Happy to review this. ceranthor 16:52, 10 September 2018 (UTC)
"who led the first human heart transplant procedure in India in 1968, the sixth in the world." - needs rephrasing for clarity; might help to split this part into two short sentences
"laying the foundations for aortic surgery in India" - "laying the foundations" is sort of a vague term for an encyclopedia article; what, concretely, did he do? Did he start training programs? Get more supplies for this procedure? Teach other surgeons how to carry out that surgery? The clearer, the better
"closed mitral valvotomy in 1952, within a year he repaired a coarctation of the aorta and by 1956 he had successfully attempted the first direct vision closure of an atrial septal defect. " - links would be helpful for some of these procedures if articles exist
Early life and education
"Prafulla Sen, popularly known as P. K. Sen, " - no mention of his middle name here?
"He had one sister and his father was a civil servant." - anything about his mother?
"He was educated at a public school in Jamtada, Bihar, " - through which year of his education?
"he achieved a distinction in surgery" - Is a "distinction" a degree? I think this needs to be rephrased if not
"Initially, he received aid from the Indian Council for Medical Research (ICMR)." - in what sense did he receive aid? financial aid? funding?
"He was frequently in dispute with the Bombay Municipal Corporation who were more concerned with providing for diseases of poverty and over population. " - seems like the sort of controversial dispute that should be cited at the end of the sentence
"into the rapidly growing and exciting arena of open heart surgery." - doesn't seem like encyclopedic language
"In 1949, following an application for a Rockefeller Foundation fellowship and the subsequent endorsement by Isidor Schwaner Ravdin" - cut out "the subsequent" and make it "and an endorsement..."
"at their request," - to whom does "their" refer to here?
"amidst the backdrop of racial unrest in the U.S. and an incident in which Sen was nearly barred from a hotel," - shame this is just mentioned. Are there more details about this? Sounds fascinating, and definitely worth fleshing out and describing in detail
"In addition, he visited London and Sweden" - one's a city; one's a country... where in Sweden did he go?
"Over the next fifteen years, he obtained another two travel fellowships to the U.S., with assistance from the Rockefeller foundation." - any idea if they had official names? or were they just rockefeller fellowships?
" director professor of surgery" - seems like you're missing the word "and" after "director"?
"In 1952, he was appointed to KEM Hospital as honorary surgeon, but soon left to take up the post of director professor of surgery at G.S. Medical College, the post he held until his retirement in 1973.
He initially worked in experimental and clinical research, but was later active in establishing postgraduate qualifications in cardiothoracic surgery during a period in which he also founded specialist departments at G.S. Medical college and the KEM Hospital, including gastrointestinal and hepatic surgery, sports medicine and oncology." - these sentences should be combined into one paragraph, and the second sentence should be split into two
"following the adaptation of American techniques and after 25 dog experiments," - can you elaborate on these dog experiments?
Why is aorta randomly capitalized and linked not at its first mention?
Same with "Aortitis and Aortic aneurysms." - why the random capitalization?
"(of Ogilvie syndrome)" - too informal, explain what he contributed explicitly
" heart-lung machines" - link this
" In 1962 following the death of a child whilst repairing a ventricular septal defect with the assistance of a heart- lung machine," - what does this have to do with the following part of the sentence??
"were able to breath after surgery " - "breathe", not "breath"
"All the dogs had survivals from 5 to 12 hours." - they only survived that long? That should be made more explicit
"The operation was not publicised as widely as previous heart transplants, particularly those of Barnard and Shumway." - the lay reader will not know about these, and you haven't mentioned them in the article before this as far as I can tell?
"and the recipient, a youth." - no comma needed here
"Severe pulmonary hypertension developed within a few hours of the operation and the recipient died within 14 hours." - need a comma before "and"
"His students included Sharad Panday, M. S. Valiathan and S. I. Padmavati and he maintained contact with heart surgeons outside India such as William Bigelow, Denton Cooley, Donald Ross, Norman Shumway and Demikhov." - same was above note (comma before and)
"He painted and wrote poetry. His paintings were displayed at one time in the United States, and twice in India." - any more info on this?
Death and legacy can be combined into this... don't think they are long enough for their own section
" The department of cardiothoracic surgery at KEM was founded by him and now bears his name. " - to avoid passive voice, better as "He founded the ..., which now bears his name"
"The Association of Surgeons of India" - "The" should not be capitalized as far as I can tell
"Dr P. K. Sen memorial Oration"" - don't need the quotation marks, and memorial should be capitalized
What makes these particular publications worthy of including here? What's the basis for these as opposed to others?
Prose needs a good amount of work. Can focus on comprehensiveness/reference comments after these are addressed. ceranthor 17:56, 13 September 2018 (UTC)
@Ceranthor: Hi, I need a week to work on this. Thank you. FitIndia 11:02, 16 September 2018 (UTC)
Sounds good. Please give me another ping when you're ready for me to reply/post any additional comments. ceranthor 20:21, 17 September 2018 (UTC)