Bereavement in Judaism

Bereavement in Judaism (אבלות aveilut - "mourning") is a combination of minhag ("custom") and mitzvah ("commandment") derived from Judaism's classical Torah and rabbinic texts with details of observance and practice varying according to each Jewish community.

Death and dying

Everything that Jews do regarding death is for one of two reasons: respect for the dead (kvod hamet) or to console those left behind (nihum avelim).

Death bed

A goses is defined as someone who is extremely close to death and is sure to die very soon, but Jewish law, forbids Jews to do anything to hasten a person's death yet at the same time requires anything possible to comfort the dying. So the spectrum of what can or cannot be done for a person on their deathbed may sometimes vary (and a trustworthy rabbi should always be consulted about the best course of action to follow in such a dire situation). There are some who would not touch a dying person for fear that the slightest touch might bring about the untimely (even by fractions of a second) demise of the one who is dying.

Defining a person as dead

Mita means "death" and the met is the "dead person". Sha'at HaMita refers to the precise moment of death. A clear-cut definition of death, is a subject of great debate in Judaism. Even in Talmudic times, it was unclear whether one should determine death based on breathing or pulse. Recently, however, the subject of the use of brain death as a determinant has been debated. There is no universal agreement among prominent rabbis, known as poskim, about this issue.

Vigil

Shemira ("vigil" or "guarding") is required from the moment a Jew dies. A shomer an appointed person (preferably not a relative of the deceased) keeps a watch over the body. At least one shomer should be reciting Psalms (Tehillim) constantly until the burial service. Although honoring the deceased is the main purpose, at one time the danger of theft of the body was very real. Today, people are paid or appointed by the funeral home or Chevra kadisha, people to sit near the body as shomrim ("guards").

Chevra kadisha

Main article: Chevra kadisha

A chevra kadisha (חברה קדישא "holy group") acting as a burial society is a loosely structured but generally closed organization of Jewish men and women who see to it that the bodies of Jews are prepared for burial according to halakha ("Jewish law") and that the bodies of the deceased are protected from desecration, willful or not, until burial. Two of the main requirements are the showing of proper respect for the body of the deceased, and the ritual cleansing of the body and subsequent dressing for burial.

Many local chevra kadishas in cities and towns are affiliated with local synagogues and they often own their own burial plots in various local cemeteries. There are communities where people pay an annual token membership fee to the chevra kadisha of their choice so that when the time comes the chevra kadisha will not only attend to the body of the deceased as befits Jewish law, but will also ensure burial in a plot which it controls at an appropriate nearby Jewish cemetery.

If no gravediggers are available, then it is the function of the male chevra kadisha members to ensure that graves are dug to the required depth (about six feet). In Israel members of chevra kadishas consider it an honor to not only to prepare the body for burial but also to dig the grave for a fellow Jew's body, particularly if the deceased was known to be a righteous person.

Many burial societies hold one or two annual fast days and organise regular study sessions to remain up-to-date with the relevant articles of Jewish law. In addition, most burial societies also support families during the shiv'ah (traditional week of mourning) by arranging prayer services, meals and other facilities.

Preparing the body

The body must first go through the ritual of tahara, or "purification" in preparation for the funeral. The body is thoroughly cleansed of dirt, body fluids and solids, and anything else that may be on the skin, and then it is ritually purified preferably by immersion in a mikvah, or by pouring a substantial continuous flow of water onto the body. Tahara may refer to either the entire process, or to the ritual purification.

Once the body is "purified", it is then dressed in tachrichim, or "shrouds", white garments which are identical for each Jew and which symbolically recall the garments worn by the Kohen Gadol ("High Priest"). A male is then wrapped, preferably, in his own tallit ("prayer shawl").

Once the body is dressed, the casket (coffin) is sealed. Unlike other religions, there is traditionally no viewing of the body, and no "open casket" at the funeral. In Israel many have the custom not to use caskets at all, but rather to wrap the body in thicker white shrouds covered on the outside by a tallit.

Funeral service

In the United States today, the average Jewish funeral service usually commences officially at a funeral home for an ordinary Jew and then from there the mourners and their entourage proceed by car to a Jewish cemetery for burial. In the case of a more prominent person, such as a well-known communal leader, rabbi, rebbe, or rosh yeshiva, the entire service with eulogies can be held at the synagogue or yeshiva that the well-known person was affiliated with.

Historically, Jews have not had "open casket" services.

Eulogies

A hesped is a eulogy and it is very common that several people speak at the start of the ceremony either at the funeral home as well as prior to burial at the gravesite. Some people specify in their wills that nothing should be said about them. On certain days, such as on Chol HaMo'ed ("intermediate days" of Jewish holidays) eulogies are forbidden.

Burial

Kevura ("burial") should take place as soon as possible after death. The Torah requires burial as soon as possible, even for executed criminals (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Respect for the dead can be learned from many examples in the Torah and Tanakh. For example, one of the last events in the Torah is the death of Moses and none other than God buries Moses: "[God] buried him in the depression in the land of Moab, opposite Beth Peor. No man knows the place that he was buried, even to this day." (Deuteronomy 34:6) [1]

Additionally, the Cave of the Patriarchs, the spiritual center of Hebron which was the first capital city of the Kingdom of Israel in the times of King David, is called Me'arat HaMakhpela (מערת המכפלה) in Hebrew: "The Cave of the 'double' caves or tombs", because (according to Jewish tradition) its hidden twin caves are considered to be the burial place of four "pairs" of important Biblical couples: (1) Adam and Eve; (2) Abraham and Sarah; (3) Isaac and Rebekah; (4) Jacob and Leah.

Jews are buried in caskets that aren't hermetically sealed because Adam, the first man, was created from ground (dust), and when man dies the body returns to the ground (dust) (Genesis 3:19). In Israel, many Orthodox Jews are not buried in caskets but are buried wrapped in thick outer layers of white garments, often covered with a Tallit ("prayer shawl") on the outside.

Jacob and Joseph were embalmed, but that was before the Torah was given.

Unclaimed dead (met mitzvah) require respectful burial.

Typically, when the funeral service has ended, the mourners (excluding the immediate family), come forward to fill the grave. Symbolically, this gives the mourners closure as they observe the grave being filled in. One custom is for people present at the funeral to take a spade or shovel, held with the "scoop" pointing down instead of up, to show the antithesis of death to life and that this use of the shovel is different to all other uses, to throw three shovelfuls of dirt into the grave. When someone is finished, they put the shovel back in the ground, rather than handing it to the next person so that they shouldn't pass along their grief.

Mourning

Keriah and shivah

The mourners traditionally make a tear (keriah קריעה) in an outer garment either before the funeral or immediately after it. The tear shhould be over the area of the heart symbolizing a "broken heart". The tear should not rip through so that the body shows. The torn item of clothing is usually worn and not mended for the duration of the shiv'ah week.

For the sake of economy, it is very common for liberal Jews to put on a small pinned-on ribbon provided by the funeral home, which is then torn and worn throughout the period (but this is not considered valid by Orthodoxy).

When they get home, the mourners do not shower or bathe for a week, do not wear leather shoes and/or jewelry, men do not shave, and in many communities large wall mirrors in the mourners' home are covered. It is customary for the mourners to sit on low stools or even the floor, symbolic of the emotional reality of being "brought low" by the grief.

During this time distant family and friends come to visit or call the mourners to comfort them via "shiv'ah visits".

Commencing and calculating the seven days of mourning

If the mourner returns from the cemetery after the burial before sundown then the day of the funeral is counted as the first of the seven days of mourning. Mourning generally concludes in the morning of the seventh day. No mourning may occur on Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath), nor may the burial take place on Shabbat, but the day of Shabbat does count as one of the seven days. If a Jewish holiday occurs after the first day, that curtails the mourning period. If the funeral occurs during a festival, the start of the mourning period awaits the end of the festival.

Stages of mourning

First stage - aninut

Aninut is "[intense] mourning." An onen is considered to be in a state of total shock and disorientation. Thus the onen is not required (patur) from performing most mitzvot that require action such as making praying and making blessings, putting on Tefillin ("phylacteries"), or even tending for the funeral if there are others who can make the arrangements.

Aninut lasts until the burial is over, or if unable to attend the funeral, from the moment one is no longer involved with the funeral itself.

Second stage - avelut

Avelut ("mourning") is the official commencement of mourning following the completion of the burial when the mourners customarily go home and then do not leave home for a week to observe the shiva, conduct prayers at home with a minyan ("quorum"), commence the recitation of the Kaddish prayer for eleven months in synagogue, ending when exactly one year after the death, when the first Yahrtzeit is observed.

An avel("mourner") does not listen to music or go to concerts, and tries not to attend any joyous events or parties such as marriages, Bar or Bat mitzvahs unless absolutely necessary.

Third stage - shiv'ah

Main article: Shiv'ah

Shiv'ah (שבעה "seven") refers to the week-long period of grief and mourning for seven types of first-degree relatives: mother, father, sister, brother, wife or husband, or child. The shiv'ah ritual is referred to by English-speaking Jews as "sitting shiv'ah".

Immediately upon the burial of the departed, the first-degree relatives assume the status of avel ("mourner"). This state lasts for seven days, during which family members traditionally gather in one home and receive visitors.

If prayer services are organised in the house of mourning, it is customary for the family to lead the services themselves. It is considered a great mitzvah (religious act) of loving kindness and compassion to pay a home visit to the mourners. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation. The mourner is under no obligation to engage in conversation, and may in fact, completely ignore his visitors.

There are various customs as to what to say when taking leave of the mourner/s. One of the most common is to say to them:

Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch sha'ar avelei tzion viyerushalayim:

"May The Almighty (literally "The Place") comfort you among [all the] other mourner's for Zion and Jerusalem".

Depending on their community's customs, others may also add: "You should have no more tza'ar ("pain")" or "You should have only simchas ("happy events")" or "we should hear only good news (besorot tovot) from each other" or "I wish you long life".

Fourth stage - sheloshim

This refers to the thirty days (שלושים sheloshim) of mourning observed by the immediate family. During this time males do not shave. The mourner is forbidden to marry and to attend even a seudat mitzvah ("religious festive meal")

Fifth stage - shanah a year of mourning

The shanah (שנה "year") activity gradually returns to normal, although the mourners continue to recite the mourner's kaddish as part of synagogue services for eleven months for a parent, and there are restrictions on attending festive occasions and large gatherings, especially where live music is played. In many Orthodox communities, only men are encouraged to say the mourner's kaddish; and if there are no male relatives an unrelated male will often be contracted to say the Kaddish on behalf of the women.

Matzevah - Unveiling of the headstone

A headstone (tombstone) is known as a matzevah ("monument"). There are varying customs about when it should be placed at the head of the grave. Most communities have an unveiling ceremony a year after the death. Some communities have it earlier, even a week after the burial. There is no restriction about the timing, other than the unveiling cannot be held during certain periods such as Passover or Chol Ha'Moed.

At the ceremony, a cloth or shroud covering that has been placed on the headstone is removed, customarily by close family members.

Annual rememberances

Yahrzeit

Yahrzeit or Yohr Tzeit, יארצייט, means "Time (of) Year" in Yiddish [2]. The word is also used by non-Yiddish-speaking Ashkenazi Jews, and refers to the annual anniversary of the day of death of a relative. Yahrzeit comes from the German word Jahreszeit (meaning "time of year").

The commemoration is known in Ladino as nohala. It is widely observed, and based on the Jewish tradition that mourners are required to commemorate the death of a relative.

Mourners required to fulfill this observance are the children, siblings, spouses and parents of the deceased. The custom is first discussed in detail in Sefer HaMinhagim (pub. 1566) by Rabbi Isaac Tyrnau.

The date of the Yahrzeit is determined by the Hebrew calendar, and falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative's death.

The main halakhic obligation is to recite the mourner's version of the Kaddish prayer three times (evening, morning, and afternoon). (During the morning prayer service the mourner's Kaddish is recited at least four times.) As a widely practiced custom, mourners also light a special candle which burns for 24 hours, called a "Yahrzeit candle".

Lighting a yahrzeit candle in memory of a loved one is a minhag ("custom") which is deeply ingrained in Jewish life honoring the memory and souls of the deceased.

Some observe the custom of fasting on the day of the Yahrzeit. Among many Orthodox Jews it has become customary to make a siyum by completing a tractate of Talmud or a volume of the Mishnah on the day prior to the Yahrzeit, in the honor of the deceased. A halakha requiring a siyum ("celebratory meal"), upon the completion of such a study, overrides the requirement to fast.

Jewish mourners are required to commemorate the death of a first-relative: mother, father, brother, or sister. The main halakhic obligation is to recite the mourner's version of the Kaddish prayer at least three times Shacharit at morning services, Mincha athe afternoon services and Maariv at the evening services.

Many synagogues will have lights on a special memorial plaque on one of the synagogue's walls, with names of synagogue members who have passed away. Each of these lights will be lit for individuals on their Yahrzeit, and all the lights will be lit for a Yizkor service. Some synagogues will also turn on all the lights for memorial days, such as Yom Ha'Shoah.

Visiting the gravesite

Headstone in the "new Jewish section" of Oakland Cemetery in Atlanta, GA.

If possible, some have a custom to visit the cemetery on fast days (Shulchan Aruch Orach Chayim 559:10) and before Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (581:4, 605), and for a Yahrzeit.

Typically, even when visiting Jewish graves of someone you never knew, one would leave a small stone at the graveside. This shows that someone has visited, and represents "permanence". This is in stark contrast to the customs followed by many others of leaving flowers, which do not live long.

Memorial through prayer

Mourner's Kaddish

Main article: Kaddish

Kaddish Yatom (heb. קדיש יתום lit. "Orphan's Kaddish") or the "Mourner's" Kaddish, said at all prayer services, as well as at funerals and memorials. Customs for reciting the Mourner's Kaddish vary markedly among various communities. In most Ashkenazi synagogues, particularly Orthodox ones, it is customary that everyone in the synagogue stands. In Sephardi synagogues, the custom is that only the mourners themselves stand and chant, while the rest of the congregation sits, chanting only responsively.

Yizkor

Yizkor ("remembrance") prayers are recited by those that have lost either one or both of their parents. Those that do not recite the Yizkor prayers (as is the Ashkenazi custom) leave the synagagoue until the completion of Yizkor; the symbolic reason for this is to respect the life of one's living parents.

The Yizkor prayers are recited four times a year, and are intended to be recited in a synagogue with a minyan. These four Yizkor services are held on Yom Kippur, Shmini Atzeret, on the eighth day of Passover in most of the world (in Israel on the seventh), and on the second day of Shavuot (in Israel on the only day of Shavuot). In the Yizkor prayers God is asked to remember and grant repose to the souls of the departed.

Av HaRachamim

Main article: Av HaRachamim

Av Harachamim is a Jewish memorial prayer which was written in the late 11th or early 12th Century, after the destruction of the Ashkenazi communities around the Rhine River by Christian crusaders during the First Crusade.

Communal responses to death

Zihuy Korbanot Asson (ZAKA)

Main article: ZAKA

ZAKA (heb. זק"א abbr. for Zihuy Korbanot Asson lit. "Identifying Victims of Disaster" – חסד של אמת Hessed shel Emet lit. "True Kindness" – איתור חילוץ והצלה), is a community emergency response team in the State of Israel, officially recognized by the government. The organization was founded in 1989. Members of ZAKA, most of whom are Orthodox, assist ambulance crews, identify the victims of terrorism, road accidents and other disasters and, where necessary, gather body parts and spilled blood for proper burial. They also provide first aid and rescue services, and help with the search for missing persons.

Controversy following death

Donating organs

Being an organ donor is permitted according to all Jewish denominations once death has been clearly established, provided that instructions have been left in a written living will. Orthodox and Haredi Jews would consult their rabbis before making the final choice and decision.

Jewish view of cremation

Halakha (Jewish law), forbids cremation and holds that the soul of a cremated person cannot find its final repose in Olam Habah, and will not be redeemed.

From a philosophical and ritual standpoint, as with a geneza, Jews bury things as an honorable "internment," and would only burn things as a means of destruction.

The suicide

Judaism considers suicide to be a form of "self-murder" and thus a Jew who commits suicide is denied some important after-death privileges, such as absolutely no eulogies should be held for that person and burial is normally not allowed in the main section of the Jewish cemetery.

However, in recent times, most suicides are deemed to be the unfortunate victims of depression or of a serious mental illness and so therefore their act "self-murder" is not deemed to be a volunatry act of self-destruction but rather the result of an involuntary condition and they are therefore looked upon as having died of causes beyond their control.

Death of an apostate Jew

There is no mourning for an Apostate Jew according to Jewish law.

After death in Judaism

The afterlife according to Judaism

Main article: Jewish eschatology

The final redemption according to Judaism

Main article: Jewish Messiah

National days of remembrance

Tisha B'Av

Main article: Tisha B'Av

(Day of mourning for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem and other events.)

Fast of the First Born

Main article: Fast of the Firstborn

(Fast of gratitude for not dying during the Plague of the First Born.)

Yom Ha'Shoah

Main article: Yom HaShoah

(Holocaust Memorial Day.)

Yom Hazikaron

Main article: Yom Hazikaron

(Memorial Day for those who have died in defense of Israel.)

The Holocaust

Main article: The Holocaust

During the the Holocaust, massive crematoria were constructed and operated round-the-clock by the Nazis within their concentration and extermination camps to dispose of the bodies of thousands of Jews and others. The bodies of thousands of Jews were thus disposed of in a manner deeply offensive to Judaism. Since then, cremation has carried an extemely negative connotation for many Jews, even more so than it had previously.

See also

• The Five Stages of Grief that were defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying", (Macmillan Publishing Company, 1969) is similar to five stages of mourning in Jewish thought.

External links

• Chabad.org
• About.com
• Torah.org
• Jewish Encyclopedia article on Mourning
• The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning By Maurice Lamm