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Apparently this is wrong, Picard didn't request her transfer - she made the choice on her own (obviously - it wouldn't be in his character to force someone in a situation like that)--IceHunter (talk) 08:23, 7 December 2007 (UTC)
I made some copyedits as I went, so please double-check my work to see that I haven't accidentally changed the meaning. A few points need to be clarified:
"He explains about the significance of the flute and the events he experienced as Kamin " --can this be explained in a sentence or two here to avoid a non-knowledgeable reader from having to click through for the full explanation?
Added a couple of lines to briefly cover it. Miyagawa (talk) 19:45, 22 January 2013 (UTC)
"Daren requests an officer transfer " -- where is she trying to transfer to? Off the ship?
Rearranged those related sentences so they should make more sense now. Miyagawa (talk) 19:45, 22 January 2013 (UTC)
"the firestorms are heading towards the outside" -- towards the outside of what?
Should have been "outpost" rather than "outside". Miyagawa (talk) 19:45, 22 January 2013 (UTC)
" before they can be retrieved" -- are there other people with Daren? The "they" is unclear here.
Reworded it in a couple of places to make it clear that Daren wasn't alone. Miyagawa (talk) 19:45, 22 January 2013 (UTC)
"in the line of duty" -- I'm not sure this quite the right phrase here. Perhaps just "in danger"?
Changed as suggested. Miyagawa (talk) 19:45, 22 January 2013 (UTC)
"to the final version of the script after Brannon Braga wished to avoid after recently working on another love story related script for "Aquiel"" -- this is unclear to me--what was Braga trying to avoid? who is Braga, anyway? I know I can click through, but better to give some context here.
It should be saying that he was avoiding trying to do the re-write and so they had to call in a non-staff writer to do it. Miyagawa (talk) 19:22, 22 January 2013 (UTC)
"but would be completely replaced by the time it reappears" -- this is missing a subject; right now the sentence says "The episode ... would be completely replaced." Would it be correct to say "the set" here?
I ended up doing a slight rephrase on the sentence in hindsight. Miyagawa (talk) 19:22, 22 January 2013 (UTC)
" in the subplot in Star Trek: Generations" -- what subplot is that