Bereavement in Judaism

Bereavement in Judaism (אבלות aveilut; "mourning") is a combination of minhag (traditional custom) and mitzvot ("commandments") derived from Judaism's classical Torah and rabbinic texts. The details of observance and practice vary according to each Jewish community.

Death and dying

All Jewish practices regarding death are for one of two reasons: respect for the dead (kvod hamet) or to console those left behind (nihum avelim).

Death bed

A goses is someone who is extremely close to death and about to die. Jewish law forbids Jews to do anything to hasten a person's death; at the same time it requires all actions possible to comfort the dying person. The spectrum of what can or cannot be done for a dying Jew may sometimes vary (consulting a rabbi is usually the best course of action if in doubt).

A goses will usually try to say the Vidui (confession) before he or she dies.

Death itself

Sha'at HaMita refers to the precise moment of death. A clear definition of death is a subject of great debate in Judaism. Even in Talmudic times, it was unclear whether one should determine death based on breathing or pulse. Recently the use of brain death as a determinant has been debated. There is no universal agreement among prominent rabbis, known as poskim, about this issue.

Vigil

A vigil, or Shemirah, is required from the moment a Jew dies. A shomer is a person, preferably not a relative of the deceased, who is assigned to keep a watch over the body. At least one shomer should be reciting Psalms (Tehillim) constantly until the burial service. Although honoring the deceased is the main purpose, in earlier times the danger of theft of the body was very real. Today, people are paid or appointed by the funeral home or Chevra kadisha to sit near the body.

Chevra kadisha

Main article: Chevra kadisha

A chevra kadisha (חברה קדישא "holy group") acting as a burial society is a loosely structured but generally closed organization of Jewish men and women who ensure the bodies of Jews are prepared for burial according to Jewish law, and that the bodies of the deceased are protected from desecration, willful or not, until burial. Two of the main requirements are the showing of proper respect for the body of the deceased, and the ritual cleansing of the body and dressing for burial.

Many local chevra kadishas in urban areas are affiliated with local synagogues, and they often own their own burial plots in various local cemeteries. Some Jews pay an annual token membership fee to the chevra kadisha of their choice so that when the time comes the society will not only attend to the body of the deceased as befits Jewish law, but will also ensure burial in a plot which it controls at an appropriate nearby Jewish cemetery.

If no gravediggers are available, then it is additionally the function of the male society members to ensure that graves are dug. In Israel, members of chevra kadishas consider it an honor to not only to prepare the body for burial but also to dig the grave for a fellow Jew's body, particularly if the deceased was known to be a righteous person.

Many burial societies hold one or two annual fast days and organise regular study sessions to remain up-to-date with the relevant articles of Jewish law. In addition, most burial societies also support families during the shiva (traditional week of mourning) by arranging prayer services, preparing meals and providing other services for the mourners.

Preparing the body

The body must first go through the ritual of tahara, or "purification" in preparation for the burial. As all blood must be buried along with the deceased, any open bleeding is stopped. The body is thoroughly cleaned of dirt, body fluids and solids, and anything else that may be on the skin, and then is ritually purified, preferably by immersion in a mikvah, but also by pouring a substantial continuous flow of water onto the body. Tahara may refer to either the entire process, or to the ritual purification.

Tahara is the burial of a member of the Jewish population. In Tahara, extreme measures are taken and the utmost respect is given to the body. Here are the steps as to how to prepare the body:

1. The Aaron is prepared by laying out the sheets. The dead person is slowly uncovered and a Hebrew paragraph is recited.

2. The body is then carefully washed and then placed into the Mikvah.

3. After the immersion, the dead person is dried and dressed in Tachrichin.

4. The body is then lifted into the Aron where earth from Jerusalem is placed on various parts of the body.

5. A Gartel is placed around the met and then tied into a knot that is shaped as a shin for Hashem’s name.

6. The body is finally covered in a sheet and the Aron is closed.

During this procedure, various tefillot are said. Once the Aron is closed, the chevra then silently asks for forgiveness from the met if they have done anything to offend them during the tahara. Shomrim or the family then comes in to recite tehillim in the presence of the met until it is taken for burial

Once the body is dressed, the coffin is sealed. Unlike other religions, in Judaism there is traditionally no viewing of the body, and no "open casket" at the funeral, though the immidiate family is allowed a visitation right to pay their final respects to the deceased. In Israel many do not use caskets at all, but rather wrap the body in thicker white shrouds covered on the outside by a tallit.

Funeral service

In the United States and Canada, a Jewish funeral service usually commences officially at a funeral home for an ordinary Jew and from there the mourners and their entourage proceed to a Jewish cemetery for the burial. In the case of a more prominent person, such as a well-known communal leader, rabbi, rebbe, or rosh yeshiva, the entire service with eulogies can be held at the synagogue or yeshiva that the deceased was affiliated with.

Eulogies

A hesped is a eulogy, and it is common that several people speak at the start of the ceremony at the funeral home, as well as prior to burial at the gravesite, though some people specify in their wills that nothing should be said about them. On certain days, such as on Chol HaMo'ed ("intermediate days" of Jewish holidays) eulogies are forbidden.

Burial

Kevura, or burial, should take place as soon as possible after death. The Torah requires burial as soon as possible, even for executed criminals . This means that burial will usually take place on the same day as death, or, if not possible, the next day.

This custom probably originated from the fact that Israel was, and is, a country with a hot climate. In Biblical times, there were few ways of keeping the dead body from decomposing. Not only would this be generally undesirable, but allowing the dead body of any person to decompose would be showing that person great disrespect. Decomposition would have occurred especially quickly in Israel due to the constant heat. Thus the custom of burying the body as soon as possible arose. (Although the practice of embalming and mummification had advanced to a high level in Egypt, this also is considered disrespectful, since it involves a great deal of manipulation and removal of bodily organs.)

Respect for the dead can be seen from many examples in the Torah and Tanakh. For example, one of the last events in the Torah is the death of Moses when God himself buries him: "[God] buried him in the depression in the land of Moab, opposite Beth Peor. No man knows the place that he was buried, even to this day." (Deuteronomy 34:6)

Additionally, the Cave of the Patriarchs, the spiritual center of Hebron which was the first capital city of the Kingdom of Israel in the time of King David, is called Me'arat HaMakhpela (מערת המכפלה) in Hebrew, which means "The Cave of the double caves or tombs". This is because the cave's hidden twin caves are considered in Jewish tradition to be the burial place of four "pairs" of important Biblical couples: Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, and Jacob and Leah.

Unclaimed dead (met mitzvah) require respectful burial.

Typically, when the funeral service has ended, the mourners (excluding the immediate family), come forward to fill the grave. Symbolically, this gives the mourners closure as they observe the grave being filled in. One custom is for people present at the funeral to take a spade or shovel, held pointing down instead of up, to show the antithesis of death to life and that this use of the shovel is different to all other uses, to throw three shovelfuls of dirt into the grave. When someone is finished, they put the shovel back in the ground, rather than handing it to the next person so that they shouldn't pass along their grief.

Whilst the grave is being filled in, some Jews may throw in a handful of earth from Israel on the dead body.

Mourning

Keriah and shiva

The mourners traditionally make a tear (keriah קריעה) in an outer garment either before the funeral or immediately after it. The tear should be on the left side for a parent (over the heart and clearly visible) and on the right side for brothers, sister, children, and spouses (and does not need to be visible).

If a son or daughter of the deceased needs to change clothes during the shiva period, he or she must tear the changed clothes. No other family member is required to rend changed clothes during shiva. Neither son nor daughter may ever sew the rent clothes, but any other mourner may mend the clothing 30 days after the burial. [1]

When they get home, the mourners do not shower or bathe for a week, do not wear leather shoes and/or jewelry, men do not shave, and in many communities large wall mirrors in the mourners' home are covered. It is customary for the mourners to sit on low stools or even the floor, symbolic of the emotional reality of being "brought low" by the grief. A meal consisting of hard boiled eggs and other round or oblong foods is traditionally eaten. This is often credited to the Biblical story of Jacob purchasing the birthright from Esau with stewed lentils; it is traditionally stated that Jacob was cooking the lentils soon after the death of his grandfather, Abraham.

During this time distant family and friends come to visit or call the mourners to comfort them via "shiva calls".

Commencing and calculating the seven days of mourning

If the mourner returns from the cemetery after the burial before sundown then the day of the funeral is counted as the first of the seven days of mourning. Mourning generally concludes in the morning of the seventh day. No mourning may occur on Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath), nor may the burial take place on Shabbat, but the day of Shabbat does count as one of the seven days. If a Jewish holiday occurs after the first day, that curtails the mourning period. If the funeral occurs during a festival, the start of the mourning period awaits the end of the festival. Some holidays, such as Rosh Hashanah, cancel the mourning period completely.

Stages of mourning

First stage: aninut

Aninut is "[intense] mourning." An onen is considered to be in a state of total shock and disorientation. Thus the onen is exempt (patur) from performing mitzvot that require action such as praying and making blessings, putting on Tefillin ("phylacteries"), or even tending for the funeral if there are others who can make the arrangements.

Aninut lasts until the burial is over, or if unable to attend the funeral, from the moment one is no longer involved with the funeral itself.

Second stage: avelut

Avelut ("mourning") is the official commencement of mourning following the completion of the burial when the mourners customarily go home and then do not leave home for a week to observe the shiva, conduct prayers at home with a minyan ("quorum"), commence the recitation of the Kaddish prayer for eleven months in synagogue, ending when exactly one year after the death, when the first Yahrzeit is observed.

An avel("mourner") does not listen to music or go to concerts, and tries not to attend any joyous events or parties such as marriages, Bar or Bat mitzvahs unless absolutely necessary. If the date for such an event has already been set prior to the death, it is strictly forbidden for it to be postponed or cancelled.

Third stage: shiva

Main article: Shiva (Judaism)

Shiva (שבעה "seven") refers to the week-long period of grief and mourning for seven types of first-degree relatives: mother, father, sister, brother, wife or husband, or child. The shiva ritual is referred to by English-speaking Jews as "sitting shiva".

Immediately upon the burial of the departed, the first-degree relatives assume the status of avel ("mourner"). This state lasts for seven days, during which family members traditionally gather in one home and receive visitors.

If prayer services are organised in the house of mourning, it is customary for the family to lead the services themselves. It is considered a great mitzvah (commandment) of loving kindness and compassion to pay a home visit to the mourners. Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation. The mourner is under no obligation to engage in conversation, and may in fact, completely ignore his visitors.

There are various customs as to what to say when taking leave of the mourner(s). One of the most common is to say to them:

המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שער אבילי ציון וירושלים

Hamakom yenachem etchem betoch sha'ar avelei tzion viyerushalayim:

"May The Omnipresent comfort you among [all the] other mourners for Zion and Jerusalem".

Depending on their community's customs, others may also add: "You should have no more tza'ar ("pain")" or "You should have only simchas ("happy events")" or "we should hear only good news (besorot tovot) from each other" or "I wish you long life".

Fourth stage: shloshim

This refers to the thirty days (שלושים shloshim) of mourning observed by the immediate family. During this time males do not shave. The mourner is forbidden to marry and to attend even a seudat mitzvah ("religious festive meal")

It is also customary to coordinate a group of people to learn the complete mishnah ("oral law") during the shloshim period.
Since a Jewish soul can still benefit from mitzvot (commandments) done by people still alive, it is a special privilege to help anyone that had died by learning mishnayos (the oral law) on their behalf. The word Mishnah (oral law) and Neshama (soul) are composed of the exact same Hebrew letters indicating a special bond between the two. For that reason, mishnayos have become the customary subject of torah to learn following a death.

Shloshim.org is a free website that is dedicated to help people coordinate learning of the oral law by creating an online list.

Fifth stage: shanah a year of mourning

The shanah (שנה "year") activity gradually returns to normal, although the mourners continue to recite the mourner's kaddish as part of synagogue services for eleven months for a parent, and there are restrictions on attending festive occasions and large gatherings, especially where live music is played. In many Orthodox communities, only men are encouraged to say the mourner's kaddish; and if there are no male relatives an unrelated male will often be contracted to say the Kaddish on behalf of the women.

Matzevah (Unveiling of the headstone)

A headstone (tombstone) is known as a matzevah ("monument"). There are varying customs about when it should be placed at the head of the grave. Most communities have an unveiling ceremony a year after the death. Some communities have it earlier, even a week after the burial. In Israel it is done after the "sheloshim", the first thirty days of mourning. There is no restriction about the timing, other than the unveiling cannot be held during certain periods such as Passover or Chol Ha'Moed.

At the end of the ceremony, a cloth or shroud covering that has been placed on the headstone is removed, customarily by close family members. Services include reading of several psalms (1, 24, 23, 103), Mourners Kaddish (if 10 men are available), and the prayer "El Malei Rachameem." The service may include a brief eulogy for the deceased.

Annual remembrances

Yahrtzeit

Yahrtzeit, יארצייט, means "Time (of) Year" in Yiddish [2]. (Alternative spellings include yortsayt (using the YIVO standard Yiddish orthography), Yohr Tzeit, yahrzeit, and yartzeit.) The word is also used by non-Yiddish-speaking Ashkenazi Jews, and refers to the annual anniversary of the day of death of a relative. Yahrtzeit literally means "time of [one] year".

The commemoration is known in Ladino as nahala. It is widely observed, and based on the Jewish tradition that mourners are required to commemorate the death of a relative.

Mourners required to fulfill this observance are the children, siblings, spouses and parents of the deceased. The custom is first discussed in detail in Sefer HaMinhagim (pub. 1566) by Rabbi Isaac Tyrnau.

The date of the Yahrtzeit is determined by the Hebrew calendar, and falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relatives death.

The main halakhic obligation is to recite the mourner's version of the Kaddish prayer three times (evening, morning, and afternoon). (During the morning prayer service the mourner's Kaddish is recited at least four times.) As a widely practiced custom, mourners also light a special candle which burns for 24 hours, called a "Yahrzeit candle".

Lighting a yahrtzeit candle in memory of a loved one is a minhag ("custom") which is deeply ingrained in Jewish life honoring the memory and souls of the deceased.

Some observe the custom of fasting on the day of the Yahrtzeit. Among many Orthodox Jews it has become customary to make a siyum by completing a tractate of Talmud or a volume of the Mishnah on the day prior to the Yahrtzeit, in the honor of the deceased. A halakha requiring a siyum ("celebratory meal"), upon the completion of such a study, overrides the requirement to fast.

Jewish mourners are required to commemorate the death of a first-relative: mother, father, brother, or sister. The main halakhic obligation is to recite the mourner's version of the Kaddish prayer at least three times Maariv at the evening services, Shacharit at morning services, and Mincha at the afternoon services.

Many synagogues will have lights on a special memorial plaque on one of the synagogue's walls, with names of synagogue members who have died. Each of these lights will be lit for individuals on their Yahrzeit, and all the lights will be lit for a Yizkor service. Some synagogues will also turn on all the lights for memorial days, such as Yom Ha'Shoah.

Visiting the gravesite

Headstone in the "new Jewish section" of Oakland Cemetery in Atlanta, GA.

Some have a custom to visit the cemetery on fast days (Shulchan Aruch Orach Chayim 559:10) and before Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (581:4, 605), when possible, and for a Yahrzeit.

Typically, even when visiting Jewish graves of someone that the visitor never knew, he or she would leave a small stone at the graveside. This shows that someone had visited, and represents permanence. This contrasts with the common custom of leaving flowers, which do not live long. Another reason for leaving stones is tending the grave. In Biblical times, graves were marked with mounds of stones, so by placing (or replacing) them, one perpetuated the existence of the site.

Memorial through prayer

Mourner's Kaddish

Main article: Kaddish

Kaddish Yatom (heb. קדיש יתום lit. "Orphan's Kaddish") or the "Mourner's" Kaddish, said at all prayer services, as well as at funerals and memorials. Customs for reciting the Mourner's Kaddish vary markedly among various communities. In most Ashkenazi synagogues, particularly Orthodox ones, it is customary that everyone in the synagogue stands. In Sephardi synagogues, the custom is that only the mourners themselves stand and chant, while the rest of the congregation sits, chanting only responsively.

Yizkor

Yizkor ("remembrance") prayers are recited by those that have lost either one or both of their parents. There is a custom that those who do not recite the Yizkor prayers leave the synagogue until the completion of Yizkor; the symbolic reason for this is to respect the life of one's living parents. Some rabbinic authorities regard this custom as a superstition.

The Yizkor prayers are recited four times a year, and are intended to be recited in a synagogue with a minyan if one is unable be with a minyan, one can recite it without one. These four Yizkor services are held on Yom Kippur, Shmini Atzeret, on the eighth day of Passover in most of the world (in Israel on the seventh), and on the second day of Shavuot (in Israel on the only day of Shavuot). In the Yizkor prayers God is asked to remember and grant repose to the souls of the departed.

In Sephardic custom there is no Yizkor prayer, but Hashkabóth are recited on Yom Kippur for all members of the community who have died during the last year. A person called up to the Torah may also request the reader to recite Hashkabah for his deceased parents.

Av HaRachamim

Main article: Av HaRachamim

Av Harachamim is a Jewish memorial prayer which was written in the late 11th or early 12th Century, after the destruction of the Ashkenazi communities around the Rhine River by Christian crusaders during the First Crusade.

Communal responses to death

Zihuy Korbanot Asson (ZAKA)

Main article: ZAKA

ZAKA (heb. זק"א abbr. for Zihuy Korbanot Asson lit. "Identifying Victims of Disaster" – חסד של אמת Hessed shel Emet lit. "True Kindness" – איתור חילוץ והצלה), is a community emergency response team in the State of Israel, officially recognized by the government. The organization was founded in 1989. Members of ZAKA, most of whom are Orthodox, assist ambulance crews, identify the victims of terrorism, road accidents and other disasters and, where necessary, gather body parts and spilled blood for proper burial. They also provide first aid and rescue services, and help with the search for missing persons.

Hebrew Free Burial Association (HFBA)

Main article: Hebrew Free Burial Association

The Hebrew Free Burial Association's mission is to ensure that all Jews receive a proper Jewish burial, regardless of their financial ability. Since 1888, more than 50,000 Jews have been buried by HFBA in their historic cemeteries located on Staten Island, New York, Silver Lake Cemetery and Mount Richmond Cemetery.

Controversy following death

Donating organs

Being an organ donor is permitted according to all Jewish denominations once death has been clearly established, provided that instructions have been left in a written living will. Orthodox and Haredi Jews would consult their rabbis before making the final choice and decision.

Jewish view of cremation

Halakha (Jewish law) forbids cremation. Burial is considered the only proper form of disposal for a Jewish person who has died (and is the only method used in the Tanakh), and is seen in Judaism as providing a final measure of atonement for the deceased.

From a philosophical and ritual standpoint, as with a geneza, Jews bury things as an honorable "interment," and would only burn things as a means of destruction.

Suicide

See the section on Judaism on the main article, Religious views of suicide.

Judaism considers suicide to be a form of "self-murder" and thus a Jew who commits suicide is denied some important after-death privileges, such as absolutely no eulogies should be held for that person and burial is normally not allowed in the main section of the Jewish cemetery.

However, in recent times, most suicides are deemed to be the unfortunate victims of depression or of a serious mental illness and so therefore their act "self-murder" is not deemed to be a voluntary act of self-destruction but rather the result of an involuntary condition and they are therefore looked upon as having died of causes beyond their control.

Additionally, the Talmud (in Semakhot, one of the minor tractates) recognizes that much of the mourning ritual is as much for the living survivors as for the dead, and these elements would thus still be present in the case of the suicide. Furthermore, if reasonable doubt exists that the death may not have been suicide (e.g. if it is unknown whether the victim fell or jumped off a building), the benefit of the doubt is given and regular burial and mourning take place. Lastly, suicide of a minor is considered a result of a lack of understanding ("da'at"), and in such a case, regular mourning would be observed.

Tattoos

While Halakha (Jewish law) forbids tattoos, there is a common myth that Jews with tattoos are not permitted to be buried in Jewish cemeteries. This is not true, and a Jew with a tattoo would receive a normal funeral service.

Death of an apostate Jew

There is no mourning for an Apostate Jew according to Jewish law. (See that article for a discussion of precisely what actions and motivations render a Jew an "apostate" )

In the past several centuries, the custom developed among Ashkenazic Orthodox Jews (including Hassidic and Haredi Jews), that the family would sit "sit shiva" if and when one of their relatives would leave the fold of traditional Judaism. The definition of "leaving the fold" varies within communities; some would sit shiva if a family member married a non-Jew; others would only sit shiva if the individual actually converted to another faith, and even then, some would make a distinction between those who chose to do so of their own will, and those who were pressured into conversion. (In Sholom Aleichem's Tevye, when the title character's daughter converts to Christianity to marry a Christian, Tevye sits shiva for her and generally refers to her as "dead.") At the height of the Mitnagdim (i.e. anti-Hassidic) movement, in the early-to-mid nineteenth century, some Mitnagdim even sat shiva if a family member joined Hassidism! (It is said that Leibel Eiger joined Hassidism, his father, Rabbi Shlomo Eiger sat shiva, but his grandfather, the famed Rabbi Akiva Eiger, did not.) By the mid-twentieth century, however, Hassidism was clearly recognized by everyone as a valid form of Orthodox Judaism, and thus the (contraversial) practice of sitting shiva for those who realign to Hassidism ceased to exist.

Today, some Orthodox Jews, particularly the more traditionalist ones (such as many Haredi and Hassidic communities), continue the practice of sitting shiva for a family member who has left the religious community. Many centrist and left-wing Orthodox Jews, however, question and may not observe the practice for three reasons. Firstly, as a matter of practicality, declaring the family member "dead" is a very harsh act which could make it much more difficult for the family member to return to traditional practice if/when s/he would consider doing so. Secondly, the definition of actively "leaving the fold" is rather vague today, especially with the majority of Jews today being not religiously observant of Orthodox Judaism. Thirdly, recent scholarship has shown that the source of the original custom, a story related regarding Rabbi Gershom ben Judah (or "Rabbenu Gershom Me'or HaGolah"), contained a typo and was thus misunderstood. (Rabbi Gershom had a son who had converted to Christianity. A text that had been read as, "Rabbi Gershom sat shiva for his son when he converted [Heb. k'she-nishtamed]", turned out to have been "Rabbi Gershom sat shiva for his son who had converted [Heb. she-nishtamed]", i.e. when the son actually died years later of natural causes.

Death of an infant

For a child who has not been born more than 30 days, stricter communities hold that the child cannot be mourned in a traditional manner of sitting shiva. Understandably, this is very difficult for the family, and is not followed by less traditional Jewish sects.

After death in Judaism

• The afterlife according to Judaism

Main article: Jewish eschatology

• The final redemption according to Judaism

Main article: Jewish Messiah

National days of remembrance

• Tisha B'Av

Main article: Tisha B'Av

(Day of mourning for the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem and other events.)

• Fast of the First Born

Main article: Fast of the Firstborn

(Fast of gratitude for not dying during the Plague of the First Born.)

• Yom Ha'Shoah

Main article: Yom HaShoah

(Holocaust Memorial Day.)

• Yom Hazikaron

Main article: Yom Hazikaron

(Memorial Day for those who have died in defense of Israel.)

The Holocaust

Main article: The Holocaust

During the the Holocaust, massive crematoria were constructed and operated round-the-clock by the Nazis within their concentration and extermination camps to dispose of the bodies of thousands of Jews and others. The bodies of thousands of Jews were thus disposed of in a manner deeply offensive to Judaism. Since then, cremation has carried an extremely negative connotation for many Jews, even more so than it had previously.

See also

• Peace be upon him (Judaism)
• The Five Stages of Grief that were defined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying", (Macmillan Publishing Company, 1969) is similar to five stages of mourning in Jewish thought.

External links

• Web portal on Death, Mourning and Hope in Jewish Tradition & Practice
• About.com
• Torah.org
• yarzheit.com
• Jewish Encyclopedia article on Mourning
• The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning By Maurice Lamm
• Orthodox, Conservative and Reform perspectives from Mazornet.com