User talk:Kikichugirl

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WebPT article

Hi. I see that you've added the advert tag to the WebPT Wiki article I just posted. I really tried to put it in NPOV but obviously didn't succeed. Would you be willing to work with me to get it in NPOV? Or point out some things I can change? I would really appreciate it. Thank you. JNorman704 (talk) 22:55, 6 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi, WP:Words to watch may be of use to you, JNorman704. In particular, the article lists a bunch of potentially obscure/non-notable awards. Words such as "launched" and "fastest-growing" make it promotional. If someone thinks it's good, then you must say, "According to X, Y is true." Good luck, — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 20:57, 8 March 2015 (UTC)

Thanks so much for the input, kikichugirl. I will take a look at the words and revise the article accordingly. JNorman704 (talk) 19:41, 9 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi kikichugirl. I made some edits to the WebPT article per your suggestions and was wondering if you'd take another quick look? And if it looks good to you, would you consider removing the advert tag? I really appreciate your help. JNorman704 (talk) 00:20, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

In all honesty, JNorman704, I'd rather leave it up to an uninvolved editor to remove the tag, but in the meantime, your article kind of reads like a list of bulleted facts. I'd recommend expanding them more into prose or combining them so that it's more detailed about everything. I'm sorry I can't be of much help - advertisement tone is something that I sort of "sense" after some time on the site here, and after reading a lot of wikipedia's best articles. As a result of this sort of sniffing out I'm not very good at advising you on how to fix it either. Actually, might I suggest that... If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 07:31, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

OK, thanks kikichugirl for all your guidance.JNorman704 (talk) 19:37, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Formal tone isssue in Article

Hi Kikichugirl,

I appreciate your review on my article https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Jason_Kothari . However, I could not clearly understand the style and tone error message from you. I did check the link provided for the same but not familiar with most of it.

Request you to please help me fix this.

Look forward to your revert.

Best Manjeet — Preceding unsigned comment added by Manjeetcare (talk • contribs) 05:07, 8 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi, the language you used is pretty promotional in nature. In particular, it lauds his many achievements and is almost like he's being self-aggrandizing. Wikipedia isn't a place to brag about someone being great. In fact, one should note that everything must be a dry analysis of a person. Language such as "led the acquisition out of bankruptcy" is pretty promotional. Words to watch and WP:FLOWERY may help you fix the tone. Good luck. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 20:57, 8 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi Kikichugirl,

As per you instruction I have toned down the article and removed all the promotional point except facts and figures appeared on reputed publications.

Let me know if there is anything else you want me to work on.

Look forward to your approval and guidance.

Thanks, Manjeet — Preceding unsigned comment added by Manjeetcare (talk • contribs) 16:46, 9 March 2015 (UTC)

@Manjeetcare: I'm sorry to decline it again, but it's still too promotional. In particular, it's still kind of making him look like a saint of sorts. Take a look at some featured articles for examples, perhaps. Good luck! — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 08:51, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

@Kikichugirl: I understand, guidelines are meant to be followed. However, please give a look to the revised version. Thanks, Manjeeet

Hi Kikichugirl,

Hope you're doing well. i was wondering if you can give a look to the amended article. Hope this time I'll not disappoint you. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Manjeetcare (talk • contribs) 04:21, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

@Manjeetcare: Thanks for your persistence and hard work, I understand that Wikipedia can be a complicated place to navigate! Unfortunately... It's still too promotional in my opinion, and I'm not sure about notability. A third opinion would be nice - maybe the wonderful people like primefac or Lixxx235 can help us out here. In the meantime, consider breaking your article into sections. What is the guy's early life? what about his personal life? his impact? and another section about his company? It seems like he's only notable for being the managing partner of the comapny, which isn't really ideal. Have you taken a look at some of wikipedia's best articles? They're all pretty neutral and dry. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 07:38, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

header added

Thanks for your help. I trimmed down the longer summary I wrote on the original submission which was rejected, and input it back in. I added more information regarding the themes to give the summary more substance.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Confessions_of_Sylva_Slasher

This has taken me a very long time to complete as it is very, very confusing to get everything correct. I am truly lost, and have no idea what to do to make it acceptable, but I am open for suggestions.

kk — Preceding unsigned comment added by Kristophkincaid (talk • contribs) 05:57, 8 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi, Kristophkincaid, and welcome! Sorry you've been having trouble. I should have been more clear. In particular, the length of the plot summary before I declined it was better than it is right now. The problem is that the article is still mostly plot summary and characters. What about the reviews? The impact? the history? the writing and ideas for its conception? There are so many other things you could write about in an article about a novel that isn't just a plot summary :) Maybe you could see some of wikipedia's best articles for inspiration. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 21:19, 8 March 2015 (UTC)

Hello Kikichugirl! Wow, thanks for getting back to me on: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Confessions_of_Sylva_Slasher

I think you will see that I have used your suggestions wisely. Thank you so very much for sending me in the right direction. Cheers. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Kristophkincaid (talk • contribs) 05:37, 9 March 2015 (UTC)

@Kristophkincaid: Tokyogirl's comments on your decline notice explained it better than I ever could have. Good luck, — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 08:46, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

Thanks, Kikichugirl. Tokyogirl's comments made me realize that the more I tried to stick to the suggestions all the editors made, the more I got away from what everyone wanted and what Wikipedia requires. This novel was good but not worth any more of my time, as I see this author is truly not noteworthy, at least not for the time being. Thanks so very much for all the time and effort. You are the best! Have a wonderful week.

kk Kristophkincaid (talk) 11:29, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

Kristophkincaid, yes, Wikipedia can be a difficult place to navigate. It is for that reason why creating an article as the very first thing you do isn't always recommended, because learning all those policies at once can be a hassle. Would you consider joining a project like WP:WikiProject Novels? More and more help is appreciated and you seem like a wonderful person who would do good work when you know policy. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 07:41, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

G. Marius Clore draft - comments

Hi - I'm not involved with AfC at all and I've forgotten how I noticed Draft:G. Marius Clore, which you just declined a little while ago. Just wanted to comment that, while the article is a bit too CV-like, Clore is in fact a highly influential scientist in his field and the "works" section of the current article is essentially accurate, even if it sounds rather puffed-up. I left a note on the article creator's talk with some suggestions, but IMO this article would be better served in mainspace where editors who know the field could notice and improve it. Opabinia regalis (talk) 23:11, 8 March 2015 (UTC)

The article has been resubmitted, so I won't decline it again, Opabinia regalis even if i see it again. You're welcome to accept it yourself, too, but accepting an article carries a certain amount of responsibility and in my opinion the article currently has too high of a chance of going to AfD which would confuse the newbie. I hope you understand, but please feel free to accept it. Otherwise, another reviewer will come along shortly. Thanks! — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 02:07, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Thanks for the reply. Knowing nothing about AfC, I wasn't sure if manual moves messed up the seemingly complex AfC scripts, but since apparently this is a "done thing" I went ahead and accepted this. You never know what someone might try to AfD, but the outcome isn't in doubt; Clore is a 2014 US National Academy of Sciences inductee, which is something that doesn't happen without meeting WP:PROF a dozen times over. Opabinia regalis (talk) 05:31, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

Draft: Jim Truscott

Hello Kikichugirl,

Thank you for reviewing the draft article: Jim Truscott

To resubmit the article again, you mention that the language need to be more neutral. I would appreciate any comments that you have to make abut the relevant sections that need revising.

Many thanks

Stephen Truscott stephen.truscott@fullnessoflife.org

PS I hope I am writing this in the right section!

Stephen Truscott (talk) 03:59, 9 March 2015 (UTC)

@Stephen Truscott: In short, remove the constant achievement display- Wikipedia is not a place to put resumes. See WP:ADV, WP:NPOV. Thanks, --L235 (t / c / ping in reply) 04:34, 9 March 2015 (UTC)

Hello Kikichugirl,

I have revised the draft and welcome your comment.

Thanks

Stephen — Preceding unsigned comment added by Stephen Truscott (talk • contribs) 14:27, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi, Stephen Truscott, I've left my replies on the draft itself, please take a look! — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 07:50, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Hello Kikichugirl,

I have enedeavoured to make the article more concise as you suggest. I welcome your comment.

Thanks

Stephen Stephen Truscott (talk) 23:40, 16 March 2015 (UTC)

Hello, thanks for your helpful suggestions. I have made some alterations to the draft Jim Truscott article and welcome your coments. Stephen Truscott (talk) 08:06, 21 March 2015 (UTC)

05:41:17, 10 March 2015 review of submission by Krystel Espiritu

• Krystel Espiritu (talk · contribs)
  • Draft:Hassan's Optician Co. (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

Hello @Kikichugirl:, Could you help me understand which part of my article reads like an advertisement or promotional? I've re-written my article several times trying to be as descriptive as possible and making sure I have as much information about the company through the sources referred within my draft. I've not mentioned any praises, famous brands they sell nor have I stated any locations of the showrooms - all better stated in their websites so I've been told.

I really would like to publish my article and your assistance would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, Krystel Espiritu (talk)

@Krystel Espiritu:(talk page stalker) Thanks for inquiring. Bluntly, the whole article is promotional, starting from the first sentence, where you immediately start with "first officially approved optician store", and carries through the whole draft, where you go on and on with statements such as "first official approved optician in Kuwait, licensed by the Department of Health", that while factually correct are inherently slanted, and tone such as "Dr. Hassan recalls "To polish the lenses, we hooked up an old car starter-motor to a car wheel, and as it rotated we used sand from the beach as an abrasive with which to grind the glass" which would be good for a recruitment statement but is not encyclopedic. Hope this helps, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 01:33, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

@Lixxx236: "first officially approved optician store" I wanted to get that out there because it is why I wanted to write about them and why I thought the company was significant, but I can see your point on how I went a lil too far with the first this, first that, etc and quote by Dr. Hassan and Have tweaked it a bit and was hoping if you could check it out and share with me your thoughts once again because I genuinely trust your criticism.

Also regarding that statement again I have documents and the scanned certificate/license of it, can that be enough of a reference/source? Could I upload it on wikicommon and use it as such? It has the number on itself stating it was the first given by the Department of Health and I have pictures of the event which are PD from the company's archive, there was tv/news coverage which was before I was even born but I can get the exact time, tv studio and name of the people involved, if needed - Can this be a good enough source/reference?

Thank you again for your help, Krystel Espiritu (talk)

@Krystel Espiritu:(talk page watcher) Sentences and articles that are well sourced and factually correct can still have a very promotional tone. Also, taking a look at the article, the lead section now really tells me nothing. That is, if I were reading the article, I would be wondering "What is Hassan's Optician Co.? Is it an eyeglass service? Is it an eye testing facility?" I am also concerned that the sources shown do not show that the subject is notable. The subjects of Wikipedia articles must be notable, and as per Wikipedia's notability guideline on corporations, An organization is generally considered notable if it has been the subject of significant coverage in reliable, independent secondary sources. Going through the sources one by one, the first source looks good, the second is primary and therefore doesn't count towards notability, ditto for the third, fifth, and seventh, I can't find where it mentions "Hassan's" in the forth and sixth, the eighth looks to be an interview and therefore primary and does not count towards notability, and ditto for the ninth. Cheers, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 18:57, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

@Lixxx235: Thank you for your patience with me; 3rd source was not an interview it was a case study done by Superbrands which was later on published on their magazine, 4th source was from the Kuwait Times newspaper and if you have flipped through to the 4th page you'd have seen an article written about them and a quote on how they were claimed to be the only optical store in Kuwait before. 7th source is from Bazaar Magazine in which they described a notable event of receiving ISO:9001 certificate (There were newspaper articles for this event as well) and the 6th well is about Eye boutique but again an interview but I can get another reference and Khaleej Times newspaper is about the Dervision Dubai coming into partnership with Hassan's opticain co Kuwait, I have other sources I'm trying to track down - Television coverage on when/how they got they're licenses and how they got approved by the department of health as well as a documentary about the company. - could finding those help me publish this?

Krystel Espiritu (talk)

Articles for creation: Conscience: Taxes for Peace not War

@Kikichugirl:

Hi there :)

I noticed you rejected my submission Conscience: Taxes for Peace not War. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Conscience:_Taxes_for_Peace_not_War

A previous user Tokyogirl79, had similar concerns and I thought I dealt with her concerns (the Recent Activity section).

Could you please point out exactly, which parts of the article need to be changed to be accepted? :)

Your help would be much appreciated :)

Thank you

ZRay22 (talk) 11:06, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

@ZRay22:(talk page watcher) Thanks for your note. Every part of the article must be as neutral as possible. That means that you cannot throw in a section that looks to contain a couple of neutral paragraphs and say that the whole article is now neutral. To editor Kikichugirl: This is one that probably requires your direct attention; can you elaborate on why you declined this one? --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 01:59, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Well, I guess it doesn't look too bad. Lixxx235, if you want to accept it, go ahead, I've no objections. Alternatively, ZRay22, I will accept it on your understanding that if someone objects to the tone, you understand that they could take it to deletion processes or list it for maintenance. Does that sound acceptable to you? — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 07:54, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

@Kikichugirl:

Hi :)

I hope I am doing this right as I don't seem to have gotten the hang of communication on Wikipedia : )

I am happy to accept it on the understanding that if someone objects to the tone, I understand that they could take it to deletion processes or list it for maintenance. If any issues are flagged up again, and somebody makes a specific complaint about the page, I'm happy to deal with those as they come.

What would happen next?

ZRay22 (talk) 15:19, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

I've now accepted it. --L235 (t / c / ping in reply) 22:48, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

Request on 11:20:46, 10 March 2015 for assistance on AfC submission by Rationalcurve

• Rationalcurve (talk · contribs)
  • User:Rationalcurve (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

Dear Kikichugirl,

I wrote a short article yesterday. The link is below: [1]

You may also look at another page which already exists in wiki:fujita conjecture

Compare these two, you will find I have provided a very exhaustive description on this theorem. And two references are also given.

In general, no people will watch my page (contraction theorem) except someone really interested in this field. Like the Fujita conjecture I support to you, we don't need to give some context you required, since the one will watch this page won't need to any context, one just want to know what exactly the Castelnuovo's contraction theorem is.

The motivation is [2].

Thanks and best regards,

rationalcurve Rationalcurve (talk) 11:20, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

@Rationalcurve:(talk page watcher) Hi Rationalcurve, and welcome to Wikipedia. Generally, articles must start with (something) is (short description); for example, in the article you mentioned, it begins: Fujita's conjecture is a problem in the theories of algebraic geometry..., while your draft does not provide any such context. Also, the article you mentioned as an example is a poor example at best. You may want to take a look at Wikipedia's best articles and base your draft on those. Before resubmitting, be sure you're aware of Wikipedia's general notability guideline. Thanks. --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 19:36, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

12:39:56, 10 March 2015 review of submission by JasH23

• JasH23 (talk · contribs)
  • User:JasH23/sandbox (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

Hi! I'm writing to ask about the submission decline of the draft in my sandbox. I have edited the introduction as suggested by the previous reviewer. I'm still not sure why it is seen as an advertisement. All I hoped for is to make an English version of the French article here: https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stibo_Systems Could you tell me which parts you think should be edited again? JasH23 (talk) 12:39, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

@JasH23:(talk page watcher) First, thanks for your work translating. The entire article seems like an advertisement to me; words like "leader" without being qualified with a statement such as "According to" are a good place to start editing, and simply listing achievements is against Wikipedia's Neutral Point of View policy. Be aware that the different language Wikipedias may have (sometimes drastically) different policies and it is needed to read them for each version of each Wikimedia project. Thanks, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 19:07, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

New version of Draft:TINA_(program) article

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:TINA_(program)

Hi Kikichugirl

Following your suggestions, I've added more and new up-to-date references, extended the text and tried to improve the Info box. May I ask what your opinion is about my article now?

Best regards

Tengelic Tengelic (talk) 13:32, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

To editor Kikichugirl: Looks like this is one which needs your direct attention. --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 19:09, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Draft:Bill Carrothers updated

I see that you're busy, just wanted to let you know I made the changes you requested to my AfC submission Draft:Bill Carrothers. Thanks for your input! Sunspot Soldier (talk) 14:22, 10 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi Sunspot Soldier, your draft is looking pretty good, but there's a small issue with too many links. First, based on the quantity of letters before each reference, you're bordering on needless repetition, especially for a draft that is (essentially) one paragraph long. Second, the biography is largely a "Carrothers played with X," bordering on promotional/advertisement language (never mind the fact that all those blue wikilinks make it very hard to read the page). Listing every musician he's played with is probably a bit excessive (plus, that's what the discography is for). Once you've cleaned it up a bit, drop me a note and I'll be happy to give feedback. Primefac (talk) 23:16, 10 March 2015 (UTC) (talk page stalker)

Thanks for the suggestions, Primefac, I've tried to eliminate needless repetition and removed the more obvious wikilinks (most people know what France is), but I've maintained the list of significant musicians (from different genres and locales) this artist has played with as it helps to establish his credentials and connections. These are people who are not represented in the discography because he performed live with them, he did not record with them (and it is a sampling, not a comprehensive list). They are still wikilinked as is typical among jazz musician's biography articles on Wikipedia. I also changed the name of the one paragraph Biography to "Career" since it doesn't contain much personal information, and I moved the more general comments re: his influences and performing style to the top of the page. I appreciate the input. Since I've mostly edited existing articles, there are a lot of guidelines I haven't picked up on. Sunspot Soldier (talk) 15:59, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Sunspot Soldier, hopefully you can see why I made that comment, as it is loads more readable with the references trimmed down. I've accepted the article as it's definitely ready for the mainspace, but feel free to keep improving it. Good job! Primefac (talk) 16:08, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Primefac Thanks very much! Sunspot Soldier (talk) 16:11, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Draft:Neeraj Mehta Updated

This is in reference to my Article https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Neeraj_Mehta . Thanks for your fast review. I have updated my submission. I would appreciate if you have a look — Preceding unsigned comment added by Neeraj Mehta123 (talk • contribs) 09:27, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Neeraj Mehta123, as you have probably seen from the most recent decline notice, your draft is lacking inline citations (also called footnotes). These are vital in a biography of a living person in order to avoid any libelous claims. See WP:REFB for information about adding footnotes. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. Primefac (talk) 16:00, 11 March 2015 (UTC) (talk page stalker)

Draft:Arthur_Obermayer

Hi --

I'm responding to your review of Draft:Arthur_Obermayer (I hope I did the link correctly for you). You commented that you felt it read more like an advertisement. Without understanding specifically why you made tht comment, I have reworked much of the submission. Does this comply? — Preceding unsigned comment added by Blsolbjor (talk • contribs) 14:28, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

@Blsolbjor:(talk page watcher) Hi, and thanks for your work and the major changes you've made since the decline. Looking at this from fresh eyes, here are some of the issues I see, in the order that I see them, on the current draft:

• "serial entrepreneur" is not a commonly used term, a more neutral term would be simply "entrepreneur".
• The entire lead section is unsourced. This is generally not a good thing, and especially not for living people, per Wikipedia's policy on biographies of living people.
• The sentence He has had a leading role in activities related to small high-tech businesses, government policy, international relations, family and community history, internet strategies, and technological innovation screams "promotion" to me. Vague, subjective terms such as "leading role" and PR words such as "innovation" are definitely no-nos, and at this point, if I were the reviewer, I'd probably have declined the submission without reading further. However, I'm going to continue with my observations.
• The Early Years section isn't as bad as the above, though it's still promotional.
• The next section is quite troublesome. As above, avoid words such as outgrowth. Moving into the paragraph, "sponsored" is a hugely open-ended term that is usually used in PR- not cool. Words like "competitive" and "extraordinary contributions" should also go.

At this point, I think you can get a pretty good idea of at least one category of issues with this draft. The standard commonly used when determining neutrality is this: "would the company's worst enemy find it neutral"? Hope this clears it up a bit. If you have any questions, please feel free to leave another note. Thanks, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 19:23, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Draft: Smarsh

Hi there,

I was hoping to get more information about my recent submission: Draft:Smarsh

External link: https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Draft:Smarsh&direction=next&oldid=650201036

You cited the need for more third-party sources as the reason it was declined. Can you specify which references aren't third-party? Portland Business Journal, Oregon Business, Inc.com and Deloitte are independent publications and aren't associated with Smarsh.

Thanks much! Lisa Peyton — Preceding unsigned comment added by Lisapeyton (talk • contribs)

@Lisapeyton:(talk page stalker) Hi, Lisa, and thanks for your draft. From a quick glance at the sources, most/all of them appear to be "top 100" lists or the like. The general notability guideline states, If a topic has received significant coverage in reliable sources that are independent of the subject, it is presumed to be suitable for a stand-alone article or list. Being listed in a top 100 list or similar is not considered "significant coverage", and therefore you need more and better sources. Thanks, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 19:28, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Request on 20:02:25, 11 March 2015 for assistance on AfC submission by Freshy4321

• Freshy4321 (talk · contribs)
  • User:Freshy4321 (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

Hi Kikichugirl,

Thank you for reviewing the page that I am working on: yourmembership.com.

I would like to know what additional information I can add or remove in order to improve the article. I modeled the page closely to other software companies like Sage Group and Cvent because I thought that would be the best way to ensure that it wasn't a promotional post.

Your guidance would be appreciated.

Thanks, Freshy4321 Freshy4321 (talk) 20:02, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

Freshy4321 (talk) 20:02, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

@Freshy4321:(talk page watcher) Thanks for the message. One of the biggest concerns (and this wasn't mentioned directly in the decline, but I feel this takes precedence over the advert decline) is that I don't see any indication that yourmembership.com is notable. The thing is, notability is a property of article topics, not of articles. Nothing you can do to an article will make a subject notable, you can merely show that the subject is notable through the inclusion of references to coverage in independent sources. See WP:GNG, and if you still feel that yourmembership.com is notable, come back here and we'll discuss the promotional tone. Thanks, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 20:11, 11 March 2015 (UTC)

@Lixxx235: Thank you for reviewing the profile. I feel that the YourMembership.com entry is notable because the software is used by over 20 million users. Additionally, the organization has a global footprint with offices in the US, UK and soon to be opened in Australia. Freshy4321 (talk) 20:10, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Freshy4321, yes that may be a sign that they are notable, however Wikipedia's notability guideline is pretty specific to Wikipedia itself. Specifically, you need to have it be mentioned by published sources independent of the subject. See WP:42. If you cannot demonstrate notabilty, then it is usually grounds for deletion. WP:NCORP may be of use. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 20:23, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Deborah Valdez - Hung

Hi Kikichugirl,

Can you tell us in specific which sentence/s in this article need to be improved and how the wordings we use are not in the formal tone expected of an encyclopedia article?

Your advice is highly appreciated!

King Louis XIII Macau Deborah Valdez - Hung (talk) 03:18, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

@Deborah Valdez - Hung:(talk page watcher) First, who is "we"? It is not allowed for different people to ever use a single Wikipedia account. Now, assuming you're referring to Draft:Deborah Valdez-Hung, the article does not appear to be written in high-quality English. It is quite short and is very promotional, which is not allowed. Further, the sources don't appear to show notability. If you have further questions, feel free to leave another note. --L235 (t / c / ping in reply) 21:06, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

Help on article

Good Day!

I would like to know which parts of the 8Layer Technologies sound like an advertisement so I could make the necessary changes.

Thanks — Preceding unsigned comment added by Bluespear (talk • contribs) 05:05, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

@Bluespear: Per the editnotice, please provide a link. --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 21:08, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

Draft:Mona Bijoor

Hi Kikichugirl, I was wondering if you could take a look at this draft for me. You rejected it once and the author improved the references and re-submitted it. The person who reviewed it the second time declined it for the same reason. However, looking at the sources it seems that there is some extensive coverage about the person, and seems to me that it is plenty to pass WP:GNG. I'm afraid we may be biting a newcomer, who seems to have put together a decent article. Maybe I'm wrong and my standards for new articles isn't high enough, but wanted a second opinion. Thanks! -War wizard90 (talk) 06:23, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

To editor Kikichugirl:(talk page watcher) Looks like this is one you need to answer yourself, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 21:12, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi War wizard90, I am aware that my standards for AfC accepts are exceedingly high. That being said, I declined it because some of the sources weren't really indepth enough, however, you're welcome to accept it; I would not object if you did. Please understand that when I accept an article I promise to defend it at AfD/assure the newbie that it will not go to AfD, and sometimes there are entries which fall into a gray area that I'm not really sure if I should take that responsibility. Thanks for the feedback! — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 00:31, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Thanks for responding, just to be clear, I understood why you initially rejected it, I was just wondering if you agree with the second reject by another user, or if you thought the new sources were enough to establish notability. I do understand why you would want to have higher standards at AfC to avoid an article you approved going to AfD, I hadn't really thought about that aspect of it, so maybe I should just mind my business. I haven't been involved much in AfC before. -War wizard90 (talk) 06:09, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Request on 09:47:12, 12 March 2015 for assistance on AfC submission by Laoswikiedit

Hi Kikichugirl, I do not really understand your issues regarding Draft:Wolfram Wöß, so I picked out the three points you criticized and explained my point of view.

1. Advertisement: I can not follow this point. The article simply summarizes the projects I lead and workshops I chaired - what else should one include in an article about a professor and researcher? Comparing it to articles with other researchers, they look similar in my opinion.
2. Neutral point of view: The article consists basically of facts about projects, workshops and research done. Everything cited by external sources. What is missing/too much to be not neutral?
3. Reliable sources: Are the official website of the Johannes Kepler University Linz, their research documentation (FoDoK) and their research magazine (Univariationen) not reliable? What is with Links to several Conferences (DEXA, DAWAK)? What do you miss? Should I exclude my personal website?

Kind regards, Wolfram Wöß

Laoswikiedit (talk) 09:47, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

To editor Kikichugirl:(talk page watcher) Looks like this is one you need to answer yourself, --L235 (alt / t / c / ping in reply) 21:12, 12 March 2015 (UTC)

Laoswikiedit, the thing is, your lead is gigantic, and then the rest of your sections are only links to other places and whatnot. As a result, it's easy to focus on that contribution list taking up an entire section, which makes it look less neutral. While your sources may not be inherently unreliable, you should look for third-party sources that establish notability. I hope that helps. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 08:00, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Draft:Laguna Bay

Hi Kikichugirl, you recently review my article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Laguna_Bay Would you be able to give me specific areas that do not fit the criteria? I would like to get posted ASAP. Thanks for your help thus far, much appreciated! Lbjkm (talk) 00:58, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi, Lbjkm, the thing is, this article reads like it's a Who's Who about a company. It lists a bunch of personnel and what they do. What about the history of the company? its impact? what it's known for? I find it hard to believe that 50% of what's important about this article is their founding partners. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 08:00, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

Thanks, and thanks.

Thanks for deleting my mess. And thanks for Fear, on your profile page. I'm always looking for someone new to read, and I think she is an excellent candidate. Rags (talk) 01:27, 15 March 2015 (UTC)

Help me!

I moved moved page User:Davidestone2015/sandbox to Draft:Stephen J. Kaltenbach, and after I did, a bunch of cite errors appeared and I can't get revert to get rid of them! I'm afraid I may have corrupted something and lost citations I picked out you to ask for help from because you seem to have reviewed this draft before, and because WP:AFC appears to be your specialty. --Mr. Guye (talk) 04:16, 15 March 2015 (UTC)

@Mr. Guye: Thanks, yeah, it's just what I'm focusing on the moment. Per the revision history, I think it was always like this (though I'm not sure how I missed it when I was declining it. Even before reflinks was used, it was already kind of broken? Did reverting to pre-reflinks help? I'm not really sure what to do here other than to just manually clean it up when I have the time. Best, — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 06:08, 15 March 2015 (UTC)

15:14:47, 15 March 2015 review of submission by 85.97.46.10

• 85.97.46.10 (talk · contribs)
  • Draft:Shalini Mahtani (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

This is my first wikipedia article and I would like to know on what specific grounds my article on Shalini Mahtani was blocked from submission. I have reviewed the criteria for 'persons of note': it would appear that the person in question meets the criteria based off of the notability of her work in Asia and also the accolades she has received (MBE from the Queen, her recognition as one of the 35 most important female leaders below the age of 35)." Does the problem lay in the tone of the article or rather the article's references? Thanks very much for your help.

85.97.46.10 (talk) 15:14, 15 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi IP the issue is really in the tone. It reads like a list of accomplishments, and it's not neutral. WP:NPOV and WP:FLOWERY may be links that are of use to you. Try toning it down and just talking about what she's done in a way that leads readers to conclude that she's important, not telling everyone "Look she's important, she's awesome, she's done all of this!" I hope this helps. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 21:40, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

Removal of impediments in the biographical article " Choudhary Fateh Ali Sarwari Kasana " for final selection to the Wikpedia Articles Section

Please, refer to the above wiki link which is concerning biographical article on Choudhary Fateh Ali Sarwari Kasana. Kikichugirl. I want to thank you for reviewing my article twice though it has not yet been considered for selection to the Wikipedia articles section. I need to apprise you that I have made several changes in terms of the vocabulary and get up to give the article a formal expression as advised by you. Even, the expressions that appeared like peacock expressions have been removed. Tis personality undoubtedly, holds a prominent position in the literary, cultural, socio-political of Gurjar Community in India and such deserves to be included in Wikipedia Articles Section. There are abundance of referable genuine sources such as books, journals, magazines, provided by me to prove that this personality certainly lived an acknowledgeable life. As such, I reuest you to kindly review the article once again and settle it once for all for its final passage to Wikipedia articles section. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Zafarkasana (talk • contribs)

Hi Zafarkasana, please remember to sign your posts, provide clickable wikilnks without submitting my entire talk page for review, and avoid promotional language, even when talking about someone to me. To put it simply, your article right now is a wall of text. It's hard to figure out what it's even talking about. Take a look at WP:Cheatsheet and learn to break your article into sections, and then we can talk about the definitely-promotional tone. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 21:45, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

• I've changed these to "no wiki" markup since your talk page was showing up on the AfC "to be reviewed" list. I'd originally just removed these so they wouldn't cause your talk page to show up as a "to be reviewed" submission, but that was reverted. 199.87.130.130 (talk) 05:30, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

Thanks IP, but I think I'm going to delete them anyway, since you shouldn't have been reverted. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 21:44, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

Request on 12:28:03, 17 March 2015 for assistance on AfC submission by CAPIEL PG1

• CAPIEL PG1 (talk · contribs)
  • User:CAPIEL PG1 (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

The article, see the link below, was declined a second time.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Electric_motor_efficiency

As declared from the auditor:" Kikichugirl " the article has to be written in a neutral position and secondary, reliable sources have to be used as Reference. these references are given on the following website and this are neutral positions:

       http://www.ebpg.bam.de/de/produktgruppen/ener11motor.htm
       http://capiel.eu/data/Journal_CAPIEL_MOTEUR-2_EN.pdf.
      copyright information: parts of this article are taken from this website.

please give me some support and help how to write in a neutral way and to use reliable sources as reference. Thanks Capiel PG1

CAPIEL PG1 (talk) 12:28, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi, CAPIEL PG1, you need to write your article in a way that isn't an essay. That's the thing. It should be a concisely written article with information about the topic, and not overly rambling. Maybe WP:Words to watch will be of use? If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 21:50, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

AfC Submission - Small Luxury Hotels of the World

Hi Kikichugirl

Thank you for the super quick review of the following AfC submission.

Draft - Small Luxury Hotel of the World

This is the second time this has been declined. And on both occasions it states that the article isn't written in neutral points of view, should refer to a range of independent, reliable, published sources and about verifiability and the notability of the subject.

From what I can see on other similar pages the tone is quite neutral and we have referred to third party sources for each of the section/data point in the article. Im not too sure about the notability but this is big, reputed and noteworthy company/brand that has won awards in the travel sector many times and has hotels around the globe.

Please help me with the article - how can I improve it and is there anything I should add or delete. Do you think adding the entire list of 520 hotels like this article The_Leading_Hotels_of_the_World will help?

Please help me.

Thank you. — Preceding unsigned comment added by 212.161.6.58 (talk) 12:57, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

No, adding the list of 520 hotels would make it more promotional. But your article is still pretty short, which would make it hard to demonstrate notability. The problem with the tone is that right now it reads like "A brief history of the company" that investors would be interested in. Maybe for comparable articles, take a look at WP:FA. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 22:03, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

Thank you for your help. I am not adding the list of hotels. Do you think adding a section on the awards SLH has won would look promotional as well?

I completely understand your point. But from what I can see and understand, I have used a neutral tone. Investors wouldn't need to look at a Wikipedia page to make their investing decision. They will look for more complex data and trustworthy financials, isn't it? There isn't much more relevant information to add to make it more 'encyclopaedic' without making it further promotional. I have added a section on Charity Partnerships that it hink is relevant. And added a sentence here and there. Hope this is looking better and get accepted. Really this isn't a promotional exercise and a creative and loved travel brand like SLH deserves to have a wiki page. Thank you once again for all your help and support. Firdaushaque (talk) 16:06, 23 March 2015 (UTC)

Draft:Retroscreen Virology Group plc

Hi Kikichugirl, thank you reviewing my article here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Retroscreen_Virology_Group_plc - I have now added four more citations to the article that establish more notability for Retroscreen Virology to be included on Wikipedia. The citations are verifiable and from independent, third-party and reliable third-party sites such as the The Independent newspaper, the Daily Telegraph and The London Evening Standard. I have also thanks to another Wiki reviewer's suggestion and taken the external link off 'Retroscreen' which was hyperlinked. Hope this better meets the Wiki criteria. Thanks again. — Preceding unsigned comment added by TwickenhamMan (talk • contribs) 22:26, 17 March 2015 (UTC)

(talk page stalker)Looks like an ad to me, try writing it with less POV.Clubjustin3 (talk) 05:38, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi TwickenhamMan, please take a look at WP:Words to watch and WP:NPOV. Specifically, while the group may be notable, it reads like a company's About Us page. Try toning down its awesomeness (show not tell), including more references (some paragraphs are completely unsourced), writing it less like a bullet-type thing, and maybe take a look at some of Wikipedia's best articles for ideas. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. — kikichugirl ^oh hello! 22:13, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

08:18:09, 19 March 2015 review of submission by Bundeskulturstiftung

• Bundeskulturstiftung (talk · contribs)
  • Draft:German Federal Cultural Foundation (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

Dear Kikichugirl,

thanks for reviewing the draft for the wikipedia article about the German Federal Cultural Foundation.

I saw that you reclined the draft - as I would still like to pursue the idea of having an article about the Foundation in the english Wikipedia, could you tell me what to change and to improve to realize this?

The Foundation is a 100% government-financed non-profit institution to promote culture&arts. Funding is also open to foreigners as well as international projects like TURN - a Fund for Artistic Cooperation between Germany and African Countries - are directly supporting projects abroad. http://www.kulturstiftung-des-bundes.de/cms/en/programme/Afrika/turn.html

To especially create awareness of these funding chances for foreigners and to provide reliable information about the Foundation, it would be perfect to have an english wikipedia article similar to the german one. https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kulturstiftung_des_Bundes

I understand the problems of verifiability and notability, but I think in the case of the Federal Cultural Foundation those problems can be solved. As user Sam Tailor also stated, notability is existent: Comment: Undoubtedly notable, we just need some references to good sources to verify it. -- Sam Sing! 03:55, 25 February 2015 (UTC)

After including citations to reliable sources - what else can I do to improve the article?

Please also see examples of other international funding institutions: Arts Council Norway and Swedish Arts Council

Thank you very much in advance!

Bundeskulturstiftung (talk) 08:18, 19 March 2015 (UTC)

Bundeskulturstiftung, the issue is not necessarily your sources (though you could use a few more for the unsourced paragraphs), but the tone of the article (it's a bit promotional). Phrases like "projects which have an unmistakeable international relevance or otherwise clearly fall within the scope" utilise OPED terms bordering on PEACOCK. A Wiki article should be "just the facts" as they say. We're not promoting the Council, but only giving the information about its forming, history, and relevant works.

As an editorial note, in the Programmes section you give a list of programmes, and then talk about a whole different set of them. I'm not sure why the first list isn't talked about in the second (and vice versa) but the descriptions need to be referenced. And again, there are entire sections that are unreferenced - add some or remove them entirely if you cannot find reliable third-party sources. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. User:Primefac (talk) 09:59, 19 March 2015 (UTC) (talk page stalker)

Seeking input on fixing article

Hi Kikichugirl.

Looking to alter the draft article so that it falls within a neutral tone as required. I was interested to know in what spots of the article I should focus the most attention on.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:The_Intelligence_Community.com

Firefox85 (talk) 00:25, 20 March 2015 (UTC)

Firefox85, regardless of neutral tone, your draft must have more independent reliable sources that talk about the Community. At the moment, you only have its own website and an interview (both of which are PRIMARY, neither of which do anything to demonstrate its notability. You'll probably notice that I have removed the Wikipedia and LinkedIn references, as they are not valid sources. As for the tone, it reads a bit like a recruitment poster, but I think that with the addition of more valid sources the extra text will minimize that interpretation. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. Primefac (talk) 00:35, 20 March 2015 (UTC) (talk page stalker)

Draft:Manish Kejriwal

Dear Kikichugirl,

Thanks for reviewing my article draft:Manish Kejriwal. In your feedback you have mentioned that this submission appears to read more like an advertisement than an entry in an encyclopedia. I'd like to focus on the right areas and so would be grateful for any guidance on specifically which parts should be changed. Request if you could please let me know if there was a problem in the language or structure. Thanks in advance. Vinayr003 (talk) 08:27, 20 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi Vinayr003, the promotional language in the body of the text is the least of your concerns. A massive chunk of text has been removed (for the second time) for being directly being copied from another website. This is against the COPYVIO rules. As Kejriwal is a living person, per WP:BLP protocols there should be many more inline citations, especially in the big paragraphs. You already have a fair number of news articles in the References section, so it should be fairly easy to incorporate them into the text; remember that PRIMARY sources are discouraged and independent reliable sources are preferred. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. Primefac (talk) 18:31, 23 March 2015 (UTC) (talk page stalker)

Draft:Bezalel Inc.

Oyecrystal (talk) 23:00, 20 March 2015 (UTC)Hi Kikichugirl, Thank you for your suggestion. I have read the Wikipedia:Notability (organizations and companies) and the golden rules. I am sorry that, did you see the report by LA times? So do you think the LA times is not a notability resource? I also noticed that under the Examples section of Inductive charging( known as wireless charging) mention Bezalel.Inc. Thanks!Oyecrystal (talk) 23:00, 20 March 2015 (UTC)

Oyecrystal, the report from the LA times is a one-paragraph statement saying the company sold some product. If you wanted to write a page on ARK, then your references would be stellar. However, you're trying to write about Bezalel, and none of your references actually talk about the company itself. Wikipedia requires multiple independent reliable sources that discuss the subject itself (not its products) in order to demonstrate notability. As a side note, you have a fairly large CITEKILL in the "Success on Kickstarter" section that should be looked at. If you want more help, stop by the Teahouse, the IRC channel, or the help desk to ask someone for assistance. Primefac (talk) 18:42, 23 March 2015 (UTC) (talk page stalker)

05:01:59, 21 March 2015 review of submission by Arunharry2015

• Arunharry2015 (talk · contribs)
  • Draft:Venkatrama Hariharan (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

Have been trying to create this article on my late grand father Dr V Hariharan who was a freedom fighter, physician and social worker of repute during the first half of the 20th Century. Unfortunately, there is not much on him on the net barring a few references here and there as what i know of him, he was a true Gandhian who never believed in showcasing his work or claiming credit for what he did. This is just my small attempt to give a little due for what all he has done. The narrative is based on information i have gathered from living sources (people) who knew him, of which the dates, people and events mentioned I have been able to corroborate with actual events in history. Therefor, it is requested that the article be approved. Arunharry2015 (talk) 05:01, 21 March 2015 (UTC)

Hi Kikichugirl, Thanks for all your efforts. I have cut out a lot of flab in the article as advised and wherever a 'citation needed' was marked and I am unable to provide one, I have removed that particular input. Only important information is regarding award of LMP degree to Dr Hariharan in 1921. This is a fact confirmed to me verbally by people who knew him. Unfortunately as the information is of an event almost a 100 years ago, i am unable to provide a citation for the same as i have no document or web reference regarding the same. I hope the article fits the bill now. Thanks once again and sorry for my premature re-submissions which was more out of enthusiasm rather than any thing else- this being my first ever article. Regards Arunharry2015 (talk) 18:54, 21 March 2015 (UTC)

Notability issue

Hi Kikichugirl,

i have resubmitted my article Draft:Growthgate a few days ago with new sources and it still got rejected even though it no longer has the notability problem.

can you please tell me what i need to do to get it accepted?

thanks in advance. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Larsa.Max (talk • contribs) 07:35, 22 March 2015

Part Notability, part not being able to have a dialog.

As I have written before, at age 90.65 I have difficulty with all this technology. After you have considered your own reply to the following, please can you forward it to the two others who reviewed my article. I am unable to track them down My draft was at: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:Rinaldo_Paluzzi

Now as to the issue:

After examining the use of the term Notable, I wish to again submit my article concerning Rinaldo Paluzzi. Those of you that rejected it did so based on: “he was not Notable.” Notability referrers to standing among those in one’s peer group, therefore I examined articles on artists in Paluzzi’s peer group which are on Wikipedia.

However, before I relate any comparisons, I shall list the areas in which Paluzzi excelled (i.e. was Notable.)

1) His whole life following receiving a fine-arts education was producing paintings and sculptures, the sale of which not only supported his family and provided funds for his visits overseas, but more important, allowed him to devote 100% of his time to his profession (i.e. he did not need to teach or to accept other employment throughout his fifty-six year long career.) 2) His work Totem is a major piece, qualifying his work to have its own article in Wikipedia. 3) His work is in 12 Museum Collections; quite an achievement. 4) From 1958, beginning with being shown in “Young American Artists” in Rome to the year 2000, where he was shown at Centro Municipal de Exposiciones, Instituto Municipal de Cultura, Elche (Alicante) Paluzzi’s work was exhibited in over twenty-two galleries and individual exhibitions. 5) From 1984. Beginning with ARCO'84, Madrid, Galeria Denise Rene, Paris until 2005, at the Galeria Aele-Evelyn Botella in Madrid, his work has been shown in more than eight major collective exhibitions. 6) In 1966, when Paluzzi had an exhibition at the Galeria Luana in Madrid, Fernando Zobel de Ayala y Montojo, the Director of Museo de Arte Abstracto Espanol, Cuenca, Spain praised (in writing) what Paluzzi had accomplished (the details of which were in my draft article). What Montojo wrote is the stuff of what Notability is all about.

Below I have listed only a few of Paluzzi’s peers, all of whom have their own article in Wikipedia. You might reply that none of them are Notable and do not belong in Wikipedia; but they are there and in my opinion Paluzzi is equally Notable (if not more Notable) to all of them and deserves his own page in Wikipedia. I look forward to your reply.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Levee

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kendall_Shaw

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Altoon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Glasco

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernest_Trova

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jane_Freilicher

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Goldberg_%28painter%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douglas_Huebler

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_Leslie

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Jarvaise

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beverly_Pepper

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Waterhouse_%28artist%29

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karl_Benjamin

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duane_Hanson

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannelore_Baron

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Colescott

Sirswindon (talk) 18:35, 22 March 2015 (UTC)

Continue discussion at User talk:L235. --L235 (t / c / ping in reply) 21:35, 22 March 2015 (UTC)

I dream of horses, Editor of the Week

Hi Kikichugirl. You nominated, seconded, or supported (the nomination of) I dream of horses for Editor of the Week, which was recently awarded. Please offer congratulations to I dream of horses on their talk page. Thank you! --L235 (t / c / ping in reply) 22:02, 22 March 2015 (UTC)

Neutral tone

Hi there,

I'm trying to make my article for the London Community Foundation sound more formal/not promotional. Any help with specific words that I could change would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Jennycobb (talk) 14:35, 23 March 2015 (UTC)

22:44:26, 23 March 2015 review of submission by 125.213.191.72

• 125.213.191.72 (talk · contribs)
  • Draft:MyNetFone (edit | talk | history | links | watch | logs)

Thank you for reviewing. Can you please let me know what to change? I removed and altered all sections that were identified by the last reviewer and the one before that, so I was really hoping that it would be approved this time :( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Draft:MyNetFone

Thanks, Lauren

125.213.191.72 (talk) 22:44, 23 March 2015 (UTC)