhe (talk) 00:37, 29 November 2011 (UTC)

Thanks. That's a little long, at 211 characters counting spaces but not the ellipsis by my count. How about shorter, gorier, and with Sun Tzu (most recognizable/interesting link) mention sooner:

... that ancient Chu general Shen Yin Shu, wounded battling against Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War, requested an aide kill him and bring his head home?

Already down to 150 characters, and could drop "ancient Chu". Not sure if my suggestion is fully accurate, please revise if Goubi was not aide or otherwise. I think 200 chars is limit and shorter is better. I liked the source mentioning that Goubi quickly wrapped up the head to go, like for takeout. --do ncr am 01:28, 29 November 2011 (UTC)

You're right. I lost track of the character count. I replaced "aide" with "officer" as that's the word used in the source. --Zanhe (talk) 05:59, 29 November 2011 (UTC)

Or how about:

... that Chu general Shen Yin Shu, wounded battling against Wu general Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War, requested an aide kill him and bring his head home?

I think Sun Tzu fans will know that it is about ancient history, don't need that word. Is cadence good with Chu general and Wu general? --do ncr am 01:33, 29 November 2011 (UTC)

Thanks for the suggestions. I like this version and made minor changes based on it (added year to emphasize how ancient it was). --Zanhe (talk) 05:59, 29 November 2011 (UTC)

I think it is fine now. Meaning the revised first one above (... that in 506 BCE, Chu general Shen Yin Shu, wounded battling against Wu general Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War, requested an officer kill him and bring his head home?). Thanks Zanhe for revising. --do ncr am 14:14, 30 November 2011 (UTC)