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:A: None. A lightbulb is square, and if it's not, it should be.
:A: None. A lightbulb is square, and if it's not, it should be.


:''Q: How many [[quantum mechanics]] does it take to change a light bulb?
:''Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
:A: They can't. If they know where the socket is they cannot locate the new bulb.
:A: They can't. If they know where the socket is they cannot locate the new bulb.


Revision as of 18:11, 27 August 2006

A light bulb

The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke.

The generally acknowledged "original" goes as follows:

Q: How many [insert chosen group here] does it take to change a lightbulb?
A-1: Ten — one to hold the lightbulb and nine to turn the ladder around.


Basic variations

Even the original is subject to variation, the most common involving more people turning the entire house around.

Once the subject is chosen, variations on the joke tend to achieve their comedic effect by highlighting features of the cultural or social group based on altering five main variables:

  • The quantity (ten, three, two, none, millions) of light bulb changers can be adjusted in unexpected ways in the punchline:


Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but they have to do it again and again, because they always forget what they should say when they´re on the ladder.
Q: How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Cheap wine costs less than a bulb.
Q: How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. Actually, one. But really three. Which is actually one.
Q: How many apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One ape to screw in the lightbulb, and two to throw faeces at each other.
Q: How many beautiful people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: All of them. If they don´t have a light, they can´t see themselves in the mirrored ceiling.
Q: How many members of the band Chicago does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 25 or 6 to 4
Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: All of them, but Lee Harvey Oswald didn´t do it.
Q: How many comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's not funny.
Q: How many detectives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "Who changed it, and why?"
Q: How many Divas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. The Diva holds it and the whole world turns around her.
Q: How many divorced women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder, and one that tries to remember how her ex-husband did it.
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because their ex-wives aren´t there to thank them for doing it.
Q: How many dwarves does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they don´t have a ladder.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. One screws in the lightbulb, and four discuss how Miles Davis would have done it.
Q: How many Journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They would write about how it should be changed, write about how it is being changed, and then write about how it was not changed properly.
Q: How many macho men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only because his "woman" is barefoot, naked, pregnant, and chained to the sink in the kitchen.
Q: How many Mafia guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Any one of youz, but not Vinnie - he's stirring the sauce."
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0.9, or possibly 2.53.
Q: How many miners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "I can´t see a thing - Where is it?"
Q: How many penguins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and then two thousand huddle around it rubbing their fins together.
Q: How many perfectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They changed it before it broke.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter how many you have, none of them will ever trust any of the others to hold the ladder steady.
Q: How many Spanish Inquisitors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. One to screw in the lighbulb, and one to hold... NO, two! Two. One to....
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.0±0.3, 19 times out of 20.
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a hardware problem.
Q: How many stone-age people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lightbulb? Ugg...
Q: How many suicide cases does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. They take out the broken bulb and stick their fingers in the socket.
Q: How many ugly people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We look better when the lights are out.
Q: How many Warren Commission supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The lighbulb should not be changed, because it would interfere with the facts.

Change

  • The word change can refer either to replacing a light bulb or making a cultural or structural change
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Borg would rather assimilate the lightbulb than change it.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Feminists can't change anything
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if the lightbulb really wants to change.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the chances for a relapse are high.
Q: How many transvestites does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he has to shave his legs and change into high-heels first.

Duration

  • The duration can be introduced as a variable, usually if the answer is "one"
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q: How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it'll take him five episodes to do it.
Q: How many inhabitants of Florida does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know. They are still counting.
Q: How many R&D engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but afterwards he'll learn that it had already been changed in a more clever way.

Educational

  • In Britain, a common version is:
Q: How many ______ students does it take to change a lightbulb? (where ______ is the name of a university.)

Punchlines include:

Cambridge: One, but they have to wait till the weekend when Daddy can come and do it for them.
Durham: Ten - one to change the lightbulb and nine to moan about how they didn't get into Oxbridge
Oxford: "Change?"
LSE: One, and they do it just as well as a Cambridge student!

Punchlines for Australian universities:

University of Queensland: One. A student just holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around them.
QUT: Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to say they did it as well as UQ.
Griffith: Trick question - Griffith isn't a real university.

Punchlines for American Universities:

Ohio State University freshmen: None. It's a second year course.
University of Michigan students: Eleven. One to do it, and ten to brag about it.

Geographical variations

Q: How many north Alaskans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only every six months.
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "We can out-source the job to someone cheaper".
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One footballer, but he´ll deny it and say it was "The Hand of God" that did it.
Q: How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if five girls are watching as they flex their biceps.
Q: How many Austrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they´re still discussing it over coffee and cake.
Q: How many British holiday-makers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they smashed it when they were drunk, and they´re waiting for the hotel to replace it.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, eh?
Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Problem: One single bulb that needs replacing, and millions of people to do it.
Q: How many Dutch people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, and two to hold the bicycle steady.
Q: How many Egyptians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No problem at all. It´s easier than building a pyramid.
Q: How many Eskimos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Seal-fat candles are more romantic.
Q: How many French people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if everyone says that they do it the best.
Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he´ll complain that he was only taking orders from his superiors.
Q: How many people in India does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Only one bulb.
Q: How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Question: "Does it go in clock-wise or anti-clockwise?"
Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. "If you don´t change that bulb, your brains will be all over the ceiling."
Q: How many Japanese people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to do it, and one with a camera to photograph the first one doing it.
Q: How many Martians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One-and-a-half.
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he has to find a hill of beans first.
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he's still waiting in the queue to buy it.
Q: How many Scottish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they´re still arguing about who should buy the bulb.
Q: How many Spanish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after a good long sleep in the afternoon.
Q: How many Third World people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. No electricity.
Q: How many Welsh people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and 40 Welsh miners to sing about how it lights up the valley.

Inner light

  • The word light can be used to mock or highlight the attitude of the subject towards light or darkness
Q: How many Zen gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; only the inner light matters.
Q: How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to sit in the dark and cry.

Revenge

Light bulb jokes are sometimes used as passive revenge to poke fun at those who have become socially prominent, especially if the possibility of under-handed means exist:

Q: How many Catholic priests does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One small boy with baggy shorts on.
Q: How many fathers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, and he can do it much better than you ever could.
Q: How many Formula 1 drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them - if only to make sure that Michael Schumacher doesn´t do it first.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. (with mournful Yiddish accent) "Don't worry about it; I'll sit in the dark."
Q: How many senior Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the standard.
Q: How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "Wait until your father gets home, and stop playing with electricity."
Q: How many Presidents and Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One of each. They´ll invade the factory, free the workers, say that lightbulbs are weapons of mass destruction and should be banned, and then deny they sold them to the factory in the first place.
Q: How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It´s too menial a job for a person of high intellect. Get a working class person to do it.
Q: How many members of The Royal Family does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don´t ask stupid questions.

Screw

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Any number, but it takes forever, and they always screw it up.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: How many Catholic priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: An undisclosed group. First they screw their parishioners, then they screw a choirboy.
Q: How many men does it take to install a light bulb?
A: Three. One to install it, and two to listen to him brag about the "screwing".
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only two, but God knows how they got in there!
Q: How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero. Nuns don´t understand the "F" word.
Q: How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, the same as it takes anywhere else.
Q: How many sex maniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They´re too busy screwing to notice.

Strange

Other variations exist that achieve their effect through dramatic alteration of the joke paradigm itself, by not having a punch-line, or by simply making it nonsensical.

Q: How many Aliens does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One human. They kidnap you after you´ve done it, and you forget that you ever did it at all.
Q: How many Beatles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Paul or Ringo.
Q: How many biography writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "The bulb was born on the second of July in a small back room..."
Q: How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many boxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Have you ever tried to change a lightbulb with boxing gloves on?
Q: How many British people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, but first they have to boil the brussel sprouts for Christmas, and it´s only November.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Onen bulb light the change.
Q: How many fiction writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "It was late, and the room was dark. Something was wrong..."
Q: How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No answer.
Q: How many Jack Russell Terriers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Easy. They can do it while they´re bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to a previous joke.
Q: How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. A lightbulb is square, and if it's not, it should be.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person. They went back in time and met themselves in the room and then the first one sat on the other's shoulders so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all were blown out of existence.
Q: How many Scotts and Amundsens did it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both. They held their light bulbs and the world (literally) turned around them - but Amundsen did it first.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.
Q: One.
A: How many time-travellers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Q: How many Titanic captains does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The first, and the last one. "If that lightbulb comes down I´m going down with it."
Q: How many Vietnam veterans did it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You'll never understand, because you weren't there.

Various ethnic versions

This generic usability prompted one commentator to create the "all-purpose ethnic version" which reads as follows:

Q: How many members of a (given demographic group) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 'N+1 (where N > 0, N ∈ Z )' — one to hold the lightbulb and N to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.

There is no uniformity as to the target of derision: in America it has been the Polish people, while Poles poke fun at Russians and Americans. In Great Britain it is the Irish who are lampooned (in Wales it is the "Cardis"). The Australians and New Zealanders make fun of each other. The Canadians target their own Newfoundlanders, or "newfies". The jokes are by no means limited to English-speaking countries. For example, the Russians tell the same joke about the Moldavians, Chukchi and Ukrainians. The Ukrainians, in turn, tell it about Russians; the Spanish make fun of the inhabitants of Lepe, while the Colombians make fun of the inhabitants of Nariño, and the rest of the Spanish-speaking population laugh at the Galicians; the Brazilians mock the Portuguese; the Portuguese mock the Brazilians; the Norwegians laugh at their Swedish neighbours, and conversely, the Swedes tell the same joke about Norwegians; the Germans target the East Frisians or the Austrians; The Dutch and French target their Belgian neighbours, the Costa Ricans joke about foreigners from Nicaragua, and the Indians target the Pakistanis. The Finns target everyone, including themselves.[citation needed]

See also

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