List of The Colbert Report episodes (2013)

The Colbert Report 2013 episodes
No. of episodes	157
Release
Original network	Comedy Central
Season chronology

This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2013.

2013

January

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,131	TBA	Jimmy Wales	It's 2013. Suck it Mayans.	January 7	9039
1,132	TBA	Chris Kluwe	Jimmy Kimmel starts his new 11:35 time slot tonight, but since he's my direct competition I refuse to mention him.	January 8	9040
1,133	TBA	Neil Shubin	2012 was the hottest year on record. We think, the record book burst into flames.	January 9	9041
1,134	TBA	Ben Gibbard	N/A	January 10	9042
1,135	TBA	Piers Morgan	N/A	January 14	9043
1,136	TBA	Jared Diamond	A shipment of 18 human heads showed up at O'Hare International Airport, when I clearly said I was flying to Omaha.	January 15	9044
1,137	TBA	Tom Brokaw	A Utah smoothie shop is charging an extra fee to liberal customers. That is really gotta sting for Utah's liberal.	January 16	9045
1,138	"United We Standoff"	Akhil Reed Amar	N/A	January 17	9046
1,139	TBA	Ta-Nehisi Coates	Atari has filed for bankruptcy today, but they're thinking about just taking it out, blowin' on it and seeing if it'll work again.	January 21	9047
1,140	"Win, Lose, or Redraw"	Kathryn Bigelow	N/A	January 22	9048
1,141	TBA	Sally Field	N/A	January 23	9049
1,142	TBA	Tavi Gevinson	N/A	January 24	9050
1,143	"The New Abnormal"	Michael Shellenberger	Axe Body Spray has announced a contest that will send the winner to space, still not far enough to get away from the smell.	January 28	9051
1,144	TBA	George Saunders	Eating lunch earlier can help you lose weight. That's why I always eat tomorrow's lunch tonight.	January 29	9052
1,145	"It Gets Worse"	Bill Gates	The truth will set you free. So convicted murderers, turn off your TVs now.	January 30	9053
1,146	TBA	Matthew Guerrieri	N/A	January 31	9054

February

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,147	TBA	Sonia Sotomayor	Fidel Castro made his first public appearance in three years, then he saw his shadow, so fifty more years of communism!	February 4	9055
1,148	TBA	Julie Andrews	A math professor has discovered a new seventeen million digit prime number. His other discovery, he is very lonely.	February 5	9056
1,149	TBA	Lawrence Wright	Home Depot is going to hire 80,000 new workers for the spring. You know where they can find some cheap labor? In their parking lot.	February 6	9057
1,150	TBA	Benh Zeitlin	A new poll says that Fox News is both the most trusted name and the least trusted name in the news. See? They do report both sides of the story.	February 7	9058
1,151	TBA	Garry Wills	N/A	February 11	9059
1,152	TBA	Roger Hodge	Ted Nugent will attend The State of The Union tonight, or as deer call it, the greatest night of their lives.	February 12	9060
1,153	TBA	Dave Grohl	N/A	February 13	9061
1,154	TBA	Gavin Newsom	N/A	February 14	9062
1,155	TBA	Emily Bazelon	N/A	February 19	9063
1,156	TBA	David Goldhill	N/A	February 20	9064
1,157	TBA	Lil Buck	N/A	February 21	9065
1,158	"Silent But Deadly"	Simon Garfield	Cuban president Raúl Castro says he'll retire in five years. Don't believe him Conan.	February 25	9066
1,159	TBA	Michio Kaku	Iceland is considering a ban on internet porn. Now... there is nothing to do in Iceland.	February 26	9067
1,160	TBA	Paola Antonelli	It's Chuck Hagel's first day as Secretary of Defense. Tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work.	February 27	9068
1,161	TBA	Jon Favreau	Girls Gone Wild has filed for bankruptcy. Maybe those girls should have Gone Business School.	February 28	9069

March

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,162	TBA	Kirk Bloodsworth	N/A	March 4	9070
1,163	TBA	James Franco	Queen Elizabeth has been released from the hospital for what they say is a stomach bug. Either that, or there's another Royal Baby on the way.	March 5	9071
1,164	TBA	Brendan O'Connell	N/A	March 6	9072
1,165	TBA	John Sexton	N/A	March 7	9073
1,166	TBA	Junot Diaz	N/A	March 25	9074
1,167	"Narcicitizenship"	Eric Topol	N/A	March 26	9075
1,168	TBA	Carl Edgar Blake II	Jon Hamm is sick of everyone talking about his giant penis, so media... you can start talking about mine.	March 27	9076
1,169	TBA	Robert Lustig	N/A	March 28	9077

April

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,170	TBA	Sigourney Weaver	This is NOT The Colbert Report... April Fools... This is The Colbert Report.	April 1	9078
1,171	TBA	Jim McGreevey	N/A	April 2	9079
1,172	TBA	A.C. Grayling	N/A	April 3	9080
1,173	TBA	Francis Collins	The Queen of England just got a 7.5 million dollar raise. It was that or lose her to the Miami Heat.	April 4	9081
1,174	TBA	Bill Clinton	N/A	April 8	9082
1,175	TBA	Charlie LeDuff	Scientists discovered a new tarantula that's the size of a human face. Correction, the size of a screaming human face.	April 9	9083
1,176	TBA	Shane Smith	N/A	April 10	9084
1,177	TBA	Cass Sunstein	N/A	April 11	9085
1,178	TBA	Caroline Kennedy	Here's what I know... These maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.	April 16	9086
1,179	TBA	Alan Cumming	N/A	April 17	9087
1,180	TBA	Richard Engel	N/A	April 18	9088
1,181	TBA	Michael Pollan	Today is the 43rd Annual Earth Day. At that age, no wonder it's ice caps are receding.	April 22	9089
1,182	TBA	Eric Schmidt	N/A	April 23	9090
1,183	TBA	Danica Patrick	N/A	April 24	9091
1,184	TBA	Gene Robinson	TBA	April 25	9092
1,185	"We Shall Undermine"	Iggy And The Stooges	A Wisconsin woman called police after seeing kittens having sex in her yard. Quick! No one show her the internet.	April 29	9093
1,186	"Medical Leave"	Evan Spiegel & Bobby Murphy	A new study says fish use sign language. Maybe now I can figure out what all that flopping around on the bottom of my boat means.	April 30	9094

May

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,187	"N.R.A-vana"	Macklemore & Ryan Lewis	N/A	May 1	9095
1,188	TBA	Ben Kingsley	A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over US marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out.	May 2	9096
1,189	TBA	Robert Caro	Chris Christie killed a spider. It picked the wrong guy to steal curds and whey from.	May 6	9097
1,190	TBA	Douglas Rushkoff	N/A	May 7	9098
1,191	TBA	Richard Besser	Deadly giant snails have been found in Houston. Quick! Saunter for your lives!	May 8	9099
1,192	TBA	Baz Luhrmann	N/A	May 9	9100
1,193	TBA	Jessica Buchanan & Erik Landemalm	N/A	May 13	9101
1,194	TBA	Dan Brown	Business networking site LinkedIn is cracking down on prostitutes. Now if they'd just crack down on those people who keep inviting me to join LinkedIn.	May 14	9102
1,195	TBA	Cyndi Lauper	N/A	May 15	9103
1,196	TBA	Daniel Lieberman	A prison inmate is suing Taco Bell for stealing his Doritos Taco Shell idea. And also for his Doritos Taco Shiv idea.	May 16	9104
1,197	TBA	David Sassoon	N/A	May 20	9105
1,198	TBA	Noah Feldman	A London auction house is offering a rare Christmas card signed by Adolf Hitler. Even more rare... His Happy Hanukkah card.	May 21	9106
1,199	TBA	The National	A Minnesota man found a comic book inside the walls of his house that's worth over $100,000, but be careful, its only valuable if you keep it in its original wall.	May 22	9107
1,200	TBA	Christopher Chivers	N/A	May 23	9108

June

Taping of June 13, 17 and 18 was cancelled due to the death of Colbert's mother.

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,201	TBA	John Dingell	N/A	June 3	9109
1,202	TBA	Alex Gibney	N/A	June 4	9110
1,203	TBA	Jonathan Alter	The TSA has dropped its plans to allow golf clubs on airplanes. Great, now the putting green in First Class is useless.	June 5	9111
1,204	TBA	T-Bone Burnett, Stephen King, & John Mellencamp	N/A	June 6	9112
1,205	TBA	Dan Savage	N/A	June 10	9113
1,206	TBA	Daniel Bergner	Mayor Mike Bloomberg unveiled a twenty billion dollar plan to fight climate change. It will limit the oceans to no more than 16 ozs.	June 11	9114
1,207	TBA	Paul McCartney	N/A	June 12	9115
1,208	TBA	The Postal Service	TBA	June 19	9116
1,209	TBA	Joss Whedon	A new study says 70% of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk to your doctor about Cymbalta.	June 20	9117
1,210	"Truthinews"	Andrew Solomon	N/A	June 24	9118
1,211	TBA	Peniel Joseph	Italy's Silvio Berlusconi was convicted of paying for sex with an underage prostitute, which means it could be months before he is re-elected Prime Minister.	June 25	9119
1,212	TBA	Bill Moyers	Scientists have found a way for paralyzed rats to regain the ability to urinate. Finally, a solution to the world's deficit of rat urine.	June 26	9120
1,213	TBA	Chuck Schumer	N/A	June 27	9121

July

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,214	TBA	Jeremy Scahill	N/A	July 15	9122
1,215	TBA	David Karp	J.K. Rowling announced that she secretly wrote a crime novel under the name Robert Galbraith. What a coincidence, I wrote a series of wizard books under the name J.K. Rowling.	July 16	9123
1,216	TBA	Jerry Seinfeld	N/A	July 17	9124
1,217	TBA	Jeff Bridges	N/A	July 18	9125
1,218	TBA	Kjerstin Gruys	N/A	July 22	9126
1,219	"Color-bind"	Kenneth Goldsmith	N/A	July 23	9127
1,220	TBA	Anant Agarwal	N/A	July 24	9128
1,221	TBA	Olympia Snowe	N/A	July 25	9129
1,222	TBA	The Lumineers	China is launching a 24-hour Panda-cam. Ohhh!!! I can't wait to see those majestic creatures assemble an iPad.	July 29	9130
1,223	"Secrets & Laws"	Atul Gawande	CNN is offering dos & don'ts for summer time sex. First don't... watch CNN.	July 30	9131
1,224	TBA	Emily Matchar	Simon Cowell has reportedly impregnated his friend's wife. That is shocking! Simon Cowell has a friend?	July 31	9132

August

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,225	TBA	Bryan Cranston	Science can now grow teeth from stem cells found in urine. So, careful next time your dentist says open wide.	August 1	9133
1,226	TBA	Hugh Laurie	N/A	August 5	9134
1,227	TBA	Robin Thicke	N/A	August 6	9135
1,228	TBA	Ashton Kutcher	N/A	August 7	9136
1,229	TBA	Colum McCann	N/A	August 8	9137
1,230	TBA	Sheldon Whitehouse	N/A	August 12	9138
1,231	TBA	John Lewis	N/A	August 13	9139
1,232	TBA	Kevin Spacey	In Boston, mobster Whitey Bulger has been convicted on 31 counts. Here in New York, Tighty-Whitey Bulger continues his run for Mayor.	August 14	9140
1,233	"Gag Gift"	Richard Brodhead	N/A	August 15	9141

September

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,234	TBA	Timothy Cardinal Dolan	Sunlight reflecting off a London skyscraper has been melting cars. That is shocking! There is sunlight in London?	September 3	9142
1,235	TBA	Gary England	Happy Birthday to Google, which turned 15 today. Just three more years and they can turn the safe search off.	September 4	9143
1,236	TBA	John Prine	Happy Rosh Hashanah, which we all know is the Jewish holiday of... I have no idea, my writers all left early.	September 5	9144
1,237	TBA	Billie Jean King	N/A	September 9	9145
1,238	TBA	Shane Salerno	N/A	September 10	9146
1,239	TBA	Sheryl Crow	N/A	September 11	9147
1,240	TBA	Philip Mudd	N/A	September 12	9148
1,241	"The Guilted Age"	Andrew Bacevich	NPR is cutting their staff by 10%, so enjoy this week's edition of... Wait...Wait... Don't fire me.	September 16	9149
1,242	TBA	Arne Duncan	A new study says 85% of users don't become addicted to meth. Unfortunately the same can't be said for viewers of Breaking Bad.	September 17	9150
1,243	TBA	Nicholson Baker	N/A	September 18	9151
1,244	TBA	Jack Johnson	N/A	September 19	9152
1,245	TBA	Metallica	N/A	September 24	9153
1,246	TBA	Joseph Gordon-Levitt	N/A	September 25	9154
1,247	TBA	Chris Fischer	An Australian flight was grounded because there was a snake on the plane. It's just like that Samuel L. Jackson movie, Django Unchained.	September 26	9155
1,248	TBA	Vince Gilligan	N/A	September 30	9156

October

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,249	TBA	Daniel Radcliffe	N/A	October 1	9157
1,250	TBA	Chris Matthews	The New York City Opera is closing. Well I say it isn't over until the Fat Lady doesn't sing.	October 2	9158
1,251	TBA	David Finkel	N/A	October 3	9159
1,252	TBA	James Spithill	N/A	October 7	9160
1,253	TBA	Paul Giamatti	A new wifi tea kettle will text you when your water boils. The text reads, Why the hell did you leave your house with the kettle on?	October 8	9161
1,254	TBA	Tom Hanks	The Congressional Fitness Center is still open during the shutdown. Wow! It is really hard to get out of a gym membership.	October 9	9162
1,255	TBA	Reed Albergotti & Vanessa O'Connell	N/A	October 10	9163
1,256	TBA	The Reflektors	N/A	October 21	9164
1,257	TBA	A. Scott Berg	Researchers have developed a Breathalyzer for marijuana. Aaaaaaaaand it's already been turned into a bong.	October 22	9165
1,258	TBA	Judy Woodruff & Gwen Ifill	N/A	October 23	9166
1,259	"Philanthrophy"	Stephen Fry	A new study suggests plants have the ability to tell time. Good, cause for Christmas I got my ficus a Swatch.	October 24	9167
1,260	TBA	Orlando Bloom	N/A	October 28	9168
1,261	"On Your Feet"	Billy Collins	The Jonas Brothers have announced they're breaking up. YOKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!	October 29	9169
1,262	TBA	Jack Andraka	There's a national wine shortage. Great, now people in book clubs are actually going to have to read.	October 30	9170
1,263	"See No Evil"	Zach Sims	Happy Thanksgiving! April Fools. Happy Halloween.	October 31	9171

November

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,264	"Inc. God We Trust"	David Folkenflik	They say a lie gets half way around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Why did the truth have its pants off?	November 4	9172
1,265	TBA	Julius Erving	N/A	November 5	9173
1,266	TBA	Brian Lehrer	N/A	November 6	9174
1,267	TBA	Daniel Lieberman	N/A	November 7	9175
1,268	TBA	Peter Baker	N/A	November 11	9176
1,269	TBA	David Christian	Lady Gaga says she's addicted to pot. So be on the lookout in case she starts exhibiting any odd behavior.	November 12	9177
1,270	TBA	Blind Boys of Alabama	N/A	November 13	9178
1,271	TBA	Alexis Ohanian	N/A	November 14	9179
1,272	TBA	Steve McQueen	Butterball warns that there may be a turkey shortage. Apparently they were caught off guard by this whole Thanksgiving thing.	November 18	9180
1,273	TBA	Rick Santorum	N/A	November 19	9181
1,274	TBA	M.I.A.	Amsterdam is paying alcoholics beer to clean the streets, but you know they're just gonna spend that beer on weed.	November 20	9182
1,275	TBA	J.J. Abrams	The X-Men have introduced a new character who is gay and has the power to make people like him. Wait a second, Neil Patrick Harris is a mutant?	November 21	9183

December

No.	"The Wørd"	Guest(s)	Introductory phrase	Original air date	Production code
1,276	TBA	Daniel Goleman	A new study found that energy drinks can alter your heart function. So Red Bull gives you wings, but they might be angel wings.	December 2	9184
1,277	TBA	Ed Stone	North Korean Kim Jong-un reportedly fired his own uncle. No word yet whether he fired him into a mountain or the sea.	December 3	9185
1,278	TBA	Bryan Stevenson	N/A	December 4	9186
1,279	TBA	Alan Mulally	Hackers have stolen the passwords of over two million internet accounts, so it's time for me to change mine from Password1 to Password2.	December 5	9187
1,280	TBA	David Keith	N/A	December 9	9188
1,281	"Channel Serfing"	Alex Blumberg	There's a 2014 calendar of sexy New York Taxi Drivers, although back in their home countries they were sexy professors.	December 10	9189
1,282	TBA	Elizabeth Gilbert	N/A	December 11	9190
1,283	TBA	George Packer	TBA	December 12	9191
1,284	TBA	Jonah Peretti	TBA	December 16	9192
1,285	TBA	Garry Trudeau	George Zimmerman is auctioning an original painting for $100,000. $100,000? Man, this guys getting away with murder!	December 17	9193
1,286	TBA	Keanu Reeves	Doctors say an apple a day may prevent hearty attacks. If only there were a rhyme to remember that.	December 18	9194
1,287	TBA	Ben Stiller	TBA	December 19	9195

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