List of The Colbert Report episodes (2009)
| The Colbert Report 2009 episodes | |
|---|---|
| No. of episodes | 161 |
| Release | |
| Original network | Comedy Central |
| Season chronology | |
This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2009.
2009
January
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 492 | "None" | Alan Colmes, John King | None | January 5 | 5001 |
| 493 | "None" | David Leonhardt, Matt Miller | None | January 6 | 5002 |
| 494 | "Statute of Liberty" | Benicio del Toro | "It's the year of the Ox. Good. I was getting sick of eating Rat. This is The Colbert Report." | January 7 | 5003 |
| 495 | "None" | Lawrence Lessig | (singing) "The hills are alive with the sound of WOLVES! RUN, MARIA! RUN! This is The Colbert Report." | January 8 | 5004 |
| 496 | "Sweet Smell of Success" | Anthony Romero | "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame you on again. I am shameless. This is The Colbert Report." | January 12 | 5005 |
| 497 | "None" | Niall Ferguson | "A house divided against itself cannot stand, but it's worth squat in this market anyway. This is The Colbert Report." | January 13 | 5006 |
| 498 | "None" | Alan Khazei | "Hey, I don't pay my taxes; why can't I be Treasury Secretary? This is The Colbert Report." | January 14 | 5007 |
| 499 | "None" | David Gregory, Shepard Fairey | "It's my way or the tollway. No free rides. This is The Colbert Report." | January 15 | 5008 |
| 500 | "Sacrifice" | Frank Rich, Christine Ebersole | "Just 12 more hours until all those Bush countdown clocks explode. YOU FOOLS! This is The Colbert Report." | January 19 | 5009 |
| 501 | "None" | Jabari Asim | None (show begins with opening sequence) | January 20 | 5010 |
| 502 | "None" | Elizabeth Alexander | "I, Stephen Colbert, promise...faithfully to...I mean, faithfully prom...f--k it, Colbert Report." | January 21 | 5011 |
| 503 | "None" | Jon Meacham | "Congratulations to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on its 13 Oscar nominations. See? Americans do support torture. This is The Colbert Report." | January 22 | 5012 |
| 504 | "None" | Chris Mooney, Ed Young | "Hey, Iceland! You can't make a Molotov cocktail with yogurt. This is The Colbert Report." | January 26 | 5013 |
| 505 | "None" | Philippe Petit | "America, here is my stimulus package: (removes glasses) Hello, ladies. This is The Colbert Report." | January 27 | 5014 |
| 506 | "None" | Denis Dutton | "What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar, make a movie? This is The Colbert Report." | January 28 | 5015 |
| 507 | "The Audacity of Nope" | John Podesta | "Scotch Tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This is The Colbert Report." | January 29 | 5016 |
February
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 508 | "None" | Dan Zaccagnino | "It's Groundhog Day. Gentlemen, start your groundhogs. This is The Colbert Report." | February 2 | 5017 |
| 509 | "Army of One" | Henry Louis Gates, Jr. | "Hey, Lady Liberty! Isn't it time you settled down and found yourself a man?" (straightens tie) "This is The Colbert Report." | February 3 | 5018 |
| 510 | "None" | Steve Martin | "Here's a brain teaser for ya: your brain is ugly. This is The Colbert Report." | February 4 | 5019 |
| 511 | "None" | James Surowiecki, Jonah Lehrer | "Don't put off until tomorrow what your team of personal assistants can do today. This is The Colbert Report." | February 5 | 5020 |
| 512 | "None" | TV on the Radio | "It's official: highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi mind trick. This is The Colbert Report." | February 9 | 5021 |
| 513 | "Loyal Opposition" | Robert Ballard | "Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is The Colbert Report." | February 10 | 5022 |
| 514 | "None" | Steven Pinker | "I'll never use steroids to get stronger; I just use them for the 'roid rage.' This is The Colbert Report." | February 11 | 5023 |
| 515 | "None" | David Ross, Ed Colbert, Adam Gopnik | None (show begins with opening sequence) | February 12 | 5024 |
| 516 | "None" | James Martin, Helen Fisher | "When life deals you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make the worst scrambled eggs. This is The Colbert Report." | February 23 | 5025 |
| 517 | "None" | Cliff Sloan | None (show begins with opening sequence) | February 24 | 5026 |
| 518 | "Ablacknophobia" | John Fetterman | "It's Ash Wednesday. For Lent, I'm giving up listening. This is The Colbert Report." | February 25 | 5027 |
| 519 | "The Swede Hereafter" | Kris Kristofferson | "Hey, Amazon! Congratulations on that new Kindle. Now we play the waiting game. This is The Colbert Report." | February 26 | 5028 |
March
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 520 | "None" | David Byrne | None (show begins with opening sequence) | March 2 | 5029 |
| 521 | "Share The Wealth" | Mark Bittman | "Ever get the feeling 1.3 million people are watching you? This is The Colbert Report." | March 3 | 5030 |
| 522 | "None" | Jack Jacobs, Stephen Moore, Carl Wilson | "Birds of a feather stick together, especially after they've flown into your glue trap. This is The Colbert Report." | March 4 | 5031 |
| 523 | "None" | Jim Cramer, Steven Berlin Johnson | "I retain all my vitamins because I am always steamed. This is The Colbert Report." | March 5 | 5032 |
| 524 | "Locked & Loathed" | Lisa Hannigan | (sitting in his underwear, eating a sandwich and reading Soap Opera Digest) "By the way, when's [[Daylight Saving Time|Daylight Savings Time [sic?]]] start?" | March 9 | 5033 |
| 525 | "None" | William Gerstenmaier, Jay Keasling | "I don't sugarcoat the news; I drench it in high-fructose corn syrup. This is The Colbert Report." | March 10 | 5034 |
| 526 | "Rand Illusion" | Howard Fineman | "Hey, Dr. Manhattan, where's your glowing blue medical degree? This is The Colbert Report." | March 11 | 5035 |
| 527 | "None" | Simon Johnson, Peter Singer | "Bernie Madoff, here's some advice: on the first day of jail, find the biggest guy in the yard, and defraud him. This is The Colbert Report." | March 12 | 5036 |
| 528 | "None" | Jonathan Chait, Neil Gaiman | "Hey, did you read today's London Financial Times? Then why are you watching this show? This is The Colbert Report." | March 16 | 5037 |
| 529 | "None" | David Grann | "It's Saint Patrick's Day, so you can kiss my blarney stones. This is The Colbert Report." | March 17 | 5038 |
| 530 | "Keeping Our Heads" | Juan Cole | "Hey, Bartlett's, here's a quotation: 'Put me in your book, or you're a jerk.' This is The Colbert Report." | March 18 | 5039 |
| 531 | "None" | John McCardell | "Let's play Rock-paper-scissors. Mail in your answers, and we'll see who won. This is The Colbert Report." | March 19 | 5040 |
| 532 | "None" | Emily Yoffe, Derrick Pitts | "Hey, former GM CEO Rick Wagner, if you're looking for a job: I need someone to stand in my parking space. This is The Colbert Report." | March 30 | 5041 |
| 533 | "None" | David Plotz | "I thought March was supposed to go out like a lamb. Where's my mint jelly? This is The Colbert Report." | March 31 | 5042 |
April
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 534 | "Fine Line" | Dambisa Moyo | "Hey, songbirds nesting outside my window, you're now 82 months behind on your rent. This is The Colbert Report." | April 01 | 5043 |
| 535 | "None" | Biz Stone | "ER is off the air after 15 seasons. That's what you get with Obama's socialized medicine. This is The Colbert Report." | April 02 | 5044 |
| 536 | "None" | Tom Brokaw, Rich Lowry | "It's April 6th: only nine more days to hide your assets offshore. This is The Colbert Report." | April 06 | 5045 |
| 537 | "Morally Bankrupt" | H.M. Queen Noor of Jordan | "Vermont just legalized gay marriage. Ben, you can finally propose to Jerry. This is The Colbert Report." | April 07 | 5046 |
| 538 | "None" | Phil Bronstein | "Put your money where your mouth is, it's a lot safer than a bank. This is The Colbert Report." | April 08 | 5047 |
| 539 | "None" | Bart Ehrman | None (show begins with opening sequence) | April 09 | 5048 |
| 540 | "Have Your Cake And Eat It, Too" | Sunita Williams, Susie Orbach | "Hey Navy Seals, why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan? That guy made me feel like I was captive in a boat for 5 days. This is The Colbert Report." | April 14 | 5049 |
| 541 | "None" | Jim Lehrer | "Do not adjust your set -- unless you want to make my face even redder. This is The Colbert Report." | April 15 | 5050 |
| 542 | "None" | Kanishk Tharoor, Douglas Kmiec | "I hate to pet myself on the back, so I have my assistant do it. This is The Colbert Report." | April 16 | 5051 |
| 543 | "None" | Ken Quinn, Sherriff Joe Arpaio | "Spoiler alert! Ugly duckling, you're actually a swan. An ugly swan. This is The Colbert Report." | April 20 | 5052 |
| 544 | "Stressed Position" | Mike Krzyzewski | "For NHL play-off highlights and scores: move to Canada. This is The Colbert Report." | April 21 | 5053 |
| 545 | "None" | Ira Glass | "I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, and if that fails I curl up like an armadillo. This is The Colbert Report." | April 22 | 5054 |
| 546 | "Brunt Double" | Elizabeth Bintliff, Daisy | "My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99. After that you're Willard Scott's problem. This is The Colbert Report." | April 23 | 5055 |
| 547 | "None" | The Decemberists | "I say potahto — end of story. This is The Colbert Report." | April 27 | 5056 |
| 548 | "None" | Richard Engel, Daniel Gross | "The Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it. This is The Colbert Report." | April 28 | 5057 |
| 549 | "None" | David Kessler | "Hey mom, let me say in advance: Happy belated mother's day. This is The Colbert Report." | April 29 | 5058 |
| 550 | "None" | Jonathan Alter, Ethan Nadelmann | "I don't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but it takes 12,809 licks to get to the center of an iPhone. This is The Colbert Report." | April 30 | 5059 |
May
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 551 | "None" | J. J. Abrams | None (show begins with opening sequence) | May 04 | 5060 |
| 552 | "Captain Kangaroo Court" | Cliff Sloan, Paul Rieckhoff | "Hey, codebreakers, here's a hint: try harder! This is The Colbert Report." | May 05 | 5061 |
| 553 | "None" | Laurie Garrett | "If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex? This is The Colbert Report." | May 06 | 5062 |
| 554 | "None" | Mitchell Joachim | "Remember, when you hear the secret word, scream real loud. Tonight's secret word: Shhh. This is The Colbert Report." | May 07 | 5063 |
| 555 | "None" | Tamara Draut, Jeff Daniels | "If a tree falls in the forest and there's no-one there to hear it, my illegal logging business succeeds. This is The Colbert Report." | May 11 | 5064 |
| 556 | "None" | Julia Sweig, Ron Howard | "All proceeds from tonight's show go to a worthy cause: my advertisers. This is The Colbert Report." | May 12 | 5065 |
| 557 | "None" | Michael Pollan | "When in Rome, I find a McDonalds where they speak English. This is The Colbert Report." | May 13 | 5066 |
| 558 | "None" | Yusuf | "Hey, blessings in disguise, what are you hiding? This is The Colbert Report." | May 14 | 5067 |
| 559 | "Tough Cell" | Meghan McCain | (waving) "Hey you! Watching this on mute! Turn up the volume! This is The Colbert Report!" | May 18 | 5068 |
| 560 | "I Know You Are But What Am I?" | Walter Kirn | "I don't like to brag; I love it. This is The Colbert Report." | May 19 | 5069 |
| 561 | "None" | Bob Graham, Seth Shostak | "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. It also makes them taste better. This is The Colbert Report." | May 20 | 5070 |
| 562 | "None" | Green Day | "I'm all that and a bag of celery. I'm trying to slim down for bikini season. This is The Colbert Report." | May 21 | 5071 |
June
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 563 | "None" | Jeffrey Toobin, Byron Dorgan | "Congratulations to Conan O'Brien on his first show tonight. Which, I believe (checks watch) starts at 12:00 tonight. This is the Colbert Report." | June 01 | 5072 |
| 564 | "None" | Katty Kay | "Hey, hold your horses. Even horses need to be held sometimes. This is the Colbert Report." | June 02 | 5073 |
| 565 | "I Do, You Don't" | Eric Schlosser | "I cannot tell a lie. I prefer to tell them in packs o' three. This is the Colbert Report." | June 03 | 5074 |
| 566 | "Just Don't Do It" | Dag Soderberg | "This show's got everything from soup to nuts. By the way, stay away from the soup, my nuts were in there. This is the Colbert Report." | June 04 | 5075 |
| 567 | "Why Are You Here?" | General Ray Odierno, Barack Obama | "This is Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando. Broadcasting from Camp Victory, Baghdad, Iraq." | June 08 | 5076 |
| 568 | "None" | Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, Sergeant Robin Balcom, Specialist Tareq Salha | "This is Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando. Broadcasting from Camp Victory, Baghdad, Iraq." | June 09 | 5077 |
| 569 | "None" | Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, General Charles Jacoby | "This is Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando. Broadcasting from Camp Victory, Baghdad, Iraq." | June 10 | 5078 |
| 570 | "None" | George W. Bush, Senator Jim Webb, Sergeant Major Frank Grippe | "This is Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando. Broadcasting from Camp Victory, Baghdad, Iraq." | June 11 | 5079 |
| 571 | "None" | Austan Goolsbee | "Bathing suit season is right around the corner ... for you prudes who wear them. This is the Colbert Report." | June 15 | 5080 |
| 572 | "None" | Jim Rogers | "No sense beating a dead horse, unless it's one of those zombie horses. You can't beat them enough. This is the Colbert Report." | June 16 | 5081 |
| 573 | "Bohemian Grove" | Joshua Micah Marshall | "Wow! Those Iranians are really pissed at Letterman. This is the Colbert Report." | June 17 | 5082 |
| 574 | "None" | Paul Muldoon | "To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative. This is the Colbert Report." | June 18 | 5083 |
| 575 | "None" | Simon Schama | "Summer is in full swing. Hey, summer, consider a jockstrap. This is the Colbert Report." | June 22 | 5084 |
| 576 | "None" | David Kilcullen | None | June 23 | 5085 |
| 577 | "None" | Matthew Crawford | "You snooze, you lose... unless it's a sleeping contest. This is the Colbert Report." | June 24 | 5086 |
| 578 | "Stonewalling" | Jim Fouratt | "Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? This is the Colbert Report." | June 25 | 5087 |
| 579 | "Noncensus" | Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Cheap Trick | None | June 29 | 5088 |
| 580 | "None" | Alexi Lalas, Kevin Mattson | "Bernie, look on the bright side. When you get out, no one will suspect a 221-year-old man. This is the Colbert Report." | June 30 | 5089 |
July
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 581 | "None" | Nicholas Kristof | "Today is Canada Day, and I celebrated the way I always do, by not knowing it's Canada Day. This is The Colbert Report." | July 01 | 5090 |
| 582 | "Ban de Soleil" | Ed Viesturs | "Next week it's reruns. I'll still be here doing the shows, but the cameras are on vacation. This is The Colbert Report." | July 02 | 5091 |
| 583 | "None" | Paul Krugman | "A broken clock is right twice a day. So go out and get yourself 720 clocks. This is The Colbert Report." | July 13 | 5092 |
| 584 | "Guns, Credit, and Corn" | Leymah Gbowee | "Tonight's the all-star game. But don't let the exciting name fool you - it's still baseball. This is The Colbert Report." | July 14 | 5093 |
| 585 | "None" | Douglas Rushkoff | "Is this a wand in my pocket, or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie? This is The Colbert Report." | July 15 | 5094 |
| 586 | "Neutral Man's Burden" | Edmund Andrews | "The Sears Tower is now called the Willis Tower. Man - Bruce Willis is loaded. This is The Colbert Report." | July 16 | 5095 |
| 587 | "None" | Bob Park | None | July 20 | 5096 |
| 588 | "A Perfect World" | Aaron Carroll | "It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye. Then the game becomes 'Find The Eye'. This is The Colbert Report." | July 21 | 5097 |
| 589 | "None" | Chris Anderson | "A mother's work is never done. Which reminds me - mom, cue the theme music. This is The Colbert Report." | July 22 | 5098 |
| 590 | "None" | Zev Chafets | None | July 23 | 5099 |
| 591 | "None" | Movits! | "If anyone at Comic-Con found a pair of dark brown Princess Leia pin-on buns with the initials S.C., they're not mine - but you can send them here. This is The Colbert Report." | July 27 | 5100 |
| 592 | "None" | Arianna Huffington | None | July 28 | 5101 |
| 593 | "He Who Smelt It, Dealt It" | Kevin Baker | "Today's Colbert Club kids' activity - color in more of my hair! This is The Colbert Report." | July 29 | 5102 |
| 594 | "None" | Kathryn Bigelow | (roommate Frank is relaxing at the desk, Stephen enters) "Frank, what are you doing? This is The Colbert Report." | July 30 | 5103 |
August
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 595 | "None" | Anthony Zinni | "If at first you don't succeed, redefine what you did as success. This is The Colbert Report." | August 3 | 5104 |
| 596 | "Hippie Replacement" | David Wondrich, Kurt Andersen | None | August 4 | 5105 |
| 597 | "None" | Kris Kobach | None | August 5 | 5106 |
| 598 | "None" | Meryl Streep | "Twitter went down today. If only there was some short, shallow, self-indulgent way to express my horror. This is The Colbert Report." | August 6 | 5107 |
| 599 | "None" | Barbara Boxer | "You can make an omelette without breaking eggs - it's just a really bad omelette. This is The Colbert Report." | August 10 | 5108 |
| 600 | "None" | Jonathan Cohn | "Well after 20 years, Brooks & Dunn broke up. (shakes fist) Yoko! This is The Colbert Report." | August 11 | 5109 |
| 601 | "None" | Mark Johnson | "Hey, Perseid meteor shower - thank you for proving that the sky is falling. This is The Colbert Report." | August 12 | 5110 |
| 602 | "None" | Mark Devlin | "Dick Cheney's coming out with his memoirs - and good news, just reading it violates the Geneva Convention. This is The Colbert Report." | August 13 | 5111 |
| 603 | "Must-Be TV" | Bill McKibben | "Ninety percent of US currency has traces of cocaine on it. That should boost our exchange rate. This is The Colbert Report." | August 17 | 5112 |
| 604 | "Arch Enemies" | Robert Wright | "Congratulations, Brett Favre, on setting the NFL record for incomplete retirements. This is The Colbert Report." | August 18 | 5113 |
| 605 | "None" | Marion Nestle, Ang Lee | None | August 19 | 5114 |
| 606 | "None" | Chris Matthews | "After the show I'm on vacation, so nobody do anything newsworthy for three weeks! This is The Colbert Report." | August 20 | 5115 |
September
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 607 | "None" | Cory Booker | "I'm back from vacation. What did you bring me? This is The Colbert Report." | September 14 | 5116 |
| 608 | "Let Freedom Ka-Ching" | Jeffrey Toobin, Christiane Amanpour | None | September 15 | 5117 |
| 609 | "None" | The Flaming Lips | "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining---pee on my leg and tell me you love me. This is The Colbert Report." | September 16 | 5118 |
| 610 | "Allison!" | Frank Bruni | None | September 17 | 5119 |
| 611 | "None" | Shai Agassi | "Obama was on five shows this sunday morning: sounds like somebody hates church. This is The Colbert Report." | September 22 | 5120 |
| 612 | "None" | Michael Moore, A.J.Jacobs | None | September 23 | 5121 |
| 613 | "Blackwashing" | Ken Burns | "Television is the most important communication tool in history... now can I have an Emmy? This is The Colbert Report." | September 24 | 5122 |
| 614 | "None" | Sheryl WuDunn | None | September 28 | 5123 |
| 615 | "Out Of The Closet" | Matt Latimer | "Congratulations, Kate Plus 8, sorry, Jon plus none. This is The Colbert Report." | September 29 | 5124 |
| 616 | "None" | Richard Dawkins | "The Obamas are going to Kopenhagen... Party at Biden's house! This is The Colbert Report." | September 30 | 5125 |
October
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 617 | "None" | George Wendt, Francis Collins | None | October 01 | 5126 |
| 618 | "Learning Is Fundamental" | Andrew Gellman, Arne Duncan | "The socialists take power in Greece... I didn't even know Obama was on the ballot. This is The Colbert Report." | October 05 | 5127 |
| 619 | "None" | Lara Logan, The Mountain Goats | None | October 06 | 5128 |
| 620 | "None" | Alison Gopnik | "Time heals all wounds. So if you're uninsured, get a watch. This is The Colbert Report." | October 07 | 5129 |
| 621 | "None" | Colin Beavan | "No, thanks, loose leaf paper, I prefer abstinence leaf paper, you whore! This is The Colbert Report." | October 08 | 5130 |
| 622 | "None" | Shashi Tharoor, Dr. Sanjay Gupta | "Hey, has anybody seen my bathwater? I may have accidentally thrown something out with it. This is The Colbert Report." | October 12 | 5131 |
| 623 | "Symbol-Minded" | David Javerbaum, Sylvia Earle | "The health care bill is out of committee. Hip Hip replacement! This is The Colbert Report." | October 13 | 5132 |
| 624 | "None" | Amy Farrell, RZA | None | October 14 | 5133 |
| 625 | "None" | Jerry Mitchell | "Barack Obama is sending each senior citizen 250 dollars, inside 50 birthday cards. This is The Colbert Report." | October 15 | 5134 |
| 626 | "Don't Ask Don't Tell" | Cornel West | None | October 26 | 5135 |
| 627 | "None" | Gail Collins | "I'm sittn' in the cat bird seat. Sorry, cat bird, you should have called 'savesies'. This is The Colbert Report." | October 27 | 5136 |
| 628 | "You-Genics" | Brian Cox | "World Series tonight.. assuming the world only includes New York to Pennsylvania. This is The Colbert Report." | October 28 | 5137 |
| 629 | "None" | Rosanne Cash, Bill Simmons | "Sorry, uh.. the show's running long, I'm not gonna say anything here. Colbert Report." | October 29 | 5138 |
November
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 630 | "None" | Dan Jansen, Nicholas Thompson | "What's that? It's an hour earlier because daylight savings time is over and we haven't actually done the show yet? Oh. Then this is The Colbert Report." | November 02 | 5139 |
| 631 | "The Green Mile" | Andrew Sullivan | "Mayor Bloomberg, congratulations on another term, sir! Unless you lost, in which case I never liked you. This is The Colbert Report." | November 03 | 5140 |
| 632 | "None" | Al Gore, Harold Evans | "Quitters never win. Unless they're competing in a quitting contest. This is The Colbert Report." | November 04 | 5141 |
| 633 | "None" | Joey Cheek, William Bratton | "I can prove the free market works: the Yankees won the World Series. This is The Colbert Report." | November 05 | 5142 |
| 634 | "None" | Thomas Campbell | "Happy 40th birthday, Sesame Street! That bird's not getting any bigger; I say we eat him now. This is The Colbert Report." | November 09 | 5143 |
| 635 | "None" | Karim Sadjadpour, Maria Shriver | "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Then beat 'em. They'll never see it coming. This is The Colbert Report." | November 10 | 5144 |
| 636 | "None" | Christopher Caldwell | "Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt. This is The Colbert Report." | November 11 | 5145 |
| 637 | "The Money Shot" | Woody Harrelson | "TGIF: Thank God It's Fursday. This is The Colbert Report." | November 12 | 5146 |
| 638 | "Skeletons In The Closet" | Paul Goldberger | "If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, send it back, it's a little undercooked. This is The Colbert Report." | November 16 | 5147 |
| 639 | "None" | Marc Kielburger, Malcolm Gladwell | "Sarah Palin's book goes on sale today. I just hope this finally gets her some media exposure. This is The Colbert Report." | November 17 | 5148 |
| 640 | "Grand Old Pity Party" | Norah Jones | "For the 4th year in a row Sexiest man alive did not go to Matthew McConaughey: there is no god! This is The Colbert Report." | November 18 | 5149 |
| 641 | "None" | John Pike, Elvis Costello | None | November 19 | 5150 |
| 642 | "None" | Dan Esty, Cevin Soling | "Hey, I must be an athlete! I have the same number of wins as the New Jersey Nets. This, this is The Colbert Report." | November 30 | 5151 |
December
| No. | "The Wørd" | Guest(s) | Introductory phrase | Original air date | Production code |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 643 | "None" | Guy Consolmagno, Sherman Alexie | "Only 24 more shopping days to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. This is The Colbert Report." | December 01 | 5152 |
| 644 | "None" | Craig Watkins | "The Colbert Report will begin after this important message: This is The Colbert Report." | December 02 | 5153 |
| 645 | "None" | Janet Napolitano | "The inventor of the Hokey Pokey has died. That is going to be one long burial. This is The Colbert Report." | December 03 | 5154 |
| 646 | "None" | Bill T. Jones | "Let's make this easier. Raise your hand if you didn't have an affair with Tiger Woods. This is The Colbert Report." | December 07 | 5155 |
| 647 | "None" | Bernie Sanders, Andy Schlafly | "A warning: in the next few weeks, you may hear Paul McCartney's Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime. Stay calm, it will pass. This is The Colbert Report." | December 08 | 5156 |
| 648 | "Grand Old Purity" | Matt Taibbi | "An independent panel said the TARP program worked. Hmm, I wonder what program funded that panel? This is The Colbert Report." | December 09 | 5157 |
| 649 | "None" | Lara Logan | None | December 10 | 5158 |
| 650 | "None" | Katherine Reutter, Snoop Dogg | "No Man Is an Island, but I have one hell of a peninsula. This is The Colbert Report." | December 14 | 5159 |
| 651 | "None" | Alicia Keys | "Christmas is coming, the goose's cholesterol count is through the roof. I am really worried about him. This is The Colbert Report." | December 15 | 5160 |
| 652 | "Spyvate Sector" | Tom Brokaw | None | December 16 | 5161 |
External links
Wikiquote has quotations related to Stephen Colbert.
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