Jewish views on marriage

Judaism traditionally considers marriage to be the ideal state of personal existence; a man without a wife, or a woman without a husband, is considered incomplete.^[1]

Betrothal (shiddukhin)

In Jewish law (halakha), betrothal (Hebrew: shiddukhin) or engagement is defined as the mutual promise between a man and a woman to contract a marriage at some future time and the formulation of the terms on which it shall take place.^[2] The promise may be made by the intending parties or one made by their respective parents or other relatives on their behalf. (Kiddushin 9b) The betrothal does not in itself affect the personal status of the parties, nor does it give either party the right to claim specific performance.

Traditionally, engagements for marriage are generally brought about by a third person, often a professional match-maker ("shadchan"). The process is called Shidduchim (Hebrew: matches). The shadchan receives a "brokerage-fee" fixed by law or agreed upon by custom, as a rule a small percentage of the dowry. It is paid by either of the parties, or each paid one-half, at the betrothal or after the wedding. The rabbi, as a person enjoying special confidence, is sometimes employed as an intermediary. Although the marriage preliminaries are the concern of the parents, their children are not forced into marriage over their objections, nor may a marriage be blocked as a result of the objections of one's parents. The Shidduchim system is therefore a system of arranged introductions rather than arranged marriages although in some traditional circles it comes to a system of arranged marriages.

Today, in some orthodox circles many young people find their marriage partners without their parents' involvement, and even if they do follow the shidduch system, many engaged couples do not enter into formal betrothals. However, the parents of the couple are still usually involved in the marriage arrangements.

Marriage preparation courses

Also referred to as pre-marital courses, structured marriage preparation courses are available to help couples prepare their marriage. They may or may not include a religious component. An example of a do-it-yourself course in the public domain that includes areas typically covered in such classes is freely available online [[1]]^[3].

Marriage (kiddushin and nissu'in)

In Jewish law, marriage consists of two separate acts, called kiddushin (or erusin, the engagement ceremony) and nissu'in, the actual wedding. Kiddushin changes the couple's personal status, while nissu'in brings about the legal consequences of the change of status. In Talmudic times, these two ceremonies usually took place about a year apart. The bride lived with her parents until the actual marriage ceremony, which would take place in a room or tent that the groom had set up for her. Later in history, the two ceremonies took place as a combined ceremony, and the marriage ceremony started to be performed publicly.

There are three ways for a Jewish couple to effect kiddushin (Mishna, Tractate Kiddushin 1:1):

With money (kesef) or with an object of value, such as a ring or a coin, for the purpose of contracted marriage, and in the presence of two witnesses, and she actively accepts;
Through a contract (shtar) in the presence of two witnesses, containing the declaration of kiddushin (see below); or
By sexual intercourse with the intention of creating a bond of marriage; a method strongly discouraged by the rabbinic sages and intended only for levirate marriages.

Though all methods are halachically valid, the favoured practice since ancient times has been for kiddushin to take place only with kesef (i.e. "with money") - giving an object of value - which is almost always a ring, but can be a coin.

Halachically, a Jewish marriage is a personal act between a man and a woman. The actual marriage is the declaration of marriage (consecration) by the man and acceptance by the woman. The function of the rabbi is to act as the advisor to the couple, and the guests are the witnesses. The civil law of many countries requires the rabbi also to act as an agent for the State during the marriage ceremony, and for two independent witnesses to sign the wedding certificate.

Matrimony

Marital harmony

Marital harmony, known as "shalom bayit," is valued in Jewish tradition.

Sexual relations

Regular sexual relations are expected between husband and wife. This obligation is known as "onah."^[4] In Jewish tradition, sexual relations are the obligation of a man to his wife. Although engagement in sexual relations should be entirely at the discretion of the woman, a wife should not withhold or use sex as a negotiating ploy.

Ritual purity in family life

The laws of "family purity" (taharas hamishpacha) are considered an important part of an Orthodox Jewish marriage. This involves observance of the various details of the menstrual niddah laws. Orthodox brides and grooms often attend classes on this subject prior to the wedding.

Controversy over intermarriage

According to the National Jewish Population Survey 2000-01, 47% of marriages involving Jews in the United States between 1996 and 2001 were with non-Jewish partners. Rates of intermarriage have increased in other countries in the diaspora as well. Jewish leaders in different branches generally agree that possible assimilation is a crisis, but they differ on the proper response to intermarriage.

All branches of Orthodox Judaism refuse to accept any validity or legitimacy of intermarriages.
Conservative Judaism does not sanction intermarriage, but encourages acceptance of the non-Jewish spouse within the family, hoping that such acceptance will lead to conversion.
Reform Judaism and Reconstructionist Judaism permit total personal autonomy in interpretation of Jewish Law, and intermarriage is not forbidden. Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis are free to take their own approach to performing marriages between a Jewish and non-Jewish partner. Many but not all seek agreement from the couple that the children will be raised as Jewish.

There are also differences between streams on what constitutes an intermarriage, arising from their differing criteria for being Jewish in the first place. Orthodox and Conservative streams do not accept as Jewish a person whose mother is not Jewish, nor a convert whose conversion was conducted under the authority of a more liberal stream.

Marriage in Israel

Civil marriage does not exist in Israel, and the only institutionalized form of Jewish marriage is the religious one, i.e. a marriage conducted under the auspices of the rabbinate. Specifically, marriage of Israeli Jews must be conducted according to halakha, as viewed by Orthodox Judaism. This implies that people who cannot get married according to Jewish law (e.g. a kohen and a divorcée, or a Jew and one who is not halachically Jewish) cannot have their union legally sanctioned. This has led for calls, mostly from the secular segment of the Israeli public, for the institution of civil marriage. There are many people affected by this law. In the Land of Israel today, there are approximately "300,000 Israelis who cannot marry because one of the partners is not Jewish, or his or her Jewishness cannot be determined."^{[citation needed]}

Some secular Israelis travel abroad to have civil marriages, either because they do not believe in the Orthodox view of Judaism or because their union cannot be sanctioned by halakha. These marriages are legally binding in Israel, though not recognized by the rabbinate as Jewish.

While people of different religions may be citizens of the State of Israel, all legal marriages performed in Israel must be sanctioned by religious authorities of one faith or another. Couples of mixed religion, for example a Christian and a Jew, or a Muslim and a Jew, cannot legally marry in Israel.

Divorce

Orthodox Judaism

Halakha (Jewish law) allows for divorce. The document of divorce is termed a get.The final divorce ceremony involves the husband giving the get document into the hand of the wife or her agent, but the wife may sue in rabbinical court to initiate the divorce. In such a case, a husband may be compelled to give the get, if he has violated any of his numerous obligations; this was traditionally accomplished by beating and or monetary coercion. The rationale was that since he was required to divorce his wife due to his (or her) violations of the contract, his good inclination really desires to divorce her, and we are only helping him to do what he wants to do anyway. In this case, the wife may or may not be entitled to a ketuba payment.

Traditionally, when a husband fled, and could not be found, a woman was considered an agunah (literally “an anchored woman”) because her husband could not be compelled to divorce her. Recently, there has been a general rejection of any sort of coercion, even that which is halachically mandated, unless it was his wife’s violation of the contract. As a result of this, there are women who cannot remarry because their husbands refuse them gittin, and the term “aguna” is now applied to them too.

Even rabbanim who will use coercion when demanded by halacha, cannot because, since the enlightenment, local Jewish communities have lost their autonomous status and were assimilated into the nation in which they lived, and Jewish authorities lost their civil powers to enforce Jewish marriage and divorce laws. However, this change resulted in rabbis losing the power to force a man to give his wife a get, and Jewish law does not allow a woman to give a get to the husband. Without a get, a Jewish woman is forbidden to remarry and is therefore called an agunah (literally "an anchored woman").

Judaism recognized the right of an abused wife (whether physically or psychologically) to a divorce already by around the 12th century.

Conservative Judaism

Conservative Judaism follows halacha, though differently then Orthodox Judaism. The Conservative movement allows certain changes to be made in the Ketubah (wedding document) to make it egalitarian, though this is controversial. Both Conservative and Orthodox traditions have approaches to prevent the possibility that a woman might not be able to obtain a Jewish divorce from her husband. Conservative Judaism adds a clause in the ketuba to prevent any possibility of the woman ever becoming agunah (famously known as "the Lieberman clause"); Orthodox approaches favour the use of arbitration and pre-nuptial agreements

After doing research on this problem in conjunction with other rabbis, Professor Lieberman developed what came to be called "the Lieberman clause", a clause added to the ketubah (Jewish wedding document). In effect it was an arbitration agreement used in the case of a divorce; if the marriage dissolved and the woman was refused a get from her husband, both the husband and wife had to go to a rabbinic court authorized by the Jewish Theological Seminary of America and heed their directives, which could (and usually did) include ordering the man to give his wife a get.

At the time this clause was proposed it had some support in the Modern Orthodox community, and Orthodox leader Joseph Soloveitchik gave this proposal his approval. They began work on a joint rabbinic committee that would insure objective standards of marriage and divorce for both Orthodox and Conservative Judaism. However, objections from ultra-Orthodox rabbis torpedoed this effort at cooperation, and the proposed joint effort faltered.

Most of Orthodox Judaism then rejected the Lieberman clause as a violation of Jewish law, and have devised a separate prenuptial agreement external to the ketubah which has a similar effect - this agreement states that if the husband refuses to grant the get, he will be required to pay an enormous ongoing fee until he grants the get. This agreement is done in such a way that the husband, upon granting the get, will not be considered to have done so under duress (which would invalidate the get), but instead he has a free-will choice to either grant the get or keep paying money (but the fee is usually large enough that he effectively has no choice but to grant the get, unless he wishes to go bankrupt). In addition, this agreement is considered a legal contract by civil courts, so that if the husband refuses to pay the money or grant the get, and the rabbinical courts are unable to enforce the agreement, the civil courts can enforce it. There are sources for this in ancient Tenayim documents. In a recent development the Rabbinical Assembly, the international assembly of Conservative rabbis, has also promoted the use of a separate prenuptuial agreement, to be used in place of the Lieberman clause. This is not because they have concerns about its legitimacy, but rather about its practical effectiveness.

Neither of these arrangements, however, address the agunah problem in the case of a missing husband.

Reform Judaism

Reform Jews usually use an egalitarian form of the Ketubah at their weddings. They generally do not issue Jewish divorces, seeing a civil divorce as both necessary and sufficient; however, some Reform rabbis encourage the couple to go through a Jewish divorce procedure. Conservative and Orthodox Judaism do not recognize civil law as overriding religious law, and thus do not view a civil divorce as sufficient. Thus, a man or woman may be considered divorced by the Reform Jewish community, but still married by the Orthodox or Conservative community.

References

^ Babylonian Talmud - Yebomoth 62b.
^ The Principles of Jewish Law, Ed Menachem Elon, ISBN 0-7065-1415-7, p 353.
^ http://www.scribd.com/doc/17771454/DoItYourself-Marriage-Preparation-Course-An-Open-Approach
^ Judaism 101: Kosher Sex

[1] Babylonian Talmud - Yebomoth 62b.

[2] The Principles of Jewish Law, Ed Menachem Elon, ISBN 0-7065-1415-7, p 353.

[3] ttp://www.scribd.com/doc/17771454/DoItYourself-Marriage-Preparation-Course-An-Open-Approach

[4] Judaism 101: Kosher Sex

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