Marriage proposal

A "one-knee" proposal on the High Line in New York City

A yellow gold engagement ring set with a diamond, and a white gold wedding ring

A woodcut depicting a "one-knee proposal", Germany, 1815

A marriage proposal is an event where one person in a relationship asks for the other's hand in marriage. If accepted, it marks the initiation of engagement, a mutual promise of later marriage. It often has a ritual quality.

Traditional proposals

In some Western cultures it is traditional for the man to make a proposal to the woman directly while genuflecting in front of her. The ritual often involves the formal asking of the question "Will you marry me, ...?" and the presentation of an engagement ring. It may include him putting the ring on her finger.

Other customs of initiating a marriage may include formal introduction of the partners to each other, such as the Japanese traditional custom of Miai.

In many cultures it is traditional for a man to ask permission from a woman's father, in private, before proposing to her, or if her father has already died and she is still young, to ask permission of a near relation of hers. In earlier times, parental consent was necessary, if the man wanted to receive a dowry or other money, and fathers could refuse proposals from men whom they considered unsuitable as husbands for their daughters.

Although it is uncommon in the West these days, the parents of the couple may make a marriage arrangement, preceding or superseding the proposal. Arranged marriages were common between members of royal families throughout most of European history; such marriage contracts and proposals were made at great distances and often without first-hand contact between the parties prior to the engagement.

Modern Western proposals

Although most potential couples discuss their willingness to marry for a significant amount of time before a proposal occurs, and may schedule a specific time and place for the proposal to be made, it can also be intended as a surprise, although a survey on a wedding planning website reported that most proposals were not surprises.

Although some proposals have been filmed for social media, most wedding engagements now begin with a conversation in which the parties mutually agree to wed, rather than a staged event.

Result

The person who is asked may decline a proposal of marriage for any reason or no reason, and is not socially obligated to say what the reasons are. If the recipient accepts the proposal, she will typically assent to the proposer verbally.

The average duration of the preceding courtship varies considerably throughout the world, as does the time between the proposal and the wedding, if the proposal is accepted.

Gender roles

In Scotland, Ireland and England, 29 February in a leap year is said to be the one day when a woman can propose to her partner. Finland has the same custom, with the addition that a man rejecting such a proposal was expected to buy his suitor enough cloth for a skirt as compensation.

As a monarch, Queen Victoria had to propose to Prince Albert. Proposals by women have become more common in the English-speaking world in recent years, so jewelry companies have manufactured engagement rings for men. In the United States, about 5% of proposals are made by women. Younger people are less likely to approve of women proposing.

Many people in LGBTQ communities reject the idea of a formal marriage proposals because they view them as emphasizing cis-gendered and heterosexual norms and gender-based power imbalances.

References

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Further reading

• Davis, Ernest, ed. (2020). "Will You Marry Me?" Some First-Hand Accounts of Marriage Proposals, 1600-1900 (PDF).